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Rage and Winter’s End

Yes, I’m fucking pissed. Or at least I made myself be pissed after spending three hours trying to get out of bed and only managing when I got angry enough to just get up in a rage, so that mood persisted. I guess turning sadness into rage can work for a little while. Not that this would be a new discovery, as it happened quite a few times before as well.
For the most part, the reasons are the usual ones… Plus certain skin problems flaring up again, which is awfully irritating. Plus something else I noticed a couple of days ago, which reminded me once again how much of a coward I am. Plus people rambling, without necessarily talking to me, about that utterly idiotic concept that happiness has little to nothing to do with external factors and is mainly a personal decision. Plus the fact that winter’s over…
I hoped there would be some traces of snow left outside my window at the end of the week, and perhaps a little even on Monday, but I’m not so sure anymore. There is a small area where snow takes longer to melt and a pile of snow formed somewhere by people who cleared it off other areas, but I’m starting to doubt that even those will last that long. Two days, most likely, but four or five seems quite improbable.

As always since she left, I just wish I’d wake up and realize that all this time has only been a very bad dream. Failing that, I wish she’d talk to me again, I’d learn that the thing I fear most didn’t happen and isn’t going to happen, we’d get close very quickly and then be together again within a reasonable time frame. Failing even that, I wish I was close to someone I could talk and cuddle with, probably preferably someone who’d be in a similar situation so she’d understand and we could just cry on each other’s shoulders and lick each other’s wounds, as they say, cutting ourselves away from the rest of the world as much as possible.
But failing all of those, I just want to smash something, or even someone, all right?


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