Embarrassment, Regrets and Old Posts
I often get little flashes of past events that make me feel very embarrassed. In some cases there are also regrets. Regrets that I did what I shouldn’t have, that I didn’t do what I should have, or simply that things happened to me, when I don’t know even now what I could have done or not done to change the outcome.
The biggest regret should be quite obvious for everyone, and that falls into the last category mentioned above, but there are others as well. And, as I said, there are also a lot of memories that simply make me feel like crawling into a hole in the ground due to embarrassment. I guess it’s very easy to make me feel like that, not to mention that I often feel embarrassed for others when I see them do things that’d embarrass me.
The flashes are just a regular part of my life and probably wouldn’t really be worth mentioning if it’d stay at that. But the thing is that every now and then I start thinking about these moments more seriously and end up wrapped in embarrassment and regret. More so than usual, I mean. Now is such a time. Still, I don’t feel ready to write about all those moments I remember, how they make me feel and why they make me feel as they do. Perhaps there will be another time for that…
I have been thinking of moving my oldest blog posts here for some time now. I’m talking about the journal I kept on Kiwibox for a little while in 2000, which I named “Moments from the Life of a Knight in Soul Armor”. I didn’t do it at first because I had more or less forgotten all about them. Was actually quite surprised to see they’re still there now. Either way, I plan to move them here as soon as possible.
There is a limit to how many I can move because I have set two goals for this blog when I started it, namely that the number of posts filed in “Personal” and “Tests & Surveys” must be less than half of the total and that the number of posts filed in “Society” must be more than half of those filed in “Personal”. A third goal, writing a post in at least two different days each week, was added later, but this has nothing to do with the issue I’m talking about now. These goals were a little attempt to keep this blog at least somewhat true to the idea I had when I launched it, which was to try to put my thoughts, ideas and ideals into words, express them so others might have a chance of understanding what I mean. Currently, these goals limit the number of posts I can transfer to 14 out of the total of 26.
Excepting the first post, which is about my first love, there really isn’t anything there, so I might decide not to transfer a few of them, but the general idea is that I wrote those things and they should be here along with everything else. It will take some time to correct typos, spelling and grammar mistakes and various other things I seem to have “produced” eight and a half years ago, but the first ones should be here soon. I’ll keep the original time and date of posting, as I did with all the old posts I have transferred here so far, so you’ll find them nearly four years before the oldest posts currently listed and about six and a half years before the actual launch of this blog.
What’s the connection between the two parts of this post? That first old post… I read it again last night and had to cover my eyes and peek through my fingers after a while, that’s how embarrassed it made me feel.
