Cav's Place

Since this is the last would-have-been anniversary before getting to be hurt longer than I was in the relationship, I’m trying to figure out exactly when that’ll happen. But it depends on the day I consider as the day we broke up. I don’t think that will ever be clear, but I tend to take the day she left as the day we broke up, though if you think things through it seems the least likely out of all the options. Still, if it’s that day then the tipping point should be December 12th… Exactly five months from now. Sure, a lot can happen in five months, but that’d be nothing short of a miracle and I seem to have been found unworthy of any of those.

I’m just sitting here and remembering bits and pieces, perhaps reliving some of them… It’s terrible and wonderful at the same time. Yes, far more terrible than wonderful, considering how things stand, but I wouldn’t give up what we had for anything. I wouldn’t give up what I’m feeling for anything either, regardless of how much it hurts. The feelings, memories and precious few items I still have that I can somehow connect to her are all I have left. And the pain they cause is infinitely better than the nothingness that would be left without them. But enough about that. Here’s our relationship in the flashes that are running through my mind…

The first time we met, exactly six years ago. We had no idea how it would turn out, just hoped we’d manage to go on that vacation together and really thought we’d do it as just friends. Train station, me looking right at her as she got off the train but thinking that can’t be her. But then she caught up to me, struggling to drag her luggage after her, and pulled on my sleeve.
Later that day, sitting on my bed with quite a bit of distance between us. I got a strange urge to tell her I like her eyes, so I did. She rolled them and said I’m not the first to say that, but it doesn’t work with her. I wondered what didn’t work, since I wasn’t trying to do anything.
That evening. Me being angry at my parents because they didn’t leave as they said they would. I turned towards the wall, fuming, but she got in front of me, hugged me and pecked me four times. Never on the lips, but close enough.
Then the kiss, or the attempt anyway. I’ll never know what got into me to do that… Mumbling “shows I don’t know how to do that” and then staring at her as she was staring at me, unblinking, for about one minute. One endless minute of sheer panic, not knowing how she’ll react, until she finally said “then let me teach you” and proceeded to do just that.
Her begging me to go sleep with her in the other bedroom since my parents left it for her when she said she didn’t want to sleep in the same room with me before reaching the hotel. Eventually each of us sleeping alone. Me staring at the ceiling for a long time and wondering what’s going on.
Next morning, parents gone, waking up to her looking at me and saying it’s already too late to be sleeping. I thought I was in trouble, stumbled upon a morning person…
A little later. Kissing and groping each other until I had a really bad case of blue balls and she said she’s hurting in certain areas too, but we didn’t move further than that.
Next day, on the train, her trying to hold my hand and cuddle, or at least get me to react somehow, and me ignoring her completely because I was too uncomfortable since there were others around.
Getting there, looking around confused, wondering what we were going to do next. Her taking charge, picking a cab driver and being on our way to the hotel.
In our room, or apartment to be more exact. On the floor, me struggling with her to find out why she was upset. Then making out a bit right then and there, until she got worried that somebody might see since all windows were wide open. I doubt anybody could have seen us, not without a helicopter at least.
Going out to eat for the first time, after she took about one hour to “get ready”. Me saying “next time I’ll tell you we should go out an hour early” right as we went past the maid. Her whispering “now you just confirmed it” a few seconds later, referring to the fact that those at the hotel thought we were married, somehow.
The waiter at the restaurant asking me for the order. Me promptly getting up and running away, leaving her alone. I kept running until some barking scared me, then I just stood there, frozen. Eventually went back in, with her, feeling like shit.
That night, fooling around until I came, clothed. Washing my underwear in the sink while she was laughing her ass off.
Later that night, me feeling bad about what had just happened, thinking we went too far. Her getting upset at this. Arguments. Breaking up, apparently. Despair. Long talks. Hugging and making up after a sleepless night.
Going out while there, me keeping my distance, not wanting to hold her hand. Her being frustrated every time.
Third day there, her wanting to do oral to me in the morning. Me worried that I’ll give her something if she does, considering the rash I had been having there for years (recently found out it’s atopic dermatitis, nothing much to do about it). Her saying she’ll take a look and judge for herself, checking out my cock and balls on all sides, saying she doesn’t think it’s contagious and starting to play with it.
That night, her going all the way with the oral after a long talk about what to do when I’ll come. She said she’ll kiss me and pass it on, me saying ok and her doing just that after I was done. A long time later, her telling me that moment was crucial in getting rid of her blocks when it came to sex.
Same night, taking a bath together with the lights off because she wouldn’t have it any other way. Trying to be really quiet because she was afraid others from the hotel would hear us…
Next day (I think), walking and talking. Finding out our grandparents are from the same village. Her saying that if we dig deep enough we might find out we’re some kind of cousins. Me thinking that’d be seriously fucked up.
Me tricking her into letting me do oral on her. The initial protests quickly dying down, but her eventually stopping me. Me asking if it was that bad and her saying “no, quite the contrary” while appearing quite confused.
The night we tried to go all the way for the first time, worried about lots of things and not managing much in the end because we were both too tense.
Next day, things finally working well. Her saying “I think I might have finished too if you had kept that up just a few seconds more” just after I was done. Me getting pissed and asking why didn’t she just say so and her saying she just didn’t want to.
A morning when the maid wanted to come in while we were sleeping (again). She got up and went to the door while I crawled on to an armchair and almost toppled over immediately.
A couple of days later. Me getting a cold, her getting me something for it which made me quite drowsy but I wanted to do it. Was done in about five seconds. Felt like shit.
Our only real hike, up to a cabin that was actually the starting point of several trails. All the times she said she’ll stop and wait for me to get back. Me wanting to pick a trail and keep going after we reached the cabin, but her barely being able to make it inside, sit down at a table and order some food.
Her first orgasm with me. She was exhausted, fell asleep while I was doing oral and woke up having an orgasm.
The only other trip outside the city while we were there, climbing up through the forest and back down on a ski slope, talking all the time. Or a ski slope is what it looked like, but it was summer so we couldn’t be sure.
A dinner at a gas station. No idea why I remember that so vividly, but I do.
An evening when we were in bed, eating and watching TV. Her saying “you’d say we were married”, me saying “no, if we were married we’d be doing something else in bed” and her replying with “no, before marriage we should be doing something else in bed, afterwards we’d do exactly this”.
The time she wanted to have sex during a Formula One race, just to see how good I am at “multitasking”. I was just going through the motions while my attention was on the race, which seemed to amuse her quite a lot.
The last night there. Making the most of it. Her saying she wants me inside of her when I knew I was so close I couldn’t even put a condom on. Her saying we’ll do it without one in that case and managing to get me in anyway despite my protests. Me asking if she’s sure she wants me to come inside of her, her saying no while at the same time clinging on to me tightly and starting to move, which caused the inevitable to happen in about two seconds… Both of us being worried sick about it afterwards. Still not proud at all for allowing that to happen, even though nothing bad came out of it.
The sadness we both felt while waiting for the train that’d bring us back, not knowing what would happen next. A moment when I was just walking around with the camera, turned towards her and saw her looking the other way. I took a picture, it turned out bad, but it means a lot.
The inner struggle to mask the joy we both felt in the car after getting back here, when dad said they’re planning to have some work done on the house and asked if she could arrange for me to live with her during that time instead of dragging me to my grandparents as they’d have done otherwise.
The frustration we felt while trying to act as just friends again around my parents for the few days she spent here after coming back from our trip, before her mom came to get her since she didn’t want to go back alone.
How careful we were about anything we did at night so nobody would hear anything, since that bed squeaked like crazy.
A moment when dad started calling me while I was doing oral to her. Someone else was around as well. My door can’t be locked. We both froze. That evening he asked if we had slept earlier and I managed to say “I guess so, why?” while we both kept a straight face. The laugh we had about it after we got back to my room…

And here I go focusing on just those first two weeks again. Have to post this now because I want it posted today and there’s not much time left until midnight. I seem to focus on the beginning a lot when I remember things. I guess it’s normal, everything was new, everything happened the first time for me, everything started from there. But I’ll keep writing this and post the other flashes later too. It probably won’t be a very accurate description of our relationship, but it’s not meant to be. Only images running through my mind these days, nothing more…