Cav's Place

Accidentally pressed the enter key while writing this entry’s title and noticed that it saved it as a draft. At least it’s a good thing it didn’t try to publish it right away. Then again, this also allowed me to see that the bug that made it no longer automatically save every minute in previous versions once you had manually saved the draft in that particular editing session is now gone, so that’s good. Now if they could also make it delete the database entries used for drafts after you publish a post, so the next one’s number would come right after it instead of skipping, it’d be even better. Granted that it’s a minor issue, but it’s annoying.

As the title suggests, I’m writing this because I’m wondering whether I should stop struggling to just write something in order to have two posts per week and just drop to a single one or not. Don’t intend to do it just yet, in fact likely won’t do it until the end of the year even if I will decide that it’s the better option, but I’m wondering about it. I’ve been wondering about it since last year, actually, since I’ve really been struggling for a long time, which you should be able to notice by counting how many times the second post of the week was on Sunday…
Really don’t want to do this because this blog was started just so I’d get some practice at putting my thoughts into a human-readable form, plus that it’d mean failing at something I freely chose to do and that doesn’t depend on anyone else but me. But it never got any easier, in fact quite the opposite, both the amount and the general quality of my posts dropping constantly over the years, for a long time now being very hard to write anything at all. So I have already failed at it whether I’ll fully admit it by giving up on the two posts per week goal as well or not, meaning that other things need to be considered.
If I’d cut down from two posts per week to a single one, it would then be all too easy to stop writing completely. After all, most of the time I’m only writing here because I need to stick to the plan, otherwise my natural tendency being to just think about things in ways that I find extremely difficult to explain to others, at most launching into some lengthy rants when someone I already know happens to appear momentarily available for something like this. So deciding that this plan can be set aside would mean that any new one could be set aside as well and I could end up just writing on the rare occasions when I really feed a need to do so and think I could actually manage to do so reasonably well… Or just when I’ll no longer be able to hold back another personal rant along the same lines as most others…

The thing is that I am writing. I’ve been writing every day for over a year now, ever since my mind really pestered me with something so much that it became all too obvious that it’d be less difficult to try to start writing it than not to, even though we’re just talking about the marginally lesser evil. It’s going extremely slowly though, the weekly word count often barely matching that of one good blog post, and not a particularly long one at that. At this rate, it’ll take me several decades to finish it even if nothing else gets added along the way, so something really needs to change.
On the one hand, if I stop writing on here I could at least dedicate the one day per week that I currently spend struggling to write a serious non-personal post, since I very often tend to have one personal and one non-personal one, to making some more headway there instead. On the other, it won’t get any easier to write. If I stop writing on the blog because it’s too hard to keep up, I’m not exactly likely to feel any better about putting that time into writing that other thing, resulting in me likely dreading it even more, which certainly won’t help. So this is yet another reason why I should perhaps continue to struggle with two blog posts per week, even though the original plan has obviously been a failure for a long time now.

But the real problem has all too little to do with writing. Sure, I don’t have the required talent for it and nothing will ever change that, but my thoughts and ideas do get more polished with time and the practice gained from writing in some sustained manner all this time should have some positive effect, even if only a minor one. So it’s only getting worse for other reasons, which should be pretty obvious. You can’t write any better when you’re feeling worse and more and more hopeless all the time, especially not when you’re struggling to write about something other than the reason for said state of mind.
It’s been close to six fucking years! And I’ve only been feeling worse and worse as time passed, so I’ll say it’s quite an achievement that I can still put two words together under these circumstances, particularly two words that don’t concern her in some way or another! But the funny thing is that I still have idiots who give me the whole “you’ll get over her” rant, or at least say that I should… You’d think they’d have gotten the message by now, but guess not…
I said nothing has any chance of working, or actually that I have no chance of functioning again in any noticeable way, until I’d spend at least a week in bed with her, only getting up to quickly grab something to eat or go to the toilet when needed. Got all of two hugs since she left, so really need to catch up on affectionate touching in a very “intensive” manner. And yes, of course that’d include catching up on sex as well. My sexual thoughts and fantasies have been getting out of hand in a pretty worrying manner lately, to tell you the truth, but any “catching up” would need to be done in such a manner as to be especially meaningful after all this time, hence the week in bed with her and all it entails. (Yes, physical touch is very clearly my love language, so go figure.)
While I’m at needs that will never be met, of course I’d really need to have a solid relationship that’d go really well while at the same time keeping in close and personal contact with her. Since I strongly support polyamory, I guess that relationship wouldn’t necessarily have to be with her, as long as I’d at least have some sort of relationship with her at the same time. At a minimum, the relationship with her could be on-line, usually having deep discussions as close friends, detailing what we do with our respective primary partners and occasionally having a little bit of on-line fun, but also spending at least a few weeks per year together, during which we’d intensively catch up on the physical part of the relationship, and having the on-line conversations focus more on the two of us at least a little while before and after the time spent together. But something would need to happen with her and I’d need serious assurances that it will truly last this time before I’ll even think of anything else… Which obviously implies that I’m highly unlikely to think of anything else either way, since that seems even less likely to happen with her in my life, regardless of any understanding we’d have, than it does without her…
With none of that happening, I’m stuck getting worse and worse all the time and really surprised that I can still put two words together or get out of bed for any reason other than really needing to go to the bathroom. But then I realize that doing that the way I do is a sign of weakness as well and it starts making some weird sense… So I’m just left with plans and fantasies about having this need fulfilled and feeling at least content enough with the fact that I’m still alive to find any motivation to struggle to write what I’m really getting to want to write more and more and also, if at all possible, look for a way to meaningfully fight for the top causes I support, never being in the spotlight or obtaining direct personal benefits, but simply knowing that I managed to do something truly worth doing. In fact, the writing and the fighting could work quite well together, but neither will be happening without her and the relationship, so they all are and will always remain just pointless figments of my imagination…

Oh, I almost forgot: Hi again, little stalker. How’s life treating you lately? I swear, at times like these you seem to have even less of one than I do, which is quite an achievement… A very sad one, that is. But at least I gave you something to work with in this post, didn’t I?