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And No Carpet

Yes, I’ll just be complaining some more. It’s not like I can do or think of much else… The loneliness and feeling of doom are only getting stronger every day and I feel as if I’m already dead and just don’t know it yet. Not exactly any new reasons for that, only perhaps some additional reasons to focus on a couple of them even more. So I’m just throwing a post on here and wondering what I’ll do about the second one this week, seeing as I already said I can’t think of or do much else…
Well, Ami posted some brief reviews for some of the webcomics people recommended to her after she asked for such recommendations and, as I wasn’t doing much else anyway, I went through Flipside from start to end. And now I’m trying to work my way through Drowtales, though this isn’t working too well so far. But I did actually get a couple of ideas from Flipside and Drowtales could perhaps provide even more, assuming I’ll manage to wrap my mind around it properly. But the few times I tried to follow such things before I usually got bored and gave up, so I guess it depends on exactly how much I’m trying to find something to do that’s not any of the other things I try to keep myself together with… Not that I have any idea how or why I’m even keeping myself together as much as I currently am.
As a matter of fact, I did manage to write a little more today, after much struggle, but that won’t be getting anywhere. Not that anything I do ever will… In fact, it’s really frustrating how I’m creating these schedules for myself, serving only to force me to do things I know I can’t do right, so only adding to the frustration and hopelessness and despair. Or, perhaps more often, serving to just keep me going from one point to another of the routine instead of just crashing and curling up in a ball in a corner, with my arms wrapped around myself and rocking back and forth, going completely insane as I feel I ought to, because this isn’t manageable in any way anymore…
But I can’t even seem to get myself to do that. And one of the really frustrating reasons for it appears to be the simple fact that there’s no carpet on the floor in my room. Even though a carpet would be harder to clean and therefore likely to actually be dirtier, there’s just something that prevents me from just slumping on the floor and losing it completely like that because I think it’d be dirty. Which I guess means I didn’t lose it quite so completely yet, seeing as I’m thinking of such things. Or perhaps it means I lost it even more than I thought, if such things are on my mind…
Who the fuck knows anymore? It’s not like anyone cares… It’s not like anyone could care, apparently, as the issue obviousy is that there’s not a single person in the world that I could get along with and who would be interested in me. So all that’s left to do is sit here and complain in a mad daze… Because there’s no carpet either…

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