Cav's Place

I believe I can now safely say that my expectations were met, as in she completely ignored my request and left it at that. So I should probably calm down regarding this issue right about now… But not about anything else, since this leaves me with the same worries and uncertainties, the same mood and the same problems.
Sure, if she’d have somehow accepted it I’d be replacing “ignored” with “terrified” up there in the title and the rest of this post likely wouldn’t exist because I wouldn’t be able to think of anything else. But at least it would have been a change and, assuming she’d have actually said something as well and I wouldn’t have died of shock right away, I’d have seen later if it’d have been for better or worse.

As it is, I get to spend my time realizing just how lonely I am and being angry at the woman living below me who decided that the “weeds” behind the building need to go, so took it upon herself to rip out nearly everything that was more than a few centimeters high. I’m not sure if she’s also the one responsible for a similar “operation” that took place behind the fence that’s behind the building, but the effects are certainly very similar.
It used to be a pretty nice place in front of my window. Granted, the one I live in seems to be the only column of apartments in this entire group of buildings that doesn’t have a tree in front, but even so it was pretty nice to see a whole lot of green. I’m not talking about the little flower garden this woman set up in front of her windows, but just about the wild growth that was beyond it, around and especially behind that fence. Yet somebody decided it had to go, so a while ago I woke up one day to see pretty much all the trees and bushes that were behind the fence simply gone. Then nothing more happened until recently, when two people came and in two days tore out pretty much everything else that was left behind that fence, usually things that had grown right on it, turning it into something that looked somewhat like a hedge. They even pulled on little trees until they simply ripped away the crown and left the stump there! And then they piled everything up and walked away. But that apparently wasn’t enough and now, in two other days, this woman did something similar on this side of the fence, ripping away everything that was left growing on or around it and saying she’s just getting rid of weeds. At least she took them away instead of leaving them in a pile, but that doesn’t count for much…
Well, those “weeds” turned this atrocious barbed wire fence into something I didn’t mind seeing whenever I looked out the window, kept some of the dust from being blown in here by the wind, kept moisture in the ground a little longer, provided some additional oxygen and even cooled the air a little during summer. But I guess that to some people a barbed wire fence, a huge pile of dead vegetation and whatever that ugly thing is between these buildings is a far better view than some pretty big and green wild plants. And of course that says nothing about the other benefits those “weeds” were bringing, which nobody seems to care for.

Now that I let that out… I’m getting back to being really lonely. Nobody around that I’d actually want to spend any time with and apparently people aren’t even logging on Yahoo! Messenger much anymore, so there’s nobody to even chat with even if I stay logged on for several hours per day, just in case someone would eventually come on. It’s a very “nobody would even hear you scream” feeling…
Even the few people I was talking to now and then are too busy with “real life”, whether that involves things they choose to do or, most often, things they somehow end up having to do. So I must once again say that I’d really like to bump into someone who’s in a similar situation, with no “real life” to speak of, that I’d really get along with, and preferably could also actually spend time with. (All right, so Liz may partially fit the “no life” part of that description, but that’s not what I’m talking about…)
So… Anyone who spends a lot of time thinking, dreaming and living in her own world, reckons she’d get along well with me and has a whole lot of free time available, which would imply, among other things, no school or work and no more than a small number of friends, please raise your hand. Though, of course, the “get along well with me” part already means I’m addressing a very small and perhaps even nonexistent subset of humanity, and that’s only made worse by me further limiting it to females mainly aged 20 to 30, though being a couple of years outside of this age range could also sometimes work without me feeling too weird. But I wouldn’t feel at all comfortable around anyone else…

As it is, I’ll keep worrying, being lonely and occasionally angry… And see if I can use all this time to actually get some work done towards that utterly insane idea that started developing in my mind after a dream I had last year. But that seems highly unlikely, as I don’t have even a small fraction of the skill, the determination or the confidence required to do anything like that, and the sheer scale of the idea would likely be daunting even for a skilled and determined person anyway.

You know, I wanted to end this post there, but I realized I have more to say… This may well be just because I no longer think there’s a chance she may respond to that request, but I was thinking there might just have been a chance for me to be able to talk to her, at least for a while, assuming she’d have put my worst fears to rest quickly and she’d have been at least reasonably open. In part, that’s because my mind is so often occupied with that insane idea lately and therefore I have a slight “shield” that I can get some limited use out of when a problem arises, but mainly it’s because right now I miss what I had with Elena P. more than what I had with Andra.
Being able to just sit down on a park bench, or perhaps cuddle on the bed or couch when she came over, and talk for three or four hours without ever getting bored, without ever running out of topics, rarely disagreeing and never getting upset even when we did disagree, easily weaving in and out of very intimate and very important stories, problems, thoughts, dreams and desires, feeling disappointed when we eventually had to say goodbye because there were still so many things we meant to talk about… I still don’t know, and probably will never know, if it was real from her side as well, but the kind of mental connection that allows for something like that to happen, while otherwise obviously lesser than an emotional connection, is the kind of connection you need the most when you feel alone in a crowd. That’s the kind of connection that makes you think you may not be the only one to hear your screams after all.
Interestingly, Elena P. was in school, even worked for a week while we talked, and also mentioned her family pretty often. And, of course, she had her boyfriend, though he seemed to be pretty much the only other person close to her. So she obviously had a “real life” and normally I’d say that’d be a huge problem. Yet it wasn’t, and not just because she made time for me but because of how she handled those “real life” issues while talking to me. So it’s probably more about what she had in her life than about what she didn’t have.
You see, when people tell me about school, work, relatives, therapy, treatments, parties and other such things, at best I don’t really care and usually I get quite pissed. And then also feel really bad, because I’m obviously of no use to them in those conversations and because I’m obviously not a real friend if I don’t care about what they seem to care about. I ask about these things if I know that’s what their life consists of, but I’m asking because I’m interested in them, not in any of these things. What I’m looking for are their deepest thoughts, dreams, desires and problems and the intimate details of their closest personal relationships. I offer all those things whenever I think the other person could be listening to me, and sometimes even when she’s not, and desire to get them in return, as that’s what creates a bond from my point of view. So I want to know about you, not about the confines that struggle, and unfortunately nearly always succeed, to make you less you.
But that part about closest personal relationships may well be the worst problem. Quite frankly, I just know one person who seems to have something like that and even in her case, while the relationship itself would indeed be extremely interesting to discuss at length, I somehow doubt it’s quite the kind of relationship I’m talking about. And she doesn’t exactly tell me anything about it anyway. Yet talking about the intimate details of her relationship was probably the most important “ingredient” of what I had with Elena P., so the fact that the other people I’m talking to don’t have something like that, and don’t say that much about any potential past relationships either, may well be a far worse problem than the annoying things they do have in their lives. Which only means that we’re all alone and lonely… Just that we are different kinds of lonely, so we can’t even be alone together…

As always, said less than what’s on my mind but likely way more than I should have… Not that it matters much anyway. And besides, in about one hour I’ll be going to sleep and at that time all of this will be forgotten, as the one thing I always miss the most whenever I’m in bed is having her there with me, and the fact that she’s not has turned going to sleep and waking up into pure torture every single day out of these past four and a half years and will keep doing so…