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Downward Spiral, US Open and Emsisoft

To get it out of the way from the beginning, this week’s run was Monday and it marked another failed attempt to get back below 35 minutes for the seven-kilometer route. Sure, 35:04 is quite close, but still on the wrong side of it, with those seconds being lost on the second lap’s third sector. Intermediate times were 4:40, 5:12, 6:00, 4:39, 5:16, 6:16 and 3:01, making for lap times of 15:52 and 16:11. Does mark the first time I managed to get back under 16 minutes for a lap since setting the record, but didn’t keep it up. That final sector time shows I still had something left, so I could have pushed harder earlier, but then I’m not sure I’d have managed to keep it up for long enough.

Otherwise, still fucked up. Making a little sense in a couple of discussions on the GOG forum but scared to the point of almost shitting myself when I see a reply and delaying even reading, talking a little to a couple of new people on Patook but also somewhat anxious of replies and the fact that I am talking and making some sense is probably just because they’re new and the place is not one of the main ones for me at the moment so I assume I can just run away if I can’t deal with it anymore, and finally sent Ada a cry for help a couple of nights ago but still feeling edgy about that even if we exchanged a few more messages since. Still no activity in the usual places, still not even reading other messages, including an important one I should have replied to over a week ago and by now I probably missed the chance of having a real say in something important for good, still scared of everything, even now as I’m writing this, and staying here with the blinds drawn until late and hiding and running and trying not to go out of my room unless I absolutely have to unless it’s clear.
Was good that I was alone during the day for a week, so could eat then and wasn’t that much of a problem that dad went to bed very late, even at about 4 AM, this week and I therefore didn’t go to eat at night until that time, when I just grabbed something very quickly before bed, but now that’s over too, so no idea what I’ll do if he’ll keep that up. Did at least catch a moment when I could grab some “breakfast” earlier today, but who knows what will happen next, with it being so hard to catch the kitchen clear and safe with them around. Not that anything feels in any way safe at any time.

And it’s that time of year again, when back in 2005 Andra had kicked me out of the room and wasn’t allowing me back there when she was there and awake. And if the date itself wouldn’t be enough, the US Open always gets me right back there, considering all the time spent watching it during those days, unless her mother was home of course, since then I withdrew to her brother’s old room and went out of my mind even more. Maybe. Hell if I know. Always seems less and less likely that any of it was real… Though I think the bad things are at least more likely to have been. But memories can always fade or get changed in time until the reality, if any of it was reality, is lost even from them and there’s nothing left. No present and no future as a given, and then no past either.

And I had to take a break here, struggling to hold off a panic attack… Not going so well, so let me just quickly finish by saying that one more reason to be messed up now is the fact that Emsisoft decided to bring an update to the delayed branch as well two days ago, after it had been stuck at the same program version since the end of last year, bringing it straight to 11.10, which is the latest on the stable branch as well. So I suddenly found myself with a message asking me to reboot Thursday evening, which I eventually did yesterday afternoon, since I wanted some answers first and, either way, really didn’t feel like spending that evening and night dealing with potential issues.
Well, past the fact that it hung on that first reboot for a couple of minutes before finally rebooting and then it said the update failed to complete and asked me to reboot again, only working right the second time, the problem now is that a few months ago they decided to make entering game mode automatic, so it went from an optional feature I neither use nor mind to a forced one I have a huge issue with, since it means it’s a decision it takes that I can do nothing about and was in fact one of the specific things I tried to avoid while spending all of 2015 testing various security products, the lack of it being one of the reasons why I chose Emsisoft in the first place. And I actually discussed the matter with their support for a while, since I glanced at their forums at some point and saw a thread about the issues the way they had initially implemented it caused, but was assured that if it’ll make it into even the delayed branch it will be optional, with the support guy saying I’m free to swear at him if it’s not. Which I obviously did after being clearly told there’s no way to turn it off, even though that same support guy expressed surprise at this even after that reply was posted!
Yes, unlike in other products, you can customize what game mode means by deciding whether updates should still take place and whether notifications should still be displayed, so unless I’m missing something else you can pretty much disable it even while it’s enabled. But doing so also makes it pointless to even have the function at all, since if you’d then want to enable it manually at some point, an option which still exists, nothing would happen, so why do that instead of being allowed to stop it from checking and leave it as a manual setting, as before? That I will not accept under any circumstances, such a check that I can’t turn off, even if it has no actual effect, because it’s exactly the sort of behavior I was running from and why I chose to discard other options! And now it was forced on me through a program update that was also forced, even though program updates should always require explicit user consent.

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