Cav's Place

Large snowflakes are gently falling from the sky and everything is covered in a fluffy blanket of pure white… Blissful. And yet I’m sad and angry…
It’s been so many years since the last proper winter that, despite it still not matching the winters of my childhood, it should be a great reason for joy. And in a way it is. But that’s just a certain degree of contentment felt while looking out the window and seeing the snowfall and the whiteness, plus perhaps a little happiness when I go out and see snow everywhere. But this is not something to be enjoyed alone, so in the end it only serves as one more reminder of what I lost.

I just spent quite some time simply looking out the window, taking it all in, after creating a suitable playlist to listen to. At first I tried to sit on the heater, as I usually do when I’m looking at rain, but the very uncomfortable position was made even worse by the fact that it started feeling like it was burning my feet after a while. So I found a better place for myself, sitting on the corner of my desk, with just my feet on the heater, which was much more comfortable and also allowed me to move my feet enough to avoid feeling like they were getting burned.
But all I could do was hug myself, remember old times and perhaps dream a little of a pretty impossible future. Thinking of cuddling while watching the snowfall doesn’t exactly help if there’s nobody to cuddle with, and neither does going on walks through the snow and cold if there’s nobody to walk with, perhaps holding hands without gloves on until we’re all but frozen together or awkwardly trying to hug and kiss despite the clothes we’re wearing. And let’s not even talk about thinking of warming ourselves up with some passionate sex after coming back from such a walk or after simply opening a window…

There is little point in writing more right now. A significant portion of my anger may be caused by issues that affect the world and my sadness may be generally caused by personal problems, but they’re both currently enhanced by a simple fact: Moments of true winter remind me that nice things, happy things, beautiful things, can still happen, yet life reminds me that they don’t.
If nothing else, I’ll try to remember this picture of frozen bliss… It’s a reminder that Nature can still offer some small reasons for happiness, despite all of humankind’s attempts of turning that feeling into nothing more than a distant memory, or perhaps at most into the carrot at the end of the stick. Unfortunately, humans are winning everywhere, so even this may not last for much longer…
And I’ll dream. I’ll dream while I still can. At least in dreams, miracles are still possible, sometimes, both for myself and for the world. So I’ll keep on dreaming and try to force myself to keep on hoping, even when the hope is just a lie.