Cav's Place

Yes, the title is a reference to a series of posts that I’d rather not link to right now, but it’s also very true. In about a day and a half, it’ll be six years since she left… But that is something to write about in the next post, not in this one. This one was supposed to be another non-personal one, seeing as I had most of the week to get around to writing a second one of those and make up for the increased number of personal ones recently. Yet, as you can see, that didn’t work out as planned. Not that it was unexpected…
A few more things related to her showing up again on Yahoo! Messenger have happened this week, so that’s what this post will be about. So far the most important developments have been last night, though there may well be even more important ones waiting for me right now if I’d just have the courage to check. But I don’t and won’t even try right now. I’d rather first write this, to make sure I have two posts up this week, then watch the race, assuming my ISP will stop having issues, and then see when will I manage to work up the courage to have another look.

The first thing that happened was that, as of this week, I started being able to actually see her on. In Messenger, I mean, not just on that page I made, so I just about shat myself even more. Whether it’s because she had it set to always be invisible to me and deleted me from her friends list, therefore also deleting the stealth settings associated with my account, or actually had me on ignore so far and took me off that list, possibly because she cleared all of it, I don’t know, but these seem to be the realistic options. Either that or a bug, but that seems highly unlikely at this point.
Of course, I couldn’t help but send a very short and surprised message at first. No reply to that and the next day I was too scared to even log on again. But the day after that, which was two days ago, I had to log on to contact some people from an on-line shop, who didn’t seem to bother to reply to my questions otherwise. While finally sorting out that issue, I obviously kept staring at her name in my list and the fact that it said she was on-line, so I just had to try again, quite directly asking her if she wouldn’t mind at least saying hi back… Still nothing, so I guess she would.
Next came a worrying development, in the form of her no longer showing up on Windows Live Messenger, where I had started logging on again after seeing her on Yahoo! Messenger. After all, I hadn’t logged on there in all these years because I knew that if I’d see her on I wouldn’t be able to sit on my fingers and all of this would happen, but now that I saw her anyway I thought I might as well, to no longer lose messages while trying to talk to Tiel. Yet, as I said, yesterday I could no longer see her there, and at night I noticed that her profile seemed completely gone, which would probably indicate that she put me on ignore. But only there?

So we come to what happened last night. I kept staring at her name, logging off and back on, getting more and more worked up and frightened, until finally deciding before going to the kitchen to eat that if she was still on by the time I got back I’ll send her a longer message. And she was still on when I got back, so I started writing… Only for her to log off very shortly afterwards, leaving me wondering whether I shouldn’t just give up and try another time. But that would have only been worse, so I kept at it and sent her the messages anyway… Now I guess I can only hope that they won’t serve only to remind her to ignore me there too.
The state I was in while trying to work up the courage to send those messages was very similar to the one I was in some four years ago, when we last talked. Not just feeling sick and needing to rush to the bathroom three times per day so I won’t shit in my pants when seeing her on, which was the rule for the past couple of days as well, but shaking incontrollably, nauseous, dizzy, sweaty but freezing at the same time, arms and legs numb, heart beating erratically… And all of this despite the lack of any reaction from her so far, so imagine what would happen if there would be one… Especially considering my worst fear…

Now the rule would be for my computer to fail in some way as well, since that’s what happens when I’m in such a state, so I want to first make sure that all my data is safe and then try to see, after the race, if I can work up the courage to log on again and see what happened. If I’ll somehow see a reply, I’ll need to work up a whole lot more courage to actually read it. But that’s probably hardly a likely scenario, a more probable one being that I won’t see her on again because she put me on ignore… Still, fake hope was what made me keep getting out of bed for six years, so it can help me log on as well, and then I guess I’ll go from there… Somehow…
At least there was one thing she did last night that I’m incredibly grateful for, though I’m obviously sure that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me: She changed her regular profile image with an actual picture of herself. If all else fails, at least I can say that I saw her again, after six years, even if it was just such a tiny picture and I have no way of even knowing when it was taken…