Cav's Place

Anyone? Please?

I guess I could add some more things to this post, though all that matters is what’s written above. Writing this in Notepad though, not directly here, because I just feel like it. All right, not only because of that… It’s also because of WordPress being annoying and creating a separate post for the autosaves when you’re editing something that you already published instead of, say, having a separate system to store those and not take up regular post numbers. Either way, you’ll also notice the lack of links. I really don’t feel like adding any of those…
There’s a smell of raspberries coming from outside. It struck me just as I meant to start writing this… Which caused me to pull that old deodorant sample out of my desk. You know, the one that smells like watermellon that came with an issue of FHM back in 2005. So now it’s really old and not much left to it, but there is actually still a bit left in it because I only used it a few times and only for this purpose, when I needed a more direct reminder. Kept it because it smelled just like a shower gel Andra really liked the smell of, to the point of no longer using it when there was just a little left and keeping the bottle in our room after that point, so she’d be able to take a whiff when she felt like it. Not that she actually did that more than a few times, but she wanted to keep it there. Can’t exactly remember why didn’t she just buy another bottle. Perhaps it was some “special edition” and she couldn’t easily find more, but I’m really not sure.
Otherwise, the same old worries and the same old reasons. Only getting worse and worse every day, whether they’re health concerns, worries about what Andra’s doing or the feeling that everyone I know or used to know is conspiring against me. I actually worked out a little plan to check out one of the more recent health concerns, as much as I could myself, and what I found was terrifying. Now I guess I’ll have to keep an eye on how it develops. What that requires is somewhat unpleasant, but at least I’m just doing things myself. Of course, I may be all wrong, as usual… So I have to move on to the other things and say that of course it’s very unlikely that everyone I’d actually want to keep in touch with is conspiring against me, but that in fact they’re just moving on with their own lives, which didn’t, don’t and never will include me, so they leave me behind, as always, because at best nobody cares about me and most likely they really want to get rid of anything that could drag them down, and I’m obviously right at the top of that list.
There is one change, however… I went from only sleeping some three hours per day to some ten hours per day… And I’m still exhausted all the time and would never wake up. But now all those things I was saying are keeping me just crawling on and on keep me from spending all day in bed. They kept me from doing that for years… I’d need that, just spending days and days in bed, holding the teddy bear and convincing myself that all this is just a nightmare that I’ll wake up from someday, as I often did for the first several months after being thrown back here. But it doesn’t seem possible anymore. Nothing seems possible anymore. Or at least nothing except things getting worse and worse, perhaps in ways I couldn’t even think of, though that may be hard to believe at times…