Cav's Place

Today marks ten years since I ended up thrown back here. Almost wrote this last night, since I was eating when it struck me that ten years before at that time I was stuffed in the back seat of dad’s car, next to the computer and possibly also at least one box of books, as I’m not sure whether both or, in fact, any fit in the trunk. Was all cried out for the moment, since I could cry before, and not seeing even any present, much less any future. And that sure didn’t change, and all of these ten years prove that vision, or actually that lack of a vision, correct.
Almost wrote this last night, but I said I wasn’t at the computer when the thought struck me and the above paragraph is pretty much all I have, so there’s no real post here. Plus, especially since I keep stubbornly struggling to add a few more pointless lines in my story every night, writing a personal post at night would mark quite an extreme low and I feel… I guess I feel I don’t have the right to do so when nothing changes, and nothing has changed in so long.

I’m being told ten years is an awfully long time to be stuck on something and do absolutely nothing about it, as if I had somehow missed this little fact. But I was too chicken to kill myself even when it did have a point and she obviously didn’t and won’t even think of another chance and even trying to talk only got me ignored, with the exception of that period at the end of 2007 and start of 2008, and eventually blocked. Plus that, in all honesty, based on what little I can gather, it’d be a case of unhappy with her instead of miserable without her even if that miracle would happen. So it’d take two of them and there’s nothing to do, though of course the only thing left is that false hope that someday there will be, which will remain as long as both of us will still be alive and one particular thing won’t happen.