The Dream and Now This?
Two days ago I logged on to Yahoo! Messenger and saw her on! It’s pretty much exactly one year since I cracked when we last talked, since she had been pretty much ignoring me again for about a week at that point and then snapped at me when I sent her a harmless message, and I sent her that e-mail which obviously caused her to truly ignore me from then on…
No idea whether it even really was her on that account at that moment, and either way it could have been a bug which let me see her for a little while, perhaps even though I’m still on her ignore list. Or maybe she had reinstalled and something happened to her ignore list and by sending something I just reminded her to put me back on it. Who knows? But to say that I was shocked would be an understatement.
Actually, as soon as I logged on I had to log off and rush to the bathroom. Spent my time there trying to remember the whole process I once read happens between the moment you see something which produces a great shock and the moment your body decides to unload all, shall we say, excess weight. Luckily I did reach the bathroom in time…
Then I came back, took a deep breath, logged back on, sent her a hug and waited. Had to stop at the hug smiley because I knew I couldn’t actually say anything and not run immediately afterwards. Was really hard to manage to keep myself occupied enough to stick around even so, and some 20 minutes later I realized that’s about as much as I could handle, so I sent a message saying that and left, only to continue being worried sick afterwards, wondering if she ever replied or if it even was her, assuming my messages got through in the first place.
Eventually convinced myself to sign back on yesterday… And saw I had nothing from her, as expected. Also didn’t see her on anymore. So I guess it was either a bug or I actually did remind her to put me back on ignore if I had somehow ended up off that list.
So I guess this is pretty much it. Me getting really worked up over nothing again… But this “nothing” sure looked like a big “something” to me, just seeing that name lit up there… In case somebody’s reading this, don’t mind it. I guess I’m mainly writing to make sure I’ll remember the day.
Nothing’s going to change in what I feel… I’m just so frightened by what might have happened since I last heard from her, especially since this happened so soon after that dream I mentioned earlier…
