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Bite, Embarrassment, Guilt, Botanical Garden, Shutting Down

This post will start right after the previous personal one, because I mentioned that bite on my shoulder to dad after coming back from the run and he told me to be careful with such things, which got me worried and thinking about tick bites, considering the rash around it. Looked up the symptoms, but since I couldn’t really see that well there either I ended up asking him who could have a look and we went to the infectious diseases hospital nearby. Also wondered what I had exposed myself to while there, with the guy who was there before me eventually being told that he just had a cold but the other one who was getting checked out at the same time I was being worried of hepatitis, but when the doctor had a look at the bite and she said it was just a spider I was embarrassed for having wasted her time, and then even more so when she wrote me a prescription with several things on it anyway. It got even more awkward when the nurse asked for some information to write down and the doctor, who had already congratulated me for volunteering when I said where I believe I had gotten the bite, told her not to register me since they’ll have to charge me and they don’t charge volunteers, yet the nurse did so anyway, telling the doctor that she’ll just tell me to state that I can’t pay and did just that, asking me to write that down and sign.
Since the doctor had said that the prescription was so the effects would go away sooner and not bother me as much, I had calmed down and had no intention of getting those things, thinking to at most use the first thing she wrote, since I knew that we had some already. There was another thing, which she had said was an allergy medicine, which I thought might be a good idea to have around in case of one of those wasp bites I had been warned of, but definitely not to use for this, and didn’t want anything purchased right away. However, dad insisted, asking what I had decided to do when he came back after stopping on the way for a beer but completely dismissing my answer and going anyway despite me repeating that I didn’t want anything purchased, won’t touch any of it if he will buy them and feel awfully guilty about it.
That completely messed me up, I was feeling so terribly guilty for all of it, the doctor’s time, the expenses, creating demand that will justify production that will use even more resources, all of it for no reason, just me getting scared again. So I completely ignored him when he came back with the things and I decided to literally not touch them, not even the little paper bag some of the things are in, so they’re still in the middle of the kitchen table even now, as he’s not putting them away and, as I said, I literally will not touch them for any reason… Not that it helped much, and that night I didn’t even go back to the kitchen to eat, just sitting here rather in a daze, hugging myself, and eventually getting in bed by 4:20 AM, this obviously also leading to Sunday’s post… And also to still doing without something I wanted to ask him to buy the day after that mess, as I definitely couldn’t do that anymore, and still didn’t, and I don’t have enough set aside for it, not to mention it plus any regular purchases that should be made these days, plus that I’m not sure I can purchase it with cash, and while I’m in no way certain about the decision, the matter is quite pressing.

Moving on, since it wasn’t a tick bite, I decided to volunteer at the Botanical Garden the next day as well, again just between 4 PM and 6 PM. Again meant to leave at 3:10 PM and again was a couple of minutes late, but actually got there a bit earlier than last time. Also took a training shirt otherwise worn around the house with me this time, though the pants were still the running ones. And at the entrance I did catch a guard’s eye and told him that I should be on the list, but he told me to tell the one who was next to him, eating in the guardhouse, as he should know better, and that one just waved me through, not checking anything.
When I got to the gift shop, a car was just parking there and a guy started carrying some packages in just as I went to that bathroom to look for gloves, at which point I noticed that Anca was also there, but I got out of there quickly, then had to go back after noticing I had taken two gloves for the same hand, but eventually found a pair and went back out, finding that other volunteer already watering. She handed me the hose again right away though, and went back to cutting weeds, which I guess was also why she was so fast, compared to me actually pulling out the roots. She also seemed in the mood to talk a fair bit until I was getting too far to hear, and after we ended up next to each other again at a later point she eventually said that she’ll let me meditate, since she noticed that I come for peace and quiet and don’t like talking. So I watered the plants up to the point where the two hoses, or more exactly the second and third segments, are joined together, and also quickly washed the legs of the benches and the trash cans, though I couldn’t also wash the solar benches, only carefully spraying the legs of one a bit, since a guy sat on the other all that time and I risked spraying him even if I tried to wash that one properly.
When that second hose, the third and fourth segments, were no longer needed, we separated it and meant to gather it, so I could help as well, even though Anca had said that she’ll help gather it when it’ll all be done. The thing is that the other volunteer said she had no time to gather it properly on her own last time, since it takes a very long time, and she put it in something, which led to Anca getting angry that it’ll get damaged that way, so it seemed a good idea to try to do it this way… And I sure saw how hard it is. Not sure that the way she taught me to do it is the right one, but that thing definitely doesn’t seem to work as you’d expect it to and we couldn’t get it to fit, struggled for a while, then pulled most of it back off, then tried again, saw that it wasn’t any better the second time either and she eventually wrapped what was left of it around the top and took it back that way, which Anca at least said was good enough. My pants were dirty by then, as the hose had rubbed against them, but other than trying to wipe with a bit of water there wasn’t much to do about it. It was 6:25 PM by the time I left anyway, due to struggling with the hose for so long, and I was back here at 7:15 PM.

The next day I was supposed to buy cat food again, and I did go, but at first I pretty much shut down. I was eating something before leaving when dad asked about the bite and that was that, didn’t answer, didn’t answer his next question either, and was whimpering as I rushed back to my room. So I waited a bit longer than I meant to before going out, but that also meant I was still here at 3 PM, when ESET Antivirus otherwise deducted a day from the time left on the trial, but it still said it was active then, so I hoped it’ll be different on that last day and remain active until midnight… Yet when I got back it said the trial had finished, though it still seems active in itself even now. Didn’t update it since then, of course, and it is the pressing matter I was referring to above, as I rather mean to just purchase it, without also trying BitDefender or perhaps Kaspersky, or even both, but I don’t know what will happen in the end.
Either way, went out the door just before 3:10 PM, but once I was outside I realized I didn’t have a cap on and ran back to get it. Then I first walked to what I consider to be the big Mega Image from the area, where I hadn’t been in a long time, and checked the prices there. After that, walked to that Kaufland, being surprised to see one kind of cat food on sale, though I hadn’t seen it on the site, so I made a mental note to buy that from there, and another one about the price of another kind at a pet shop from that place, considering how much its price has increased in hypermarkets. Kept going after that, walking to the Auchan from that area and finding that second kind of cat food at a slightly better price than at that pet shop, but they seemed to have every kind except one of the two I was supposed to buy, so I bought some of the type they did have, then took the free bus to that Carrefour… After a rather uncomfortable exchange with the driver, even more so considering my state of mind, since when he got in I asked if he was the one leaving then and he rather snapped at me, saying rather aggressively that there’s no point in asking, and when I said that sometimes there are two cars he said it doesn’t matter, each has his own schedule, which was just my point, wanting to know whether he was scheduled to leave then or was waiting for the next listed time.
When I got to that Carrefour, I also checked to see whether they still had the cooking oil that was listed on the site as a limited offer, then went to that farmers’ market and got some cheap plums, leaving apples for some other time. Got a bit confused after that, meaning to go to that pharmacy next but being unable to figure out how and eventually deciding to get back to Kaufland first, walking back there and buying the cat food I could get from there and the other kind from that pet shop. Interestingly, the listed price for those snacks from Kaufland that Liza is addicted to was higher than normal, but when I scanned them they showed up as still being the regular price, and it’s very unusual for the real price to be lower than the listed one at Kaufland, or anywhere except at Auchan for that matter. I guess they’re about to increase the price and somebody changed it too quickly, perhaps.
Walked back after that, finally getting to the pharmacy, going around the farmers’ market since I had wandered around inside it for a while before getting those plums and didn’t want to perhaps appear even more suspicious by showing up again. Then, after getting what I wanted from the pharmacy, went back and into the Carrefour Market that’s next to that farmers’ market, having a look and seeing that cooking oil available there as well, at the same price, even if they just had three packs plus one single bottle and the list left by my mother mentioned two packs. So I bought that as well, then stopped to rearrange everything in the bags, bought a pretzel from a place that’s just there, and walked back, actually managing to only stop twice on the way. Admittedly, took a couple of minutes each time, giving myself a bit of time to recover and rubbing my arms, but it was nevertheless something to get back here with just those two stops, walking what Google Maps says were 1.4 km while carrying a third of my weight, 16 kg compared to my 48, as I weighed myself and the stuff right after getting back, at 7:35 PM.

Saturday’s only notable event happened soon after I got up and could have been ugly, since I again ended up being on the toilet longer than it took the water to start to boil and it ended up putting out the fire. Judging by the smell, the gas was left on longer than the first time, so I was a bit concerned, but immediately turned it off and opened the window, waved the newspaper I had been reading on the toilet around for a while, then just gave it some time and eventually turned the stove back on, carefully trying the electric lighter next to the window at first. Just like last time, after that I also lit a candle and carefully carried it around, raising it in some places around the apartment to check for any small pockets which might have ended up there, but there was no sign of anything, and no real risk of anything of the sort existing anyway.

As for yesterday, I ran, in good part because the conditions were good and the forecast for the rest of the week seems split between heat and storms, but also in an attempt to clear my head to some extent, still being a mess, hiding from dad around here and not wanting to speak, wanting to avoid dealing with people enough to not even have a look at the protests that took place these days, after Alexandra’s murder. I also didn’t do laundry until today, so yesterday I had neither my running pants nor either of the t-shirts I run in, but I just ran in the clothes I was wearing inside then, and it was rather fortunate that I had the biggest t-shirt on and you couldn’t see much of my shorts, because it’d have been rather weird otherwise. And since the “equipment” was so unusual anyway, I also took the regular shoes, not the running ones. In addition, due to avoiding dad, didn’t even drink anything before going, managing to make tea but not getting back in the kitchen to drink, and didn’t eat any of those wheat things either, since I didn’t go there to put jam on them. Even took me two tries to take a shit, as the first time he got out of the living room as I was in the bathroom and went to use the other one and my muscles just seized and I couldn’t get anything out anymore.
Still, got up from the computer at 4:05 PM and went right out. Was a bit worried about the wind on the way to the park, but it died down and there were just a few small places where I felt that I was running against it, and nothing relevant even then. And, even though at first I didn’t really have any target other than to stay under 48:30 and after the first lap I was worried that I may fail even that, I ended up being faster than last week, the time being 47:18.90, with sector times of 4:19.69, 5:04.09, 5:49 (5:48.90), 4:24 (4:23.86), 4:54.24, 5:47 (5:46.31), 4:26.21, 5:03.09, 5:47.05 and 1:45.46, making for lap times of 15:12.68, 15:05 (15:04.41) and 15:16.35.
The keys were one problem, really swinging in the pocket of these shorts, and making the shorts move around a lot as a result, but that didn’t last long, as they fell or flew out before the end of the first lap’s second sector, since I noticed a tear in that pocket but have no idea whether it was already there or they tore through. Either way, after obviously losing a few seconds to retrieve them, I held them in my hand the rest of the way. After that, the next issue was on the second lap’s first sector, when I had to briefly stop and wait for a way to go through, when I was about to go around two people, one holding an umbrella with the pointy end dangerously to the side, just as a cyclist was also going around all three of us and another cyclist and a skateboarder were coming from the opposite direction, and we couldn’t all fit in the same place at the same time. And then, on that lap’s third sector, as I went wide to let three runners coming from the opposite direction stay on the inside, I felt my back starting to hurt in a way that I didn’t think could be fixed while running, by finding a way to snap it. Tried a few times, but had to accept the situation and keep going like that, and while the pain lessened after a few minutes, it still hurts to some extent even now. However, despite these problems, with a lap two that was faster than the first, I realized I could manage a better time and pushed on lap three, not really aiming for anything more than to stay under 48 minutes but realizing on sector three that I had a small chance to even beat last week’s time. I rather doubted it, but just kept pushing, also on that final sector, and actually made it with several seconds to spare.

As for the clear timed squats during this period, those were on July 24, 2:38, and July 28, 2:21. On July 27 and 29 I tried to time, but there were replays when I finished, and while yesterday it was a short replay and I can say it was about 2:26, give or take a second, the 2:25 estimated for Saturday is quite rough. And I waited to post this after doing today’s squats as well, but once again there was a replay just when I finished, so I again have to estimate and I’d again say about 2:25, probably give or take no more than a second.


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