Cav's Place

I went out and bought something for the third month in a row… Admittedly, last month I happened to find something I wanted for years when I had absolutely no intention of buying anything, which made it all that more likely for me to manage to do it, but this time and back in November it actually was planned, which would normally mean that my chances would be slim to none.
Not that it’s any less scary, but I learned what to expect from myself and how to handle it. There’s still no way I’ll actually walk up to someone and ask for something, but if we’re talking about a hypermarket where I can pick up everything myself and have all the time I need to wander around and prepare myself and then make the purchase pretty much without saying a single word to the cashier, I seem to be doing better by simply not trying to do any better.

What I mean is that, since I knew I’d need to get away after first approaching the register, I eyed something potentially interesting to look at nearby and went to do just that while I regained a bit of composure instead of wandering away as I used to do before. Then I didn’t even try to look at the cashier, as that was bound to turn my legs to water. Then I expected to keep shaking and fumble with everything, so I just allowed myself to drop and mess up everything and then casually kept picking up whatever I was dropping and putting things back together instead of getting all worked up trying to keep things straight and constantly failing. Then I knew very well I’d be completely disoriented, so instead of trying to find the exit and possibly getting lost I just kind of tuned out and allowed myself to wander around aimlessly for a while. And when I could think more or less straight again, I crouched next to a wall and checked my pockets and bags to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind… It probably was a bit of a show, if anyone was looking, but it worked…
Granted that the weather helped a lot as well. Snow really lifts my spirits… And, oddly enough, I think that little old lady asking me to help her get an apron she couldn’t reach helped too. (Not that I could reach it myself, so I ended up standing up on the toes of one leg and trying to work it loose with the tip of an index finger until I eventually managed to get it down for her…) It was an interaction that didn’t make me feel threatened in any way, which hardly ever happens, and also allowed me to be of some help by doing something that didn’t bother me.

But why do I think I’m nesting? This will sound silly, but it’s mainly because, after picking up what I originally went there for, I also got a little plastic trash can. It’s the first item that will constantly be visible in my room that I bought myself and also likely the first such item that was bought without being absolutely necessary since I got thrown back here. The scented candles and candle holder I bought some time ago don’t count because I only took them out of the drawer I put them in a few times, but this will always be visible, despite being placed under my desk, as out of the way as possible.
I wanted one for a long time because it was bothersome to need to place whatever I needed to throw away in a pile on my desk or floor and remember to take it and dump it into the kitchen garbage can when I went to eat at night. Plus that I keep feeling the need to walk my talk more and I was thinking I should figure out a way to recycle what little paper and plastic I do throw away. So now I’ll have something to store those things in until I’ll gather more than a handful and then, hopefully, dispose of them properly in an appropriate location, the nearest being a few minutes away from here.
But that makes my mind go down paths I don’t exactly like, because doing anything for this place could imply accepting living here, which is a defeat I really can’t deal with. Of course, anything that can be carried away to another place isn’t exactly a problem, because it could count as preparation for moving to said other place, but it’s still an uncomfortable thought. This will again sound silly, but the fact that there was such a small plastic trash can on the desk while I was living with Andra likely helps a lot…

But that’s not all. I also bought a roll of a certain type of cheese that I like, which marks the first time I bought food for myself. My eyes fell on it while I was trying to work up the courage to walk to the register and I noticed that the price was almost exactly as much as I’d have left on me after paying for the other two items, so I just grabbed it as well.
That once again gets my mind on paths that’ll require time sorting out. They deal with my ability to live with a friend, if I’ll ever have one I could actually end up living with, or even my chances of survival alone, albeit with dad supplying me with the things I couldn’t obtain or make without actually interacting with anyone and being available when such interaction would be required for other reasons as well. This, of course, makes me wonder what could have happened with Andra if I could have managed to do these things at least five years earlier. In turn, that makes me blame myself both for doing these things now and for not figuring out a way to do them back then. But since right now we’re basically just talking about random occurrences, it means I’m still far from being actually able to do these things even now, so it’d have been utterly impossible back then, which actually just makes me blame myself even more.

Yes, I know it all sounds so very stupid to you, whoever you are. But I don’t care what you think. I just have a lot of things to sort out right now, and you may well say it’s all because of a little trash can… And the fact that dad noticed the roll of cheese and told me he’ll leave me some more money to cover what I paid for it just makes it worse. I need to sort it out myself well before I’m able to deal with him noticing any of it! The simple fact that a person I have to live with but desperately wish I didn’t has noticed something that triggered these thoughts, even if he doesn’t have the slightest clue about it, is something I really can’t deal with right now. So now I’m feeling like the worst piece of shit just because I bought some food. Literally.