Cav's Place

I haven’t been reading my e-mail for weeks now. Mentioned that already at some point, but this is not a post that you’ll get any links in. It’s hard enough to even use punctuation at this point. Anyway, as I said, after only checking it late at night, after eating, since October, I stopped reading completely a few weeks ago. Logged on a couple of times to delete the hundreds of messages that had gathered and read one newsletter that seemed completely safe, but no more than that.
After a while, dad apparently realized that I was serious when I said I won’t be reading anymore and he really was talking to himself if he was sending anything, so he started leaving notes for me on the kitchen table. So instead of only seeing any potential messages after eating, so I knew I’ll at least manage to eat somewhat, I ended up seeing everything just before eating, prompting me to start whimpering and say “leave me alone” out loud… But so far there was nothing bad in them, so the reaction was just due to the fact that there was any sort of communication.
That changed tonight, when the note asked me to create a new e-mail and give it only to him if I refuse to check my regular one anymore, because “we can’t live without communicating”. Who the fuck does he think I’m trying to avoid communicating with by no longer checking my e-mail if not him? Others can find me on Facebook or Yahoo! Messenger, after all, and so far that’s not a problem at all. I mean, you’d think that rushing and trying to hide myself as much as possible even when going to the bathroom for weeks, not to mention ducking and then rushing back to my room when I made my way to the kitchen a few days ago and he passed by, would tip him off! If anyone else would scare me, it’d be easy to just block them on-line and that’d be the end of it, but if he scares me, and he does, he’s here in the same apartment, so just blocking him on-line doesn’t do all that much, as this message just proves. A couple of days ago he didn’t press when I wouldn’t open my door, but now I get this!
So I was a mix of terrified and furious, not even knowing which was winning myself. Crumpled the piece of paper and threw it on the floor while saying “leave me alone” out loud once again, then did the same with some bag, though I later picked that one up. My hands instantly went numb, then I spent the rest of the time alternating between whimpering, crouching on the floor and hugging my knees, and making angry gestures at thin air. I’m sure the food went down really well under those circumstances…
Now I’m sure I’ll get all sorts of crap for that, all sorts of pressure piling up more and more when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry till I’ll pass out, then wake up to see that these past five and a half years have all been just a bad dream. But I can’t even cry, of course! And I won’t see that it was just a bad dream because it’s not just a bad dream! So there’s no solution and no way out, and I’m asking for help that can’t come because there’s nothing anyone can do. Or nothing anyone who could in any way care to do anything at all about it at some point can do. Not even telling anyone about the more specific issues this time around, haven’t been for months, because there’s no real help they could possibly offer and I couldn’t possibly take as much as a mention of the sort of “help” they may be likely to offer.
I’m too frightened of everything to take anything anymore. Or at least to risk taking anything that I’m not certain I can easily block out completely the moment it makes me feel even worse, since of course things can, and do, always get worse. They only get better in the movies, and various campaign advertisements… And him I can’t completely block because he’s right here and even if I won’t read anything, cover my ears all the time and never get out of the room again, not eating or drinking and pissing and shitting in a corner of the room when I’ll need to, he’ll barge in at some point, so can’t avoid him entirely no matter what I do! And he can say and do so many things that can affect me so much, and none of the plausible ones are likely to have any positive effects, in fact very much the contrary. But, of course, I couldn’t survive in any way if he wouldn’t handle everything either. Not that he can, since I’m not even telling him about things I really need anymore, and there are a few right now. And not moving things around the room to spray something against the mold for so long either because I’d need his help but couldn’t be in the same room with him.
And this was supposed to be just a short rant. No chance of that happening, is there? It became a pretty regular post, and being the first of the week and considering this mood and how things are likely to continue, it seems very likely that the second one will also be a personal one. So much for my hopes of putting in more non-personal ones…
Anyway, have no idea what’s happening anymore. I just know I can’t take any of it! Hear me? I can’t take it! It just needs to be a bad dream and I need to wake up from it now! I probably should have said something else as well, or perhaps shouldn’t have said something I did, or perhaps shouldn’t have said any of it. I don’t know. I just know that since then it’s been five and a half years of shit happening and feeling like nothing is or could ever be worth doing anymore, just like there have been nearly 18 years of the exact same thing before…