I guess this is a milestone. Not just because the number is divisible by five, but also because I keep saying that, excepting some truly miraculous developments regarding all important aspects of my quality of life that’d still be in effect after that age, I’m really not keen on living past 50, so this may be the halfway point of my life. And I sure have little to show for this half, don’t I? I’m not talking about other kinds of achievements because, unless it’d be something that’d truly change the world, I don’t care about them so it’s quite normal that I don’t have any, but I will focus on close relationships because that’s what matters to me on a personal level, what can make me happy if it works well or destroy me if it doesn’t.
I had no such things as friends or people that I could really talk to about everything in my early years. There might have been a few I got along with somewhat out of those that were forced upon me in various ways, but nothing more than that. The first person I really got close to came after I got Internet access, though right now it shames me to admit that I can’t really remember if I met her in 1998 or 1999. Probably 1998 though. That was Kristi, and we ended up playing at something that might be considered an on-line relationship if you try hard enough. But we were never really that close and she vanished soon enough.
Then things did seem to get a bit better, after meeting Sarah in the summer of 1999. That did feel relatively close and it was a decent attempt at an on-line relationship, though I doubt that either of us saw it as something “real”. Though the idea of a relationship was just phased out after some time, we did keep in touch and stay relatively close until I cut contact with everyone after Andra left. We managed to occasionally get in touch after that too, but the situation she ended up being in didn’t allow for this to happen with any frequency and therefore there was no closeness left. In the end, she died to me.
Then “real life” decided to give me a jolt, so I met Rose and fell madly in love with her. That proved to be nothing but pain, since she never gave me any chance and didn’t even want to be friends. It helped that I had Mandy to talk to on-line, we talked about everything despite the fact that it didn’t feel like a truly close friendship, but this didn’t change the fact that I suffered after Rose for three whole years, until I was eventually able to bury my feelings for her under those I had for Andra, some six months after the start of our relationship.
But there were a couple of people that I did feel close to in “real life” as well, starting with Elena G., who was the only high school classmate I actually felt close to while I still went to school and I did cling on to her for a while. Or at least I meant to, but it didn’t quite work. I obviously will never be able to truly know what she thought about everything, but I did see her as the first potential close friend I ever had. I still do see her like that, actually. But we lost contact once I stopped going to school and never seem to be able to keep in touch for long, despite the fact that we did bump into each other on-line a few more times since then. We just talk for a little while, things seem to be going well, and then she vanishes.
The only person I could ever call my best friend, however, was Elena P., at least if any of that was true. I still have serious suspicions about what happened back then, so it’s possible that it was all a lie and I never had a best friend at all. Still, if it was real, those two months when we kept seeing each other were by far the best thing that had happened to me until then, and they still are one of the only two truly good things that ever happened to me, though admittedly by far the lesser one. But then she grew distant, kept being too busy to see me anymore and then stopped answering when I called as well. Maybe it was because it would have been quite impossible to stay just friends, maybe it was because of her boyfriend’s jealousy, maybe it was because it had been just a lie before, I doubt I’ll ever know, but I still wish and hope that I’ll somehow meet her again someday, at least to get some explanations.
Then, of course, was Andra. That relationship and my feelings for her came out of nowhere, but the three years we spent together were a happy time for me. That was the only period when I was actually happy, despite the fact that there obviously were problems as well, especially during the first year, before we moved in together. Words can’t convey what she and our relationship meant and still mean to me, so I won’t even try. But then she met someone else, decided to leave and it was over, leaving me dead in every way but the purely physical. And that’s how I’ve been ever since, all through these four long years, and this is how I’ll stay unless somehow, someday, I’ll get another chance…
At the time Andra left, I found myself trying to cling on to Jen, seeing as she was the closest thing to a friend that I had. But that didn’t work, her personality wouldn’t allow anyone to get as close to her as I wanted to, not by a long shot, so things didn’t go so well. We talked a lot for some time, but eventually she drifted away too, and for the past two and a half years I just find myself struggling to keep in touch. If you can even call it keeping in touch, seeing as she basically hasn’t told me anything personal in all this time. She does host this blog, though, in case anyone cares, so I need to take this opportunity and say a big thank you.
As for now, there are two “new” people that I consider to be important. One is Andreea, who seems to be pretty much what Mandy was back then, and the other is Alina. Alina is the first person I’ve ever actually tried to earn as a friend, and I’ve been doing that for over a year now, but I don’t seem to be getting far. She’s also only the second person I actually liked, defining that as having more positive than negative thoughts about her when trying to honestly analyze her personality, and may well actually be the first one in case everything that happened with Elena P. was a lie. (No, I didn’t like Andra quite like that. I thought she was far better than the tremendous majority of people, but even during the best times there were still quite a lot of things that bothered me if I sat to think about them. Love and like are two different things.) I can only hope I’ll manage to keep in touch with Andreea and eventually manage to actually get close to Alina. There are too many failures already…
So that’s how I’d describe the important part of these 25 years, and I even left out a few betrayals… The rest usually consisted of various types of sorrow, so it doesn’t matter anyway. Relationships are what matters to me on a personal level, so I can only hope that my luck will change during the next few years. What I want, besides good health and having the basic necessities met, is to be with Andra once again and make our relationship work out really well. Having a true best friend is also very important, and this best friend could also double as a secondary partner if we’d agree to have such a relationship. And if one or two other close friends could be added to that as well, it’d truly be perfect.
I had three reasonably happy years and at most two good events during these 25 years. Dare I hope that they were by far the worst part of my life, not the best? Dare I hope that I’ll get my wishes during the next few years, while I’ll still be young and hopefully healthy enough to enjoy them for a fair amount of time? According to everything that’s happened so far, I most likely shouldn’t even dare to think that such things could happen, and I usually don’t, but I have probably been undead for too long to still truly wish to die. Hoping that those wishes will be fulfilled while there’s still time is the only way to keep on living, so I need to somehow create that hope and hold on to it… Maybe someday it’ll even stop being a lie.