Can I Please Wake Up Now? – I
I have an extremely long, deep, painfully personal entry in mind… It’s going to be far from what I intended to post here and I know I’m going to hate myself and want to crawl into a dark hole for writing it, but can’t help it… I know I’m going to spend several hours on this, mainly because my thoughts would keep going astray… I want her to read it, but know I’d delete everything if I thought she did… I know that neither her reading it, nor me deleting it after the fact, would solve anything, but that changes nothing… I know it’s the typical thing I do when I think I hit rock bottom, and that it doesn’t help, and that things will get much worse very fast, therefore proving I wasn’t at rock bottom in the first place, but I need to do it anyway… Weird, really, my 13th proper entry since I started this and only three of them were planned…
Yes, something triggered this. Actually, no, it wasn’t an event that triggered it. It has to do only with the twisted mental links I make, which cause me to feel so utterly abandoned right now that I can’t even find words to describe it. Something good happens to somebody I care greatly about and I find myself thinking “I’m happy for you, but sadder for myself than happy for you”. That sounds like envy, so I hate myself even more for thinking it, which makes it even worse. Yes, I want every creature on the Gods’ green Earth to be happy. No, I wouldn’t even want to be part of something similar myself. (Ok, I’m lying, it certainly wouldn’t be my choice, but of course I’d want it if it were with her. Anything is better than nothing!) Just that, damn it, I want to be included among those happy creatures too!
I see people figuring out what they want and then getting it, or getting something and then figuring out that it’s just what they wanted at the moment. Why, that’s great! It’s said that knowing what you want is often harder than getting it and this seems to prove that point. But I’ve known what I wanted for a long time, I’ve known it since July 2002, after spending about 12 hours together. And I had it… And then lost it, like the worthless moron that I am. So, whenever something like this happens, all I can ask is what do I need to do to get (back) what I know I want as well?
Saying that, I must point towards a previous post of mine, as some people might think that what they should do is not tell me things, because I react badly when told. I’m (hopefully) not talking about any current situation, but in general. My dad has been known for thinking this way time and time again, the way he handled getting me back here being the perfect example. What did that accomplish? Well, it did replace any trust I might have had in him with hate, but nothing else.
Saying again, the reaction is not about being told, but about the event itself! And I’ll never shoot the messenger… Actually, sometimes, when it doesn’t involve me, it’s not even about the event, but usually about the mental links I make between the event and my current situation. This is especially the case when something really nice happens to someone who’s on the “list” I mentioned in my previous post while I feel horrible. (Though it might also apply to others that I feel somewhat less close to.) Certainly the best example of this is her saying, while we were still talking after she left, that she thinks I’d feel worse if she’d tell me certain details about what they’re doing. Wrong! If it’s me you’re worried about, then the best thing you can do in such cases is make me feel like I was there, wearing an invisibility cloak. Get me involved, make me spend more time thinking about what advice I can give you to make things go even better (or to solve problems when they arise), so I’ll have less to dwell on the contrast between my situation and yours. Fill me in on every little detail, so I can just be happy with you about those that I can relate to, and for you about the rest, instead of letting me imagine possible scenarios and invariably having my mind drift to the above-mentioned contrast.
There is also the fact that many people don’t feel the need to tell the most personal details, or, worse, don’t want to at all, or just don’t feel that I’m the person they should be telling those things to. Depending on how I feel about the person, that may hurt terribly (in case of those on the above-mentioned “list”), bother somewhat (in case of anybody else that I feel close to), confirm in my mind that I should never try to get closer (in case of anybody that I’d call a “casual friend”), or just make me walk away with a “what-the-fuck-ever, see if I care” thrown back over my shoulder (in case of everybody else).
As I said before, relationships are based on trust, and trust is created by honesty. A solid friendship requires full trust, and full trust requires full honesty, nothing held back. So anything you don’t tell me is a step down on a potential “friendship scale”. Don’t say you want to be close friends but beat around the bush, I don’t care how personal the issue is…
That’s it with the intro I guess… (Yes, that was just the intro, I said it was going to be insanely long.) What I wanted to write about is how things have been for me since I got back here with my parents… A place I never wanted to even visit and people I never wanted to even hear from again.
But I’ve decided to split this into several parts, because otherwise I’d write a small book in a single post. I’ll end the first one here.
