Would a Mind Dump Help?
Once again, I can’t bring myself to write anything. There are plenty of things on my mind, but mainly personal things and I was trying really hard to avoid other “feeling sorry for myself” posts. Yet I think it’s better to just write a little about these instead of nothing at all. Maybe it could also help me be able to think about other issues as well and therefore have something else to write about these days, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up, it doesn’t work like that…
Perhaps I should start with health concerns, since a new one has been added on top of the usual ones. I’ve been feeling a dull pain in my lower right side for a couple of weeks now, generally towards the back. My first thought was that my right kidney is trying to say something, but it might just be my hip complaining about the slightly increased difficulty of my daily exercise routine, or even something else entirely.
As for the usual concerns, they’re still there, no reason to get into them. My back also seems to hurt more and more often; there were only a couple of weeks between the last two times. It’s kind of sad that I’m getting used to a level of pain that made me basically unable to do anything, not even sleep, the first time I felt it. Also, my lower lip quivers quite a lot lately, I just find that weird.
Since that’s out of the way, I’m sure you know the real main concern that’s on my mind. It’s the same as always, or always since she left, that is… Of course I’m thinking and worrying a whole lot about Andra, that never changes. Would still really want to know what’s going on in her life, what’s she doing, how she is… And I’m still very scared of what I might find out…
Assuming she’s still in England, the current economic crisis is one more reason for concern, since I heard that the United Kingdom has been hit really hard. Being Romanian doesn’t exactly help anyone abroad, you know? Knowing her, she’d really want to keep her job, assuming she found one again after she went back, assuming she did go back. This would be really important to her on a personal level, not just from a financial point of view. But doing so might prove quite difficult right now, considering everything…
All I can say is that I hope she’s well and happy… But I’d really like to hear from her, though the prospect frightens me at the same time and I doubt I’d manage to handle it better than the last time. Actually, I’m still very surprised by how long I managed to delay cracking completely when we last talked, so I doubt I’d even get close to such a “performance” again. The one condition is still for her to have no kids. Whether her own or adopted or even just in her long-term care doesn’t really matter. That’s the one thing I’ll never accept and therefore the one thing which could kill me more than the current situation does.
Otherwise, I still sorely feel the lack of a real close friend… I haven’t even been that close to anyone on-line in a very long time, but I’m not talking about on-line friends now. Physical contact is really important to me and, while I couldn’t handle having any sort of “real life” relationship with more than a few people, having none is really taking its toll.
You’d think I’d get used to it, since the only time I had a close “real life” friend was also the only time I had anyone I could call my best friend. I’m talking about the short amount of time Elena P. was a part of my life… That’s a story I never wrote about here, maybe I should someday. But life has proven that when something appears to be too good to be true, it usually is. I’m saying this because I’ve had certain suspicions about what really happened back then all along, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d find something really ugly if I’ll ever find out what that was really about. But I doubt that’ll ever happen…
So no, I never got used to it. I certainly don’t want “people” around me, but I need one in order to be able to function in any way and a second one would also help. Lacking the first, the second becomes mandatory. The first would obviously be my girlfriend, and as of close to seven years ago that can only be Andra. The second would be someone I could truly call my best friend. I guess I did better with the girlfriend, since I had one for over three years. I’ve only had (what I thought to be) a real best friend for two months…
Those are the main problems that likely keep me from thinking long enough about anything else. Just writing about them doesn’t exactly help, it never does, but I couldn’t exactly do anything else…
Let’s see how I’ll manage to somehow get a second post out of myself this week, and hopefully one that doesn’t deal with personal issues. It’ll probably turn out like crap, but most of them do anyway…
One more thing, completely unrelated with any of this: My new video card’s power consumption is pretty much what I expected it to be, so I was excited for no reason when I thought it was much lower. It only uses as much as it needs, so that’s what confused me initially, because I wasn’t playing something that required any significant effort from it. Just thought I’d add this here, since I noticed it a couple of days ago.
