Cav's Place

Even the few you’d think might have an idea don’t actually have an idea of how fragile and easily shattered any sliver of stability I manage to maintain is. And I keep wondering why or how there’s any left, more and more often and with greater surprise. Which at least means there’s no surprise when I end up like this, and that I can’t dig myself out of a state and even if it may appear there’s a hand poking out and making room for some air to come in, it all crumbles again at the slightest breeze.

And on top of the usual and the rest and the particular triggers added now, which I won’t even get into here, the fork I liked to use broke and it doesn’t seem to have even been kept by my parents. It was the last of the old ones that I recall from even back when I was little, and I always used it, but it always bent at the neck, or whatever that part at the bottom of the handle part is called, and all that bending back and forth eventually, after so many years, caused a crack to appear in the metal, and then it quickly got bigger and last time I used it I only used it for the peas, where it was used pretty much as a spoon, switching to another for the eggs because I feared it would just fall apart. And after that I didn’t see it anymore, so I guess one of my parents wanted to use it too and it either just fell apart or they noticed how badly cracked it was, and I guess they simply threw it away instead of at least keeping it somewhere.

But at least I finally finished reading that book I was the “alpha reader” for. Took me two full months and really struggled to manage even this, at about two and a half hours per day on the few best days and four or more on many, if not most, to just go through an average of just marginally over six pages of the file per day. Sure, not quite an hour per page, as it was back when I was still trying to edit my own story, as I wasn’t editing that deeply and the style was usually better than anything I could hope to produce anyway, so that wasn’t an issue, but I was clearly in “edit mode” and my brain was frying because of it and I had to keep going over the same sentences and words over and over, though it took me a while to really start sending comments other than mentioning the odd typo, and always felt bad for doing it.

And I also ran again, Tuesday, and did go for ten kilometers again, for the first time since May 10. Knew I could beat that time, so just tried to see how well I could do and I’m thinking I could have pushed myself just a little bit harder. Should have, too, seeing as I was trying to release some of this mess somehow. But I guess it was what it was at the moment, and the time was 50:48, with sector times of 4:39, 5:20, 6:12, 4:39, 5:19, 6:17, 4:53, 5:25, 6:14 and 1:50, making for lap times of 16:11, 16:15 and 16:32. Which I guess means I should be able to get under 50 minutes under good enough conditions, which not long ago seemed too insane a goal to even truly consider.