Cav's Place

Since this week’s second post will be about Eurovision, I can easily put in another personal one as the first. And I do have quite a few things to say, though actually writing is quite difficult right now because parents are cleaning or who knows what they’re doing and I keep hearing them outside my door, even with headphones on, so I’m sitting here all curled up…

Yes, that means I’m not feeling any better. If anything, it’s even worse. I’m more and more scared by everything, curl up and need to turn headphones way up when I hear them talk around the house, still rush and dodge when I need to go to the bathroom, fearfully poke out of my room at night to eat and jump at any noise while in the kitchen… Been in damage limitation mode all these years and really got to the point where too much damage has been done even so.
Getting more and more stressed by doing anything with others in Forsaken World as well, so can’t wait to get the last God’s Trial achievement so I’ll stop doing that too and just stick to doing my own thing, even though it’ll basically mean no longer leveling at all, because I need more and more time to unwind after it. More and more scared to say things on the forum as well, though so far I still do and just keep wincing whenever I see another reply being posted on those threads. Still rather surprised that nobody gave me crap in game as a result of disagreements on the forum so far, but it’s probably just a matter of time.

Back to my parents, at least they did leave me alone lately. I think dad actually read my previous post on this issue, though I’m not sure what he understood from it. They haven’t called me over for anything, haven’t tried to talk to me when I rushed to the bathroom and I saw no more notes on the kitchen table at night until last night. But that little note left last night was enough to send me rushing back to my room. Or to my room’s door, at least, because I stopped there and eventually made my way back and very slowly picked it up and read it next to the window, using the streetlight to try to make it out, because for some reason it felt less scary in the dark. It was just something about Micky, but still had me hug my knees on the floor and whimper for a few minutes afterwards.
The problem is that the deadline to submit some papers to donate 2% of my income taxes to an NGO of my choice is Monday. Since I guess I’m still an employee of dad’s firm, I should be doing that, and in previous years I was the one who pressed them for it even though we’re talking about a very tiny amount, maybe some 25 lei, 30 at most, but really can’t think about it enough to choose. Actually, I logged on to my e-mail a couple of days ago to delete the messages that had gathered once again and I saw a few from them, one with that form number as subject, but of course I didn’t read them. I didn’t even read that newsletter I was saying before I considered safe. Just logged on to delete things and that’s all I did. If I was shunning any “real life” issues before, now I’m running away from them as fast as I can and I don’t see how this will ever change again in the future.

Well, it could change if my situation would change drastically, but since that can’t happen… At this point I don’t think anything short of living with her again, but just the two of us alone, and everything going even better than it ever did way back then, would cut it. Even so, I’d probably need to spend the first week in bed with her, neither of us getting out for anything other than going to the bathroom, grabbing something to eat that could actually be eaten in bed and perhaps at most some 30 minutes per day spent on-line. Yes, we’d also have sex some three times per day during that week, but the rest of the time we’d just cuddle and talk… Or maybe just cuddle, so I’ll have a chance to recover at least a little bit from this.
Afterwards, somebody should knock me out and have a doctor check me out from head to toe so when I’ll wake up I’ll know exactly how I stand instead of worrying about things that just frighten me even more and being too frightened to even tell anyone, even the people who couldn’t do anything about it anyway, what it is this time. But I’m trying to not think about that too much before the cuddling part and so far it’s actually helping me feel slightly better when I manage it. Right now I just need to be held for a very long time by someone I feel close to before I’ll even be able to think of anything else… I’d probably spend a week cuddling with any person I ever felt really close to at this point, with no questions asked. It’d stop at cuddling unless she’d also be in some way involved, but even that’d be something. Not that it matters, since that means exactly four people, and I’m not even so sure about the fourth, and all of them have completely stopped talking to me.

Oddly enough, despite being so frightened of everything, I went and bought a few things on Tuesday. That was probably the mean reason why I spent all of yesterday in my pajamas and with the blinds drawn, but there you have it. Been planning it for over a month, but feeling more and more scared made it less and less likely, so I always delayed it. That resulted in me being completely out of three things I needed, almost out of two more and have a third that needed to be replaced long ago, so I decided to see what happens, seeing as asking dad for anything was out of the question. That I actually managed even more than I really meant to really surprised me, though it came at the usual price.
What was nice was that no employees stopped me to inform me of special offers or anything else of the sort anymore and, with one exception that made me wander around for a while until she finally found what she wanted and moved on, I didn’t bump into other people carefully checking out the same things I was, so there was nothing to frighten me even more while I was looking for what I wanted. And then, while looking over the cashiers, I was also able to pretty quickly spot a young woman who struck me as someone I would have relatively little difficulty approaching, so I did and everything went smoothly.
As a result, I got all I went there to get, plus a few things to munch on. In fact, though it may sound odd, I think deciding to treat myself to a Snickers bar helped being able to purchase the rest a fair amount. (The other couple of additional things I got were actually healthy though, as I spent a fair amount of time reading labels and checking out the options.) Of course my hands were still shaking like crazy when I was in front of the cashier, I had difficulty counting my money and felt the need to say something which obviously came out awkwardly even if you were to ignore what I’m sure was an idiotic grin on my face.
Still, after doing that I went straight into the Orange Shop from there without giving myself time to reconsider and recharged my prepaid card as well, since the active period expired again and I thought I might as well. Was shaking even more and also felt the need to explain myself even more, which came out even worse, but at least it was done… Spilled what was left of my money on the floor afterwards, since my hands shook too badly when I was trying to count, but picked them back up, went out in the rain and slowly started to regain my composure… At least no car hit me while I was still too out of it to pay much attention…

As for that mention of OkCupid in the title, it comes as a result of me sending a message to someone I supposedly had a 99% match with. Now huge matches aren’t that uncommon after all the changes they did, so that score has become next to irrelevant, but also had an 85% friend score and 15% enemy score with her, which sounded surprisingly good for someone I had 1558 questions in common with. In addition, the individual match scores listed, for each of the categories that questions are filed under, were also very high, with only one under 80% and a couple even above 90%, and those don’t seem to be modified as the overall score is, so they’re usually quite accurate.
Indeed, there were plenty of important things, both in her profile and in the answers I looked over, as all were public, that indicated we were very similar. But there were also some things that indicated we were very incompatible. There were no less than 422 questions, so more than a quarter of the total we had both answered, listed under “unacceptable answers”! So I looked over the most important ones and, though otherwise I sent a message commenting on parts of her profile, I charged directly towards the one crucial difference between us.
Yes, I got a reply, but it sure proved how much the matching system sucks now. She was surprised by the scores as well, considering the differences, then said she’s not the kind of person I’m looking for, quickly pointed out the important ways in which we’re similar and the biggest problems, threw a direct hit back at my opinion on the issue we disagreed about, then said she’s going to block me because our attitudes and world views are so incompatible that anything else I could send would at best prove unhelpful, and probably quite seriously damaging to her. So it may well be the first person who blocks me on there as a result of something I send, and so quickly too, yet their system said we were almost perfect matches. Really amusing.