Cav's Place

Picking up once again from where I left off, I will now move on to how I’ve been living since I was thrown back here. Just the facts, not how I’m feeling, that will come in the last part.
And if these things seem crazy to you, I’ll have to say again that I wish I were far crazier… I’d be happy in my own dream world, thinking she’s still with me. Or, at the very least, actually think I’m talking to her when I’m talking to the teddy bear as if it were her, instead of feeling rather silly for doing it.

Not much to say about the drive back here, just that I babbled the entire way so dad wouldn’t have a chance to say anything that would make it even worse. Then we arrived and I went up. Open the door, go in, see the creature, curse, turn around, go back out, down the stairs and to the back door of the building. Sat there for about 20 minutes talking to a cat that came up to the door. I even knew that cat. But he left eventually, then dad came by to try once again to make be go back up, so I did.
Went into my room, which had been turned into their “office”, and just looked around in a daze, wondering why am I still alive. If anybody has the answer to that, by the way, please let me know, because I’m yet to figure it out. There were piles of papers, books about economics, plush toys and religious items everywhere. Their computer had bad settings, not to mention that everything was in Romanian, and the Internet connection was poor. There wasn’t even a carpet on the floor, since they didn’t bother to put it back after they were flooded months before. The carpet situation wasn’t fixed until autumn, actually. There was something set on the floor for a while after the windows were replaced, before the actual carpet was finally brought in, but that was even filthier than the floor itself. Either way, I saw the teddy bear from her, picked it up, threw away the cross they put around it’s neck and just held on to it for dear life.

Just to point out how hard it is to write these things, the above two paragraphs took me an hour and a half… And the first two were written last night… Yet it’s harder not to. Guess I could sum up the story since I got here into one phrase: Choosing between awful and dreadful…

The first issue I had to address was Internet access. Not only was the service very poor in itself, but it wouldn’t work at all on my computer, which I brought back with me, so I had to keep theirs around for a while to get on-line. Mine simply wouldn’t receive any data, and my assumption was that some router or firewall along the line was blocking it, since it was different from what it was expecting to see on that account, but they said that can’t be it. Somebody came over to see what’s going on and I didn’t stick around, being as shy as I am. Of course he didn’t solve anything, but he uninstalled (uninstalled, mind you, not just disabled) my antivirus, saying that might be causing it. Since it didn’t solve the problem, it was obvious that wasn’t causing it, but just left me needing to reinstall it. Next, I actually had dad take the computer to them, since their servers were just around the corner, and plug it in right into the server to prove that there’s no problem on my end. As expected, it did work, but it didn’t convince them. Next, they had somebody come over, and I was angry enough to be able to stay with him so nothing else will get broken this time around. After a couple of hours, he had to admit he has no idea what’s going on. Also admitted that my idea of it being blocked is the only logical one left, but that there’s nothing along the line that could be doing it.
So I moved on to the next step, looking for another provider. Just when I thought I found one (OpenNetwork), a flier advertising another (TitanNet) arrived in the mail, so I sent the e-mail I meant to send to OpenNetwork to both. Knowing me, it was a long mail, asking pretty much everything that could be asked and explaining a lot of things. Guess I shouldn’t have bothered, because I got no reply from TitanNet. Somebody from OpenNetwork did reply, though, albeit in a rather snappish manner. I sent a rather angry reply back and got a simiar one in return. But, still looking like the best option, that’s where I ended up…
Where I ended up for a while at least. They started having reliability problems after about a month, even having three days with no service at one point. Were complaining of sabotage and I’m inclined to believe them. Apparently they decided it’s not worth it at some point, and were bought for a pittance. The buyers? TitanNet… So I ended up with them despite choosing against them initially. Have to admit that, after running slowly for the first week or so, the service has been pretty nice since the switch.

Moving on, dad was very annoying in asking me to eat with him every evening. I told him I won’t be eating with anybody, but apparently he didn’t think I meant it. Initially the creature seemed to sit in her room while we ate, though the very idea of her being around was making me edgy, but then she started walking by the kitchen. And what’s worse is that the kitchen has no door. It also has another opening in the wall, besides the door, that can’t be blocked in any way. One time she walked by three times. I snarled at the second and almost threw my fork after her the third. Either way, did go along with it for a few weeks, but then I showed him I meant it when I said I’ll only eat alone, since it can’t be with her.
Since then, excepting the days when they’re gone, I only go out to eat at night. Yes, once per day. I chose 2 AM initially because the creature was going to bed at a little past 1, so it seemed safe. Being a night owl, I had no problems with going to bed at 5, so I won’t be eating just before sleep. Actually, sometimes the problem is to go to bed at 5 and not stay up longer, so I won’t be awake and need to go to the toilet when dad wakes up.
What to have around to eat was a great debate in itself, especially since food is apparently dad’s topic of choice when just making conversation. Getting him to understand what I wanted was futile, since we speak different languages on almost any topic, including this one, but in the end I did get him to keep a supply of a couple of things, and I just have to make due with whatever’s around for the rest.
One funny moment was when he kept leaving me fries on the kitchen table at night. Told him a few times I don’t want to eat that, he said to just consider he leaves them there to have them in the morning for himself in that case, and I told him to just consider I don’t want other stuff on the table when I’m supposed to be eating alone, and that he’ll find them in the trash if I see any put there again. Of course I really meant it. That changed his mind…
Also on this topic, I quickly figured out what to do to have something to drink as well. I started making tea each night, put it in a water bottle and kept it in my room. I’d sure like to pick the plants to make it with, but since that’d require talking to dad each time, I just got him to keep a supply of various kinds of fruit tea and use that.
And a final thing here, I got used to always having stuff nearby that I could munch on. Ok, not since she left, but before that. And knowing that such things were there, usually thrown together in a bag, next to the computer, made me not be interested in them. But now, knowing there are none around, I always wanted to munch on something. There is also the fact that I got used to eating a little bit at a time, 4-5 times per day, especially since she left. Now I’m down to one meal and that’s nagging, even though I sometimes eat more in that one meal than I did in a whole day before getting here. But good luck explaining that to him.
Apparently, “munchies” are almost exclusively sweet things in his mind. And since I couldn’t help myself and jumped on any such things when I saw them, this had some pretty weird effects. With me used to eat very little sweets for quite some time before getting back here, my body didn’t quite know how to handle all the sugar. Took a few bad panic attacks to make me research their possible cause and see that sugar highs is a possibility. There were a couple of months when I cut back, but the thing is that I don’t think I’m eating less sweets now than I did before that pause, just that my body adjusted to them and they no longer cause such problems. Adjusted a little too much actually, started to crave them if there are none around for a couple of days, and craving any kind of food is really weird for me. Hate this, hate having no control over anything, turning me into whatever it is they are… Oh, and also noticed two new cavities since I got here, not that it’s unexpected.

As I said before, the creature is at home pretty much all the time, except when they’re both gone somewhere (like these days, thankfully). That said, I try to get out of this room as little as possible, won’t risk bumping into her! Just once or twice per day, to go to the bathroom. I don’t drink anything during the day, so I won’t need to go more often. I just drink what I have in my room between 1 and 2 AM, knowing I’ll be able to go afterwards.
When I need to go to the bathroom a second time during a day, I take the opportunity to also shower or shave. I did try to shower at night initially, but I kept getting nagged that they’re trying to sleep and it’s bothering them. I’d say it couldn’t be bothering both of them, since dad sleeps in the living room, at the other end of the hallway from the bathroom… But there was also the problem of water taking 20 minutes to warm up when I tried to shower at night, just another of the little “joys” of the city heating grid, so I turned to this method after a while. Don’t take baths since I got here anymore, not about to sit in the same tub they’re sitting in! Heck, they don’t even bother to rinse it after bathing, or at least dad doesn’t…
And even going out at night became a problem since apparently the creature decided to stay up longer, starting just a few months after I got here. After that moment, she goes to bed at a little past 3 AM, meaning she’s awake while I’m eating. Dad did convince her to close the door to her room at least, but it’s still annoying! Even more so when she doesn’t close the door… Happens very rarely now, but initially it was quite frequent. I’d open the door to my room, see hers open too, curse, get back in my room, slam the door and wait till at least 2:15, usually 2:30, before trying to go out again. But the worst is that dad started staying up nights to work as of a few months ago. He’ll be in the living room, door ajar, and I’ll be on full alert… Certainly not a good state of mind to be in while eating, as if it wasn’t enough that it’s just one meal per day and at night…

And then there are the moments when they leave. They tend to do that about once per week, from noon till evening, going to the creature’s parents. Plus leaving for a few days now and then, usually when he’s on a business trip and takes her there for the time being before leaving himself.
For the first few months I wasn’t even doing much during such days. Sometimes acted as if they weren’t even gone, just going out of my room to go to the bathroom. Of course, during that time I wasn’t getting out of bed much either. Then I started making full use of them, eating, cleaning my room, showering, walking around the house, and it seemed enough. Now, as of a few months ago, I just can’t stand the idea of their presence at all anymore. It’s a constant mental scream of “Go away!” on my part and enough anger to kill at the slightest noise heard from them… Their continued presence might just drive me to insanity. Unfortunately, I doubt it will drive me to the kind of insanity I’m looking for…

As for communication, mostly by e-mail. Just with dad, of course. Had a lot of problems with him initially, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea of e-mailing somebody who’s in the same house. After seeing how vicious I can be, he said it’s probably better this way, because he couldn’t reply to such things face to face. I say that, if it were face to face, I’d have jumped at his throat sooner.
Yes, that did happen once. He wanted to put back in my room all sorts of old books that I got out of here when I threw out everything unrelated to her. I said no, he didn’t get it, asked again, I said no again, then just said he will. I said I won’t let him and he just came in with them. I picked them up, gave them back to him then threw him out along with them. He got angry, said he won’t do anything I ask from then on either, then went to the living room and wrote me an e-mail about it. And when I saw it I really lost it, ran out of here and right at him. Unfortunately, he’s about twice my weight, and a bit taller too, plus that I was too angry to aim my blows and was tiring myself with the stream of insults as well, so that certainly didn’t lead anywhere except to bruises on my arms, where he held me after he managed to grab on.
I’m quite sure I’m going to do that again, and probably sooner rather than later, really can’t handle them around at all anymore! But I couldn’t say exactly when, whenever something will happen to destroy even the shred of control I have left. And that something might not even come from them. For example, somebody has been drilling and hammering here in the building for the past few days. Starts around 4 or 5 PM and keeps at it for about four hours. Should have heard the stream of insults coming from me when he started again today, right after I kicked the desk. Then, after he was at it for about two hours, I simply broke down. Anger was going away, was becoming just desperate, couldn’t cry, as usual… Heck, could hardly breathe… I’m guessing that’s what you call a nervous breakdown. Been having them on a nearly daily basis for months now. I just need to get the fuck out of here! But there’s nowhere for me to go… And I couldn’t handle it even if there were…
Anyway, back to communication… I put dad on ignore a while back, but he didn’t believe me so he’s still sending e-mails. I know that because I took him off now, before they left, in case he has something urgent to say, and I got two… And when he leaves he keeps calling, hate that. Hate talking on the phone in general, actually. Plus that the phone is causing problems, keeps turning off a few seconds into the conversation or misses calls entirely. Of course I won’t replace it, she gave it to me! Besides, I don’t want to talk on the phone in the first place…
Quite annoying when I have to say something though. I’m waiting till the last moment, seeing what I can do without so I won’t say at all… Actually, I’d do without pretty much anything if I’d need to talk to dad about getting it. Good thing he did start to remember the more important things…
What angers me are the moments when I’m just here with dad. Business trips cause that, since sometimes he either drives the creature to her parents the night before leaving or gets her back the day after getting back. I can’t just stay in my room knowing that the main reason I’m not going out of it the rest of the time, namely the creature, is not here, but really don’t want to bump into him either. So I end up spending a lot of time actually around him, and babbling insanely so I won’t actually realize who’s around until I get back in my room, at which point I get really angry at myself for doing it…

I did start going out for a walk once per week since the moment I wrote about before… How much it is because I want to change something and how much simply because it’s becoming even less tolerable to stay here than to be out, I couldn’t say. I really dread going past the creature in order to get out, though…

Oh, doing the dishes is sort of my job. I was at least rinsing what I was about to use for dinner anyway, knowing what they idea of “washed” is, and found myself washing whatever else they left in the sink as well, so it got to be a routine. I don’t mind, was actually missing it, if you can believe that, since it ended up being sort of my job when I was living in Iasi too… What I do mind is when I find a note on the kitchen table asking me to wash the dishes, usually when there is a large pile of them left. Odd, I thought I usually did…
As for their idea of “washed” that I mentioned… Well, I guess it’s dad’s idea mainly. Let’s just say I usually find cutlery with stuff stuck on it, or greasy plates… Or even plates with breadcrumbs or coffee on the bottom, showing that nobody even bothered with washing them. Did ask dad what was with those when I found some like that once and he said “Oh, sorry, I only used them to cover the teapot and then to set the lemon and spoon on while I was fixing it. Thought they were clean so I just put them back.” You used them, they’re not clean, heck, they have breadcrumbs on the bottom and one is greasy! Oh, plus the moment, early on, when I was eating with him, when he cut something with a knife, licked it, then set it in front of me. I nearly threw up…
Not to mention all the burping I keep hearing, and that he doesn’t close the door completely when he’s in the bathroom, regardless of what he’s doing in there. Says it’s so Miki will be able to get to her water if she’s thirsty (and also to her litter box initially, when it was there). No, not grossed out, I certainly wouldn’t mind that from a person I feel close to, but from them… It just angers me!

Another thing is that I keep getting asked to be quiet when I go to eat at night, because they need to sleep. For one, the creature is not sleeping then, so there’s no “they”. Secondly, I’m sure less noise would spread if I could just close the kitchen! But no, they won’t do that. Thirdly, it’s as weird for me to sleep at 2 AM as it is for him to sleep at 10 AM. Why can he make noise when he wakes up, or talk (shout) to the creature while being at opposite ends of the house, when I want to sleep and I can’t when he does? At least I’m trying to be quiet, not turning the TV on loud and shouting! What noise I do make I can’t prevent…
Oh, and speaking of closing, I still don’t have a key to my room. Always been an issue between me and them, and even pointed a knife at them over it shortly before moving in with Andra (there, I’ve said her name again, now watch me freeze). They never let me be able to lock my door, and they won’t now either…

And I keep being told how much they care about me. No shit? Why did you take me out of there then? There are only two things you can do for me: Get her back to me or kill me. And, since the first one is impossible, I’d prefer a more direct approach to the second, since I obviously couldn’t do it myself. Not that what they’re doing now won’t eventually lead there too, but it’s the long, hard way… Also keep getting told about how stressful it is to “hide around the house from each other”. No shit, you think so? I’m the one who’s not getting out of his room because of them, not the other way around!
Probably a lot more to say, a lot more arguments to talk about, a lot more anger, a lot more stress… But I’ll leave it as it is for now, long enough…
As I said before, if it seems crazy, I wish I’d be far crazier… And, quite frankly, I don’t care what anybody thinks, I wrote this for myself and put it out here simply because I have nothing to hide.