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Not About Being a Mess Due to Something Good, Planned and Desired… Again

Yes, the title has to do with the new computer, and I won’t write about it here, so let me start by saying that last week I managed to run even faster, covering the ten laps in about 22:45. Actually, the stopwatch said 22:46.99, but I’m sure I started it at least some fractions of a second before crossing the start line and hit stop when my foot touched the track after the finish line of the tenth lap, so obviously some fractions of a second after the first part of my body crossed the line, and I always rounded times to the nearest five seconds anyway. And with that rounding, if I recall correctly, the lap times were, in order, about 2:05, 2:25, 2:20, 2:20, 2:25, 2:20, 2:20, 2:20, 2:10 and 2:00.
On the other hand, this week’s run was today, but considering how messed up I am, I forgot the stopwatch. Also forgot my cap, which I realized as soon as I locked the door behind me and decided not to come back for, so I also decided not to come back for the watch when I was already nearly at the track when I realized it wasn’t on my wrist. So I have no idea of the time, but it couldn’t have been some new record because I took it slowly, most people passing me, some multiple times over the ten laps. May have been a new lap record on the last, when I actually pushed, and I likely had interesting times on the fourth and seventh laps as well, when I pushed as hard as I could for 200 and, respectively, 100 meters before returning to a slow pace, but otherwise I struggled to go as slowly as I could, so the time may even have been over 25 minutes. But no way to know for sure, of course.

Something else I want to make a note of is that I attended the Astronomy Day event organized by a science magazine in a park from here. It’s been ten days since then, but since I didn’t get around to writing about it so far, I’ll say now that I can at least finally say I glanced through a telescope and saw Jupiter as something more than a small star and at least three of its moons with my own eyes for the first time, even if the moons in question were just small points of light and I didn’t ask which one of the major ones were missing. Since I actually glanced a total of four times through three different telescopes, I also looked for a few seconds at the Sun, Moon and Venus.
The listed start time was 4:30 PM and the event was said to last until 11 PM, with telescopes set on the Sun at first, then some of them on the Moon from some point pretty much until the end, and the more interesting parts later, with Venus at twilight and Jupiter after dark. So I was there around 5 PM, with my jacket and book in my backpack, and wandered around for a while since they weren’t ready yet. Took a brief glance at the Sun shortly after they had a few telescopes set up, but there wasn’t much to see, so then I read and wandered around some more, caught a quick glance at the Moon too, read and wandered around some more… Was also given the February issue of the magazine organizing the event, as they were giving piles of them away to everyone, and that resulted in me fuming over an adamant pro-GMO article advertised even on the cover.
Still, things did get somewhat more interesting after dark, which was a good thing, since it’d have been impossible to keep reading and I’d have gotten too bored otherwise. Admittedly, a good part of that time was spent waiting in lines, which got quite long, but I did eventually manage to glance at both Venus and Jupiter, although in case of Venus there really wasn’t much to see, the telescope’s magnification showing it as just a fuzzy white little crescent that they had a hard time keeping in focus, moving as fast as it does. Jupiter may have been worth looking at more, especially considering how long I waited in line, as it was about 9:25 PM when I could finally walk away from there, but I guess simply seeing more than I otherwise could for the first time has to count for something.

Otherwise, there’s a protest announced for Saturday, which is supposed to be quite big and taking place in plenty of cities, with activists, environmental NGOs, independent media and green and ecologist parties joining hands… Or attempting to, as most activists are, as usual, determined to have nothing to do with parties and politicians and wary of major NGOs as well, so you have the usual conflicts and the risk of it ending up quite messy. But it’s about deforestation, so of course I’ll be attending, even if I’m such a mess.

And speaking of being a mess, I still haven’t submitted my reply to the Gendarmerie’s appeal, the deadline being 25 days after receiving the notification, so on May 14 or 15, depending on whether the day I received that, April 20, is counted or not. Since another activist I know seems to have the appeal date set to May 12, I’m thinking of actually waiting until the 14th, hoping I’ll be able to see the ruling on the 13th and have more of an idea about which way the wind is blowing, though I’m told that the contestations dealing with that November 7 protest have generally been won as a rule, including the few that had final decisions already. I still can’t imagine going through that again either way, and even without the other issues getting me in this state at this point, so no idea what I’ll do.

And I guess this is about it. The rest has to do with me being a mess and not even being able to say what I’d want anymore, because I know I won’t be able to deal with anything anymore. Not that I ever could, but it’s just worse and worse and… I’m getting too old and have long since been too defeated for this world, and life. I mean, sure, a first week back with her without even getting out of bed except to go to the toilet, eat and shower, all but the first still together, and just knowing I can throw away all these over nine and a half years and somehow pick things back up and for good would be the start, but after that, no idea. Anything I think of, I know I can’t deal with. Just can’t.


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