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Angry, Scared, Tired, Down… But Going to Run Somehow, I Guess…

Picked up my race kit for Sunday’s half marathon today, and walked there and back, taking quite a significant detour on the way back as well to check out a couple of places I was considering getting something from after finishing, and during which detour a piece of wood, likely from the eaves of the house I was passing by at the time, fell probably less than half a meter from me. Will probably only get a pizza from one of said places though, since I’m too down in the dumps and the money issue exploded again, so I’m just completely out of it and the plans I had to “reward” myself, with multiple “levels” according to the result, went down the drain. Have the money for it now, but no longer want to, and considering how things stand and how much worse they’ll get, with something happening now and the way my parents keep handling things, I can’t waste anything like this. May end up spending on a movie later anyway, which will be an even bigger waste, but there is a reason for it that… Means something…
The thing is that I have been preparing for this since last year, struggled to come out of the winter able to run ten kilometers just fine every week, did the longer runs as well, got good times, struggled to keep at it despite the recent health issues, even looked more into what food should be eaten before such a run and trying to do a little about that as well these days. Actually just eating something I made and which I’d say turned out very well, not that I even know why I still bothered with it this evening…
I had a goal, some motivation, and that’s really rare. I really wanted to do well, though I was increasingly worried and afraid because of it. But always need stability and predictability, and the first issue was the fact that a monthly metro card wasn’t purchased anymore, for the first time in years I think. Now there’s just a ten-trip one dad got, saying he’ll get me another too since he needs that these days, so each trip will count as money spent and the idea of wandering around and checking out several places today and then maybe buying from a few of them Sunday went down the drain. And then buying in general went down the drain since I also needed the money for the “rewards” and had mentioned it repeatedly, yet what I got and the reaction that came with it stunned me. Sure, quite a lot more was given later, but that was after I snapped, which happens when I need to talk about money either way it goes, and after it was too late to do something about what I had already given up on, and the mood was too down the drain for future plans as well.
I’m just too down to care anymore. If the money wouldn’t have been spent to sign up, doubt I’d even be going anymore. As it is, I guess I have to, though I also slept little yesterday and today and also walked quite a lot on both these days, my right foot isn’t happy and a tooth seems to want to start hurting too. But the plans for a great time, and obviously also the chances of it, went down the drain. Maybe I’ll still try something once there, I don’t know, but at the same time I may just take it slowly and at least know from the start that I won’t manage anything. No idea… What I know is that I’ll be completely out of it for quite a while, no matter how that goes. And considering giving up on running for good after this, of course.

Oh, yes, and I also broke a plate Monday. A little one, and I have no idea how it happened. Was washing it and it somehow shot out of my hand with quite some force, flying back under my arm, taking a couple of plastic things that were in the way with it and shattering on the floor. Highly doubt I could have thrown it like that if I’d have wanted to. So, either way, just adds to the things I broke, and keep breaking, or which keep breaking around or on me. Or… Something…

I’m sure there was something else I wanted to write about, and there’s more to say about today as well, and about the mess yesterday, but forgot what that other thing was and the rest is just shut away to some extent. I’m numb. Maybe I’ll remember what that other thing was and get to more of the rest later, or maybe I won’t. Posted a rant that’s pretty much about these issues last year anyway.


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