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Toenail Is Recovering, Rest of Me Is Not

Today marks three months since running my first official half marathon and since I cut my toenails last week I meant to use the moment to mention that I can now say I’ll get to keep the toenail with a nasty bruise under it. But, of course, I never got around to write part three of those posts about the race, about what happened after I left the finish area, so think I never actually mentioned noticing that toenail going black and worrying it may fall off, as it supposedly happens, or the others that I later saw were cracked. And since I won’t do that now either, I’ll leave it at this, knowing that now it finally grew back enough so enough of it is starting to clear, though for the first two months it really didn’t seem to be getting any better at all.

But gone are the days when losing a toenail counted as a notable health concern, considering the recent developments. And those developments are the reason why I can barely hold it together enough to throw something here and still make some sense, so I’ll just quickly say that at least at the moment I’m not shitting black anymore, though it’s still a bit on the loose side and too much and more than once per day, seeming like my body just wants to get rid of anything I put in as fast as possible. But the color is quite normal, and I’ve been paying attention now, as normally even the way it was two days after the initial “explosive” moment probably wouldn’t have exactly attracted my attention, even though actually having a good look made it clear there was still a lot of digested blood in there.
But it’s definitely not getting better, because I’m feeling weak and increasingly dizzy and the discomfort in the upper left side of my abdomen, which I’ve been experiencing for long enough that it was probably more noticeable when it happened to briefly go away, takes on new and frightening meanings. Also occasional numbness in hands and feet, a lot of smelly gas and the continued and worsening general feeling of being a breath away from something really breaking for good.
Still can’t say how much of that is panic, but it’s not all of it. But it’s enough to make me really lose it. Even more so when dad mentioned he made me an appointment for an endoscopy, but only in early September as that was the first available date, and that it’ll require putting me to sleep for it. And no way, that will not happen, period. Completely lost it then and I feel I’m about to black out just writing this about it now. That will not happen. Period. This must be checked out in other ways, and very fast, though I have no clue how because I can’t handle any of it and will go completely crazy at the mere mention and do not… Can’t talk or think about it or anything, didn’t even say anything to others since. But that will not happen. And I won’t make it that far unless something else is done first anyway, probably.

And on that note, the plan for today was to try running again, then to see about some shopping, since some money made their way to me from dad several days ago but I was in no state to make use of them before now. For that reason, the above was written Sunday evening and scheduled to be posted at 11:59 PM today, with a note stating that, while it’s also possible that some new problems with my Internet access prevented me from making changes, if it did show up at that time and with the note still there, it’s probable that I didn’t make it and was either dead or in hospital. Did take my ID card and a piece of paper with dad’s phone number, specifying it’s to be used in case of emergencies, with me, so people wouldn’t have had problems identifying the guy collapsed in the park or later on the street or in a store and parents would have been notified as well, hoping that anyone else who may care would have also been notified by them if they’d have looked around a bit, or that said others would have eventually had a look here to see for themselves.

But here I still am, after a run that did feel somewhat uncomfortable at times but which wasn’t as bad as I feared. The time was 35:34, with sector times of 4:47, 5:18, 6:11, 4:43, 5:21, 6:13 and 3:01, making for very steady lap times of 16:16 and 16:17. What toll it’ll take isn’t quite clear yet though, and I did get dizzy for a moment while showering earlier, but at least what came out the rear end after it looked quite normal. But, of course, that was most probably what was already there at the time, so any such damage caused by the run is likely to be noticed in that manner tonight or tomorrow.

Otherwise, still in panic and don’t want anything to do with anyone except someone I’d trust and want around and who’d just hold me and cuddle and maybe, if I could handle even that, talk about something interesting that has nothing to do with this, and perhaps little to nothing to do with me at all. So I’ll just end this post here now, skipping the time wasted checking prices for no good reason in the end and somehow ending up trying to help someone and just getting embarrassed and messing up. In case something goes very wrong in the coming days, however, there is another scheduled post ready as well, for Sunday.


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