Cav's Place

Once again moving away from the previous post in this series, I will now focus on myself. What I’m thinking and what I’m feeling, both emotionally and physically. If you thought I laid my soul bare for everyone to see so far, you’ve seen nothing yet.

I’ll start with the way I’m feeling physically. I have to say that I overreact whenever I notice something wrong with me and not know exactly what it is and how I can solve it myself. While I don’t handle any person that I’m not already close to well at all, doctors and hospitals terrify me more than anything. From my point of view, there is no solution even to relatively simple problems, because I can’t say that I’ll just go see a doctor and get it fixed. That said, anything that can get worse if left untreated, probably will get worse in my case. The only way for me to even consider seeing a doctor is to be more scared by what I think I have than by the idea of seeing said doctor. And that can only happen if I think that I have something very serious and that every day is critical. So, whenever I’m not sure that I can solve the problem myself, and even more so when I don’t even know what exactly the problem is, I assume the worst thing that could possibly cause those symptoms and panic. That said, I will just focus on the facts and not on what I think they might mean.

First, my eyes. I never had a perfect eyesight, but it was good enough and it never got worse. I noticed a few problems shortly after she left and blamed the fact that I was now spending about twice as much time at the computer compared to how it was before. But things started getting worse and worse after I got here. I noticed a worsening shortly after ending up back here, in March last year, another in late summer, another in November, then things started getting noticeably worse each month and, as of about one month ago, I can say they’re getting noticeably worse each day. I wake up and keep my eyes closed for a moment longer, wondering how am I going to see today.
I saw a doctor about it in January, but got nothing out of that. The symptoms were pointing towards an imminent retinal detachment and it seems that she agreed, as she didn’t even let me finish saying what I’m noticing, checking for that immediately. Was told that’s not the problem, so I calmed down a bit, but I was not told what actually is the problem. The whole thing lasted about five minutes, three of which being spent on determining my prescription for glasses, something I wasn’t interested in at all. Then I was given a prescription for some drugs, not told what the problem is or even what those drugs are, I couldn’t make out anything from her handwriting, so I came out of there none the wiser. No, I’m not taking those drugs. Doubt I even could, considering the way I’m eating, but I want to be able to study what it’s about by myself and make an informed choice, and I can’t do that if I can’t understand what’s written there!
I know I would need glasses, at least for my right eye, but I’ve been seeing that way with that eye ever since I can remember. The changes I’ve noticed lately in that aspect are relatively minor, and my brain seems to ignore my right eye anyway, knowing it can’t rely on it. That said, as long as I can manage without them, they’re completely out of the question! And glasses won’t do anything to solve the problems that I went there for in the first place.
What are those problems? Spots, mainly. Bright white, pitch black, gray… Sometimes even colored, electric blue, red, yellow, dirty orange… Some move, or appear and disappear, some don’t. There is at least one that I constantly see with my right eye, and I’m pretty sure there is another that I see with my left eye. There are moments when I don’t notice the latter, but I think it’s because my brain works around it, since it is there whenever I look for it. I seem to be able to see through them, with the possible exception of the one I constantly see with my right eye, if the object I’m looking at to test this contrasts well enough with the background, but all colors in that area appear close to the color of the spot. There are small black spots that quickly pass through my field of vision. There are lights that slowly pass through a certain part of it and appear to leave a trail that I keep seeing for several seconds afterwards. Sometimes I notice my pupils dilated as far as they can go. It’s like I have spiderwebs on my eyes, but this is not new, just seems worse now. There are also problems with my peripheral vision, the area often seeming dark, like a shadow is covering it. Sometimes I see something that appears to be a mesh of lights with my right eye, towards the right. Plus that sometimes I can’t seem to focus. There is also a strange feeling, like there is something inside my eyes that shouldn’t be there.

I gave all those details about my eyes because it’s what worries me most, and the only problem that I did something about, though it proved to be useless. I’ll now quickly go through the other problems:
I’m shaking badly. Hands, legs, the whole body… There is also a relatively numb feeling and slight weakness in my right arm and leg. That’s not exactly new in itself, as my hands have always been shaking a little and I first noticed the problems with my right leg about 8 years ago, but things are getting worse fast ever since I got here. Shaking is significantly worse than it has ever been and affects way more areas and the same goes for that annoying feeling that I can only describe as a relative numbness and slight weakness. Under certain kinds of effort, the shaking becomes much worse. It’s getting to the point where I keep dropping, or almost dropping, things.
Besides the two new cavities I noticed since I got here, the two old ones are obviously getting worse. That whole area is often bleeding and sometimes swelling and hurting. I’m lucky in a way, since I did go to take care of one of them once, up to a point, so now I have a big hole in one tooth. When it starts to hurt, I squeeze that whole area, spit everything out, rise my mouth well and it gets better for a while once again. It also started to hurt when something cold touches the area, as of a few months ago. And there seems to be a little something grown in between two of my front teeth. At first I thought there was something stuck in between them and tried to get it out, but that obviously wasn’t it, so I’m confused. The area bleeds easily, but I can’t see anything there, just feel it with my tongue, too small. Yeah, I know what I need to do about it, but, if I say I’m terrified of doctors in general… I’ll need an even worse term to refer to dentists, and can’t find it.
My spine seems to dislike me more and more as well. The moments when something seems to go wrong and it starts hurting badly seem to be getting more frequent and last longer. Actually, I’m getting used to that level of pain, you probably wouldn’t even notice that I’m feeling it. Quite annoying…
My balls started hurting about a month ago, so about a week before I started being horny all the time. Shortly afterwards, I noticed something that appeared to be growing on the right one. Now it’s big enough to get a good feel of it and it certainly seems to be the same thing that I have on the left one for about 6.5 years now (but which also seems to have gotten bigger lately). Was told back then that there’s nothing to worry about, it’ll go away on its own. It didn’t… Either way, not exactly worried, if it were something serious I’d have known long ago. It’s just that it bothers. Good thing that it’s hurting less now.
There are also various pains in my lower abdomen, on both sides. Quite sharp sometimes, but thankfully those moments are short.
Plus the little annoying things like having way more zits than before. And all the tiny red moles I keep noticing in various places. A few of those turn pale brown, others stay as they are, others vanish. As I said, just annoying.
There are other things, but they have been there before getting here and didn’t get significantly worse since then, so there’s no reason to write about them here.

Moving on to what I’m thinking… Or, more exactly, to the way my thoughts feel and what I think about this matter specifically.
To put it bluntly, I feel like I’m way past my breaking point. I have already attacked dad once and will certainly do it again as soon as I have the slightest reason to. Can’t stand them around at all anymore and every sound they make is driving me out of my mind. But it’s not just them, even this person who’s been hammering and drilling every afternoon for the past week and a half has some pretty bad effects.
Been having breakdowns pretty much every day for a long time now. I’m past the state where taking it out on virtual foes in a game could solve the problem. Not sure that kicking and screaming would do much good, but I can’t do much of that since parents would hear me and comment on it, making it even worse. I simply can’t stay here anymore, but there’s nowhere for me to go, and I couldn’t handle it even if there were. There are moments when I can’t even be angry anymore, and I certainly can’t cry, so there’s not even a way to react left. I feel I’m about to explode…
There is no solution and there can never be any… I had a life and lost it, nothing good can happen after that. It’s so frustrating to just be alive because you’re too much of a coward to do what you need to do. Or, perhaps, what’s frustrating is to have just that shred of hope left that won’t give you the strength to do anything, but won’t let you say that there’s nothing left to lose either. That’s the worst case, because one can do something crazy when there really is nothing left to lose, and, who knows, something good may come out of it. But this way, I’m stuck here…
I am thinking about those potential signs and trying to see if I can get some hope out of them, but the rational part of me says that I’m making a big deal out of a few coincidences, seeing what I wish to be there instead of what really is. Which brings me right back to square one, the shred of hope and nothing more. Yet that’s all I can do, hope. Hope that one day we’ll be together again. And that this will happen in a way in which he won’t be hurt either, because I certainly don’t want that to happen.
Did find myself thinking about a possible future meeting with her, which was odd. It’s usually memories, albeit modified, not completely new events set in the future. And I mean it when I said I found myself thinking it, I was just walking around the room and the thought struck me. Not related to anything, not looking for it, just came on its own. And it scares me in a way. Partly because wishful thinking can’t make things better, partly because the idea that it might be true someday scares the shit out of me. I can’t even imagine how I could react. Sure, I want something like that, but whether or not I could handle it is another issue entirely.
Can’t I just go crazy, live completely in my own head and think she’s still with me? And be allowed to stay like that if it’ll happen, without anybody trying to “cure” me? Would be too nice, wouldn’t it? That’s why it’ll never happen, because nothing good can ever happen again to me… Probably deserve all of this, just for making the mistakes I’ve made to make her want to leave in the first place.
I’m actually trying to write things here in a way in which they’ll make some sense, trust me on that. My mind’s a complete mess actually. You know what would be funny? If somebody would try to read my mind somehow. Bet they’d go insane pretty fast, without managing to make any sense of anything.
I’m scared. Scared that I really will never be with her again but won’t get the guts to kill myself either, so I’ll stay in this state for who knows how many more years. Scared that I will get another chance at some point, not know what to do with it and mess up. Scared that I won’t even get the guts to strike at my parents again. Scared that I will, but fail miserably a second time. Scared that I will and kill them this time. Scared that they’ll move and force me to move too, therefore losing this room. Scared that they won’t move, and I’ll be stuck here with them for who knows how long. Scared that I’ll manage to be rid of them, one way or another, and end up living alone, knowing that I can’t manage it. Scared that I will end up living with someone, but not her, and that it would turn into a disaster immediately. Scared that parents will at some point get doctors to try to “cure” me, when there are only two possible cures, being with her again or dying. Scared about what’s going on with my eyes. Scared about ending up with her again someday and noticing that I can’t “perform” in any acceptable manner anymore because of what’s going on with my balls. Scared of her reading this at some point. Scared of her never reading it. Scared of surviving, because there’s nothing left but suffering. Scared of not surviving, risking to lose the chance that I might once again have, who knows how many years from now. Scared of losing all control. Scared of keeping in control of myself, only to be aware of how useless and painful everything is. Scared of myself. Scared of everybody else. Scared of the only thing that would make me turn away if given another chance. Just too damn scared…
What’s that one thing that would make it turn away? Children. Their own, adopted, needing to live in a house where somebody else’s kids also live in order to be with her, anything… Wouldn’t make me feel less for her. If anything, it’d be even worse, but that’s the one thing that would make me turn back, the one thing that will never be negotiable, the one thing, short of death, that will mean there truly is no other chance, that I could never again have anything even remotely good happen to me, that nothing could ever have any purpose anymore…
Too much to say, too few words to say it with. And it’s useless anyway, isn’t it? When I met her, for the first time, I truly felt alive… And then my life ended when she left. Don’t be fooled, I’m not alive now, just not dead… I’ll stop here because there’s no point to this. Just a pointless mind dump, and too much effort required for it to make even the little sense that it does make.

As for what I’m feeling emotionally, that should be obvious. But I’ll put it down in writing anyway. That’s why I’m writing this after all, isn’t it? Just to have everything written somewhere…
Love her and always will, nothing could ever change that. I’d try anything, do anything, give anything if I knew it would brings us together again, excepting the one situation that I mentioned above. Nothing will ever change that either.
But, as things are, all I feel is pain and suffering… And regret, so much regret, both for what I did and for what I didn’t do… And I feel that I’m at rock bottom, that things are as bad as they can get, but know that they’ll get worse soon, because they always do…
I feel empty. No hope, no purpose, nothing to live for, nothing to fight for… Yet there are a couple of people that I care deeply about, which makes it even worse because I couldn’t do anything to really help them when they’d need my help… And because of mental links…
Nothing else to say, losing the one you love so much leaves behind nothing but pain, forever stripping you of anything and everything else…

And here I am, at the end. This was last part of this series of posts. There was no point to this… There still isn’t… Just putting things in writing, wearing my heart on my sleeve… I know it’s too long and doesn’t make much sense and I don’t care. It’s not written for you, but for myself…
Yes, there was a point in posting this last part today. Neither of us could ever remember the exact day when she sent me that first e-mail and we started talking, but we narrowed it down to something between May 10th and May 12th. Today is May 9th and I wanted to finish this before that day, in case it was the 10th…

I need somebody to hug tightly and hope I’ll be able to cry my eyes out when I do that… No, of course that’s not what I want, and it’s not like it could solve anything, but I just had to say it, because it’s probably the best that I could ever honestly hope for…
I find myself thinking that all of this is just a nightmare that I’ll wake up from at some point… And then realize that the moments when that seems to be the case are, in fact, the dreams, and that I keep waking up from those, unfortunately. Yet, there can be dreams in a nightmare…