Was saying I may turn a message I sent into a post, and I guess this is it. Will probably be quite a mess, as it ended up significantly longer but probably not much clearer, but nobody’s reading this anyway. And, in case of this particular post, I’d say that’s a good thing. Probably shouldn’t be here at all, after all, yet here it is regardless…
With the recent serious money issues and the taxes for dad’s firm and the fact that a good part of said taxes result from the fact that my parents insist on having me employed there on paper, after “hiring” me as such back in 2004, the matter itself was once again brought to the forefront of my mind. Whenever that happens, I once again say I want to be “fired” because I’m feeling absolutely rotten about it, an utter hypocrite, shouting everywhere to end the culture of jobs and paycheck slavery and the need to “earn a living” and specifying in my profiles on various sites that not having a job in the current sense of the term is one of the main requirements for the people I’d care to talk to, yet here I am, having one. Sure, it’s only on paper, not in practice, so both no actual work and no actual pay, but it makes me feel awful nevertheless, and has done so for all these years.
Plus, in terms of purely pragmatic aspects, we apparently can’t do what I’ve been asking for the past 15 or so years and set aside a certain specific amount per month to know the funds for new computer components and other such things are readily available whenever needed or desired, but this makes me responsible for significantly greater amounts paid to the state in taxes for the sole “benefit” of making me feel like a stinking pile of shit because of it! I mean, so far I didn’t even need the medical insurance that comes with it, though from now on the risk does increase, as I’m over 30 and not getting younger. Still, that can now be paid separately as well, at a rate equivalent to the tax for it paid by someone earning minimum wage, so it’d no longer be an issue of finding a sufficiently good private one instead, which’d cost much more than this.
Yet whenever I bring it up, I’m told no way, and that there’s also my retirement fund to consider on top of the medical insurance, to which I reply that it’s not like I’ll make it that far. And that’s as far as I got with actually telling them this, but sure was, and still am, close to snapping and spelling it all the fuck out. For one, there are the moments when my mother catches me in the kitchen and asks, as she usually does, what could she possibly cook next. And, as nearly every time pretty much since I was little, I say it doesn’t matter, just something edible and not particularly unpleasant. And then she continues by saying that can’t be, because it needs to be varied, enjoyable and other shit like that and I may say there’s no such thing. But closest to saying more was when, recently, she was in the kitchen when I came back from a run and she asked whether I feel the need to run or push myself. I asked if there’s anything I don’t push myself to do and said I wouldn’t even get out of bed except to pee if not pushing. To that, she said she thinks running any distance would be a hard thing to push herself to do, but there are things she does just because she likes to… And I said there was a time when some things could be enjoyable, but that ended over ten years ago… Could hear a pin drop after that.
So that’s as far as I got with that talk so far, but if I hear that part about retirement again… For fuck’s sake, do you see me getting there somehow? Or wanting to in any way? How? Or do you see me making it, managing in general, somehow? They’ll be gone someday, and dad no longer able to earn enough for all of us to get by even sooner, which is in fact obviously already starting to happen even if it’s not a matter of him being unable to do the work yet, and we don’t seem to be heading in a direction of no longer needing money anytime soon, and I’m as I am, so at that point I’ll be thoroughly fucked. And that point is likely to come in, what, ten years? Most probably less…
Even from this point of view, and not just the purely personal one of finding something to live for and to make me want to do anything for and to look for some rainbows in the foul acidic sewage raining down on all of us in this society humanity created and maintains, I had one chance in this life, with Andra. And I was launching myself into further explanations here, but deleted them, so I’ll just say that, after that went down the drain and seeing as I was too much of a coward to do what needed to be done back then when it had a point, it’ll soon be 11 years since I just keep waiting for it to end on its own, while at the same time of course all the time passing and the suffering accumulating is making me feel it’d be more and more disappointing if it does end without something to make all of it have been worth it happening first. So, in short, at least after a year and a half or so after she left, wanting to neither live nor die, and unable to do anything relevant towards either even if I did care to. Barring miracles, I’m not looking at any other future than that.
But at the same time, I’m always shitting myself in terror that things will get worse, because they always can get so much worse, and often do. So I just keep thinking and hoping they’ll at least stay the same, if I’m used to something and it’s at least somewhat acceptable. When it comes to major issues and bigger pictures, there are clearly desirable major changes I’d obviously want to see, though if they don’t happen just that way then I dread others, usually for good reasons. But that goes far more for matters of daily life, where truly desirable changes would be nothing short of miracles, as they’d imply one obvious particular one first and I’m terrified of even good ones going all wrong otherwise, so I just need things to at least stay the same and keep shitting myself that they won’t and will get worse and I just want to keep those things and situations and know they’re not worse because they’re the same at least. And they keep going on about needing to change and vary things or how I need new clothes or shoes and how can I keep them for so many years and keep using them when they end up looking like they do, and always to vary food or that it’s been several years since my room was painted and that needs to be done again and who knows what else. For fuck’s sake! Leave it the fuck alone! Leave me some shreds to cling on to, some I can at least know aren’t getting worse because they stay the same, and fuck off!
But things always get worse anyway, see even the current situation and the state I’m in now, which is another issue. Yet, to get back to the original issue, if the matter is brought up they go on about a future I’ll never have and retirement funds I’ll never use and the recorded experience on a supposed job that makes me feel like a stinking pile of hypocritical shit to have, even if just on paper, and which is responsible for all these expenses that in good part cause these other problems that make things worse even now. One thing which I really don’t want to stay the same, I guess, because it has always been intolerable. And, like I said, causes others to just keep getting worse.