Cav's Place

I will now move away from my previous post, telling about how other people have affected me during this time. Naturally, I’ll start with her, what happened before she left again, then move on to the rest. If I’ll forget anybody, I’m sorry.

First thing I did after entering my room was ask dad for his cell phone and text her, Jen and Elena G. to let them know that, unfortunately, I arrived here still alive.
After that, the main goal became to talk to her again, find out as much as possible, get involved. Considering the problems I was having with my Internet access at the moment, that wasn’t easy, but I wrote what I meant to tell her in a file and planned to send it all when I will be able to. Of course, what I wrote there was far more direct than what I would have been able to actually tell her. And yes, I did send it eventually…
We did exchange a few e-mails even before I could finally get on-line from my computer, though. I’d log on theirs, which was spread on the floor, and try to get on-line. When I was lucky enough for the connection to work, I would try to send her a little something, mainly just to keep a conversation alive. But the replies were disheartening, to say the least, as she only seemed inclined to talk about books and the cats. Did get a few superficial bits of information about their plans for the future together, but nothing more than that.
Then I sent her that file. It was 20 pages long and I asked her not to respond to things that anger her, or to those that she just means to refuse. I got an 8-line reply, which wasn’t touching on any of the major points. That’s a lot of anger and refusals…
After that moment, she became even more distant, despite saying that we can talk and be friends again, before kicking me out of there. She wouldn’t say anything by herself anymore and would usually snap at me if I asked anything. Said she was too busy to talk. Also said that she can’t talk about personal things with me anymore since she only discusses such things with her boyfriend and I’m not him anymore, but also that she doesn’t feel like small talk. So she said we’ll talk, but won’t tell important things and didn’t feel like making small talk either. That makes no sense to me, but what do I know, right?
I couldn’t handle that for too long, so, once again, I was the one ending contact. Just like the previous time I did it, and just like almost any other decision I had to make after she left, it was just choosing between awful and dreadful. Extremely hard to do this, but even harder not to. Everything she said, or, actually, didn’t say, was like a dagger through my heart… One that wouldn’t kill me, but just cause tremendous pain…

I mentioned books earlier. There could be a lot to say if I were to fully explain this, but I won’t. I won’t because then I’d be talking about one of her dreams, which she shattered all by herself, and I’m afraid I couldn’t do that without saying things that I really don’t want to end up saying about her… And because it hurts. She sold a dream (the library) for another (being with him), which says a lot about what she feels for him. I can only wonder where did I go so wrong…
Anyway, I did get some books from her. She said I can keep them, I said I’ll just read them and then make them available again so she can sell them… I gave her the information she asked about them and offered to help in any way I can. When she was talking about placing small ads in newspapers, I asked dad if we could help out and he agreed to place some for her as soon as I give him the text to send. So I was waiting for her to send it to me, but she never did.
Technically, I kept my word. Not sure how clear that came out back then, as I was only asked for one book out of all I have from her, but I was ready to give back everything I read if she asked for it. But I said that’s only technically, because I stopped reading after she left again. Since I never read a book twice, anything I read would become “used up”, one more connection to her lost. So I just stopped reading at that point. Still willing to give away all those that I already read, of course, I said I will once I read them and I never break my word, but I’m holding on to the rest.
Or holding on to most of them, apparently… Just after the event that made me think of signs, I hear that somebody is interested in one of the series I had, one that I didn’t read. But what will happen is actually an exchange, as he already has it, but wants this edition instead. I already knew I might need to give this one away actually, the only one that was already on a wishlist, so this is why I accepted. Of course, the book itself has no personal value for me if it’s not this specific book, which means I’ll have no reason not to read it once the exchange will take place.
Yes, I’ll lose one more connection, but it was one I was expecting to lose. And I’ll tell you something else. When I decided to start going on walks, the last idea that I crossed out of that mental list was to start reading again. That would have been a leap of faith, relying heavily on the idea that it really was a sign and not just a coincidence. After all, I would be using up connections, so I needed something to happen before I used them all up. I actually thought a lot about this, but didn’t know how much of a leap of faith I should be taking, as in start with a single book or a series, and how big should it be, trying to figure out how much am I willing to give up in hopes of something happening. I guess somebody told me what I should give up, and it was exactly what I already knew I might lose, so the “price” was the smallest one possible…
But I actually started reading something last night, after all this time. And it’s in Romanian, after many years of reading only in English. Just a little book she took from here once and then sent back in that box. Don’t care about it, it’s not actually from her, and my eyes couldn’t handle the computer anymore last night, so I said why not?
What box? Oh, at some point she sent me a box with some things I had forgotten at her place, plus some more books. It also included plenty of things that weren’t mine. For example, apparently included every CD in the house that she didn’t record herself, except those that actually were mine and I had forgotten when I was kicked out. Would be funny if I could laugh about it…

Another thing she promised me before I was kicked out of there was that we’ll meet one more time before she’ll leave, when she’ll come here for her visa. I had no idea what I wanted to do or say at that time, it was just one more chance to see her and wasn’t about to pass it up! But, after a while, she changed her mind. Said she will only be here for a day and she’ll be busy, so won’t have time for me, maybe just five minutes while on the run, at most.
That certainly ruined my hopes. I needed her to come here if I were to manage to say anything at all, and would have needed time even then. Meeting in a public place and only for a few minutes would have meant that I’d have just stared at her, certainly no chance of saying as much as one coherent phrase. But I thought I’d at least see her one more time, better than nothing.
Then that changed once again. Change of plans on their side, with him coming here instead of waiting for her to get back. That made her say she won’t meet me unless he’d be with her at the time. Lovely, as if it wasn’t already certain that I wouldn’t be able to say anything, now she was just making doubly certain of it. Either that or one of them (or both) saw me as a threat, which would really hurt. Not that they’d have been the first ones thinking I could hurt her, apparently her mom did too right at the end, before kicking me out. Just shows how little people seem to know me I guess. I simply can’t wrap my mind around how could anybody think that about me… Or maybe he was jealous, or her afraid I could change her mind, which only spells trouble for the future. It’s not like I could have changed her mind in a few minutes if it wouldn’t have been changed already, and it’s not like I would ever try to make her leave him… I can’t know what the reasons were, but it hurt terribly. Even more so that she didn’t tell it to me herself, but I heard about her change of heart from somebody else.
But that wasn’t an issue either, since we didn’t meet at all in the end. Time passed, they left together once again, this time for good, from what I know, and that was that…

Another thing I had to find out about from someone else was their wedding. The original plan was for her to get back to England by herself and then they’d get married there. But that changed and he came here, they got married and then left back together. It does make sense, it was far easier for her to get her papers in order if she’d be already married to him before leaving, plus that it was cheaper to have it done here, but it still hurt because I wasn’t told about the change of plans.
I actually didn’t think it was going to hit me so hard. I mean, I knew it was coming… And I was simply numb the night I found out, actually thought I could pull through it. But by morning I was a complete wreck, more so than usual I mean.
I sent them an e-mail then, just well wishing and maybe a little advice. Asked for them not to reply and they didn’t, though I don’t think any of them would have even if I wouldn’t have asked. Honestly wish them all the best, hope everything is going well and that they are and will keep being happy together… I just wish it wouldn’t require such suffering from me, just wish that we could all be happy. Yeah, I need to write another entry on my idea of relationships involving more than two people…

And that was it. I just know when they left and that’s it, nothing else after that. Have moments when I really worry, think something bad might have happened… I don’t know, it’s just too hard… Yes, of course I’ll always hope to have another chance, but if I could have been at least that best friend that has all the “inside info”… I could do my best to focus on that and have less time for my mind to drift to my current situation…
The interesting thing was that the RAM module that failed, failed on the day she left. Talk about coincidences… Or not, my computer usually behaves oddly when I’m in an especially bad mood. Nothing surprising. After all, it’s an electronic device and the human brain and nervous system send electrical impulses. When those reach particularly intense levels, it makes perfect sense for them to interfere with any equipment that’s close by. But that caused me to lose something else. Her user account, when I had to reinstall Windows because at first I thought it was because of it and I was too out of it to realize I can’t repair it from my install disk, as that doesn’t have the service packs included. No way to regain that, since it was important just because it was created by her.

Oh, yah, I also tried writing down all my memories from when we were still together. Only got as far as the first two periods we spent together, early on when we were living 400 km apart, then it became harder to do it than not to… It’s like, if I’m writing it down, I’m putting it in the past, and for me it’s not in the past. I’m still with her, just that she’s no longer with me, if that makes any sense for anybody. I’m constantly afraid of forgetting anything, because memories are truly all I really have, the items that I connect to her being able to lose their significance in certain conditions, or they could be taken away from me entirely. I’m lucky to have an excellent long-term memory, but even so, any memory of her that I forget, as small as it may be, would be a tragedy, so I really wish I could write it all down. But I won’t be able to do that until I could find a way to do it without thinking that I’ll put it in the past by doing so.
I guess I’ll only add that I spent a lot of time in bed initially, and didn’t eat for three days after each thing that she did that hurt even more than the general situation, and stop here. I feel sorry for anybody who can even just imagine how hard it’s been to write this, and how I feel right now. But, speaking of such people, I believe I need to mention some of those that touched my life since I ended up back here. For the sake of honesty, I have to say I’ll put the most important ones at the end. Hope nobody will take offense at me saying this.

I want to tell the members of Snowden’s Den that I’m sorry. I knew I didn’t fit in, but wasn’t ready to be part of a group even if I did. Actually, I know I’ll never manage to be part of a group again. So, after a certain moment, I just looked for a reason to leave.
Next, I want to thank everybody from The Witches’ Voice that tolerated my incisiveness. I rarely wrote a message to anybody from that site unless I disagreed with an article they wrote, so the resulting conversations were interesting, despite usually ending after a couple of e-mails. On this note, a special thanks to Rhaine and Andrea, who put up with me for a bit longer than that.
But, as far as groups are concerned, the biggest thanks has to go to the people who make up Clan SpiritWalk on Materia Magica, and even more so to Niky in particular. The bonds within that clan are unbelievable, I’m certain very few other groups formed around games have anything near that. The way most members know and care about each other, trying to help both in-game and in personal problems, truly makes it far more than a game and is the reason I didn’t stop playing entirely. Thank you for putting up with me and I’m sorry that I’m not on much as of about six months ago. Just can’t deal with people at all anymore, but I won’t give up on you completely just because I can’t deal with everyone else…

Next, wish Rose good luck on her exams once again. Thanks for replying, and for caring enough to ask, despite saying all the wrong things afterwards.
Good luck to Elena G. on her exams as well. Thanks for caring and for the few replies that you did send during this time, knowing how busy you are. Hope everything will work out fine for you in the end.

I don’t even know what to say about Liz… Sent her an e-mail because something she wrote on The Witches’ Voice annoyed me and, at some point, what started as just an intellectually stimulating conversation turned into a solid friendship. Liz is the only person I got really close to after she left. I have no idea how that happened, especially since I was, and still am, determined not to let new people that close to me for myself, but only if they need my help on their problems.
But it did happen and I’m happy for it. She probably took more whining and bitching from me than anybody else, yet complained less than anybody else. She says that’s because she whines even more, but I highly doubt it. I really don’t know what I would have done without her friendship during this time. I mean, if I’m in such a poor shape with it, I can’t even imagine how much worse it would have been otherwise.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did and still do, and I’m sorry for everything I’m putting you through. Hope you’ll soon find what you want, get it and hold on to it.

Hope I won’t offend anybody when I say that I left Jen last because she’s the most important. Being the only person that I was close to before she left that I’m still close to now, I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise that I say this about her.
I know I’ve put you through Hell all this time. I know I’ve said things that hurt. To be honest, I’m sorry about some but still feel that others were fully justified. I even cut contact with you for a while, but you let me back when I wanted to get back. I know I’m hard to get along with…
Thank you for putting up with me all this time and thank you for the way you go about doing that. Thank you for seeing me that first time and for suggesting we go for a walk the second time, when I just thought I’d give you that book and that’d be it, it meant a lot. Thank you for opening up as much as you did, when you did, and for not reacting badly when I’d say things that I shouldn’t be saying.
Way more to say than I can find words for. Just… Thank you for being here. I hope everything will work out well for you. Also hope we’ll get even closer as time passes (for anybody about to misread this, I mean only as friends!), so maybe, someday, I’ll be able to make up for part of all of this.

No, I don’t expect anybody to read this far. Those that it’s for, or about, already know. Plus that, saying again, I’m mainly writing these things for myself and posting here because I have nothing to hide…