Cav's Place

Was wondering whether I’ll manage to make a post out of a rant I sent Alma at the start of the week, after struggling to hold back on actually spilling it all out directly to my parents during a recent conflict, despite not being caused by the conflict or by what caused that, but simply being a breakdown and my view of my future, or more exactly lack of any, and somewhat connected to what caused a part of what caused that. A bit hard to keep track of, isn’t it? But it doesn’t matter; not like I’m writing this for anyone else.
Either way, not going to do that now. Maybe I will the next time I’ll end up in such a state or, more specifically, in such a state and with my mind working, or not quite working, in the same way. That may well be soon, or maybe it won’t, or maybe in part I even already did write at least a good part of that, can’t say I recall anymore, after all these pointless and hopeless years like this.

Right now I’ll just say that, if last week I was screaming silently after waking up from a nap, this morning I actually woke up screaming, and did so twice. Actually woke up at least five times before actually getting up, but only clearly heard myself scream those two times, which I believe were the first and third but I’m not entirely sure of that. The first definitely was like that, and I also know that was a little after 7:30 AM, so after sleeping for only about an hour and a half. In spite of that, was considering just getting up and then going back to bed at some later point, as I did every time I woke up, but eventually managed to get some sleep, interrupted as it was.
Also clearly recall what I was dreaming that first time. Apparently my mother was talking to an otherwise unidentified friend in her bedroom and I happened to hear that friend mention the name Andra in connection with my worst fear. Had no idea who she was truly referring to or how could she possibly know the Andra I was thinking of, but I rushed there and tried to get information regardless, and then they left the room and someone which in my dream I identified as a friend of mine, who looked like Andra but otherwise had no other identity I can think of, joined me there as I was lying on the bed and reading a message apparently posted by Andra somewhere which was projected on the ceiling. There were four lines, but I got as far as the second and saw she was making fun of me in it and I was trying to keep reading and just couldn’t, struggling to focus while my vision was spinning and letters were getting messed up and I was just drifting away. Jumped off the bed, trying from another position, but that unidentified friend of mine who looked like her also got up on the other side and turned off the projector, and then reached to press a button that I knew would delete the message. She might have actually managed to press it, I’m not sure about that, but I launched myself at her screaming, and woke up actually screaming, and sort of watched myself in that state between dreaming and awake as in my dream I elbowed and punched her and she smashed her head against the heater with my mother and that unidentified friend of hers watching from the hallway.
The other parts of dreams are less clear in my mind, the first being fixed both because of the impact and the fact that I went to the bathroom after waking up. I really don’t recall how the second one got to its final part, though it does seem to have been an attempted continuation of the first, but at the end I recall a giant mosquito that I meant to kill but which was taken on a hand or foot, possibly also by my mother, and pushed towards me as I was trying to get away. Really don’t know if that was the second time I screamed or not, nor many details about the third part, which I believe ended with me staring into some large recipient with some milky fluid that was obviously draining through some hole at the bottom and something or someone was caught in it, spinning and spinning and getting sucked in. And there may be one I’m forgetting completely here, as I seem to recall thinking right away that there were four parts that were somehow connected and I believe the next two weren’t.
Or even those might have been, or at least one of them, but they don’t seem so anymore, just seeming somehow connected to each other though I seem to remember thinking they weren’t. Either way, one had something about an experiment that had to be done on sick tiger cubs and some workers were trying to figure out which tiger cubs to grab according to which tiger mothers may be aware that their sick cubs that are taken away by humans may come back cured, but may be an affordable loss if they’ll now learn that sometimes they may not come back at all. And the other was about a group taking a trip on a road running through a forested area when they came upon a few bear cubs playing, with no sign of the mother, and those leading the group had gathered together on the other side of the road from the cubs, trying to decide what to do.
Now I’m wondering whether the second scream didn’t come at the end of that dream that I think I forgot, while at the same time wondering if I forgot any at all, because the number otherwise seems right. Also, wondering if I didn’t also scream when I took a nap and at first dreamed I was battling a demon trying to possess me and losing, and it didn’t seem that I was dreaming, everything being otherwise just as it had been when I got in bed and not recalling falling asleep. Also wondering whether that was yesterday or two days ago. Everything is a mess… And I sure used to be good at lucid dreaming. Guess I’ll need some practice again, if this keeps up.

Later edit: I was in the kitchen, getting ready for dinner, when Micky walked in and curled up on the seat, which reminded me of the dream part I had been forgetting. Didn’t remind me of too much, but I know it had something to do with Bubu, old and arthritic, positioning himself to sleep on me in such a manner as to ensure he’d be in pain if I moved. May have involved him doing something else after being woken up as a result of this, as I remember looking at him on the floor, and may have been a part of the same dream that ended with the giant mosquito instead of a separate part, but I remembered this much at least.