Cav's Place

I seem to be starting to recover from the ordeal I had to go through in order to write and send that open letter. Monday I more or less “wrote” it in my mind, but my body immediately told me that it won’t allow me to actually type it, knowing that I’d later need to send it, so I stopped at gathering the addresses I meant to send to. Still, that was bad enough on its own, resulting in at least three and a half hours of heart beating erratically. But that was only a small sample of what was yet to come, because on Tuesday I actually wrote and sent it, which resulted in at least seven hours of that, plus the expected serious and long-lasting panic attack felt in every other way as well. And then my heart seemed to be even worse on Wednesday, beating erratically for pretty much the entire day, though there was no more real reason for panic. But yesterday the problems only appeared again late in the evening, oddly enough right after exercising, though exercising tended to make it slightly better for a short while before, while today it’s been good so far. There will probably still be something later on, especially now that I mentioned it and thought about it like this, but I feared it won’t recover at all on its own after something like this.
Those fears were mainly caused by the fact that, while there had always been skipped beats, I didn’t have anything like this in some ten years, until around the end of last year when it first happened again. Panic attacks or high stress are one thing and I know how those go all too well, but these erratic heart beats and the feeling that it’ll stop beating if I stand still are quite another and hadn’t experienced it for more than a few minutes, at the very most, since I dropped out of school and that source of constant terror was removed from my life. But then it happened in December, as I said, and then once again last month, when I had dad rush me to a hospital only to be kept under observation for something like an hour and a half and told my heart’s just fine. Which meant that these days were following a pattern that signaled the return of this problem, so weren’t only panic attacks or regular reactions to stress that would go away as soon as the cause would go away. Of course, I fully expect the problem to return, perhaps with increased frequency, but the fact that I recovered at all from being in that state for so long is a good sign at least.

But enough about that. What matters is that I did my planned primary action for Global Population Speak Out this year. Doubt any of the recipients read it, or at least that any who weren’t already convinced did, but I don’t think words can accomplish anything when it comes to this issue anyway. The purpose of such actions can only be to try to encourage any others who already think the same but are afraid to speak out to follow suit, so the only hope is that perhaps the message reached one or two such people, though they’re extraordinarily rare, especially here.
On the other hand, even I am tempted to say that this and pretty much any other issue can wait a while longer right now, considering what’s going on in the Arab world. That’s the major story right now and it will likely continue to be the major story for quite some time, regardless of how it all turns out. What’s going on there truly is history in the making and the world should keep its eyes on the developments as much as possible, though right now there are so many things going on at once in so many different places that even the major news providers are struggling to keep up. Without the whole world observing and piling up the pressure, those governments are very likely to commit true atrocities instead of accepting the legitimate demands of the people, not to mention that, even if the revolutions would appear to end with the victory of the people, there’s a very high risk of them having a terrible outcome for the whole world if forces from outside those countries won’t make sure that religious fundamentalists and others who desire authoritarian regimes won’t take advantage of the situation and fill the resulting power vacuum.

But this is a personal post… For which reason I’ll stop now and jump straight to a dream I had this morning, one that once again seemed so real that it took me a while to realize it was only a dream after I woke up. It was obviously generated by the fact that I checked her Facebook profile again last night and noticed that she had listed that she’s now working in a library. As a result, my mind took that idea and ran away with it, taking me through various bookstores and libraries and even a house that was supposedly ours and had a room with bookcases covering all the walls. In the end, it took me to that bookstore that I first discovered with her and then rediscovered recently, but in the dream she was working there. At that point I’m pretty sure I woke up, but was very confused, my mind wandered for a while and at some point I fell back to sleep, the dream resuming pretty much from where it left off and having me wonder how could I get close to her until I just did. I passed behind her and she just grabbed on to my hand and squeezed it gently, at which point I woke up and was completely convinced that what I dreamed had really happened…
Can’t write more now. Meant to say one more thing, but I’m just gutted… That image is so real… Just have to say that I’m quite happy that she’s working in a library. It seems much more fitting and, quite simply, right. Especially compared to the fact that until some three years ago, when we last spoke, she had been working in a large clothing store, which was very disturbing for me.