Cav's Place

2022 is a milestone year, but for us meeting, not for Andra leaving, so the important post was the July 12 one, while now I’ll just quickly throw something together, just to mark the moment and actually manage to post it at 4 AM, without just posting what I have at that time and then editing to add more later, even if that’s pretty much the rule lately, and I also did it last year.

Not that there’s anything new to say… Which also means that, at least on this quick search, I didn’t find anything new, which in turn also means that I didn’t find anything to say that my worst fears have become reality, so there’s still room for that entirely false hope that I need to keep manufacturing and somehow hold on to despite still somehow being sane enough to know that I’m doing that. Then again, while losing that shred of sanity might make getting through each day somewhat more manageable, it’d most likely also mean everything becoming even less clear in my mind and losing even more of the memories and the “reality” of the emotions, if that may be an appropriate term.

What I’m still not entirely sure right now is how I’ll end up spending the day, however. I just finished that series of three runs in five days and the plan for this week would be to walk the route of the marathon, but I also have another thing to do on Wednesday, and while I initially meant to go out today as well, in part in order to get something that I won’t be able to get later and in part because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to stay in on this day, I’m now thinking that I actually don’t want to go out today. Also don’t want to go out on three consecutive days, after those runs and before such long walks, but I just don’t want to go out today in particular. So, unless I change my mind, I guess I’ll just stay here, remembering what I still can of the one time when life seemed to be worth living and the future, at least on a personal level, was something other than this bleak, hopeless, terrifying source of constant anxiety, depression and even actual horror.