Kept planning to write one of those “25 things” posts, but since I just turned 27 today I decided to go for 27 things instead. You probably won’t find anything new here if you’ve known me for a while, but it’d be pretty weird if you did. So let’s get to it, shall we?
1. Overpopulation is my main concern and it’s a worldwide problem, so no country can say that only others have to be concerned with this issue, regardless of said country’s current fertility rates, and no person can say that they have any right to breed under the current circumstances. Sure, if you had children over ten years ago I’ll frown but accept that things weren’t so well known then and let it be, only stating that I couldn’t possibly enter a romantic relationship with you, but I consider having children these days as the worst crime possible and I’ll treat anyone committing it accordingly! This is the one thing that is not and never will be negotiable with me under any circumstances! Same goes for adoption, since knowing that the possibility exists may make some more likely to have kids even if they don’t intend to raise them, therefore only aggravating the problem. No, the children themselves are not to blame in any way and they certainly deserve to be raised in the best possible conditions, but knowing what they represent means that I could never physically be around any for any noticeable length of time. As such, my first concern is to make sure that I’ll never be in that situation, selecting the people I have any sort of personal contact with accordingly.
2. It may seem that I have none, but in fact I’m quite aware of my own reproductive instinct. It’s not just that, at some point in my teens, I wanted to have three children, but that I’m still very much aware that such a perceived need still exists at some instinctive level. In fact, alongside a strong mind, I think that such awareness is necessary to ensure that such instinctive urges will never be acted on. And yes, I firmly believe that anyone who can’t or won’t do something like this is vastly inferior to anyone who does.
3. I can’t stand and will always attack people who do “normal” things, in the sense that society defines the term, and this also goes for people who are “different” just for the sake of being different. I’ll probably attack these types of people even more than those who are “different” in harmful ways, because those at least have an impact and could even generate a strong enough reaction for the end result to be positive.
4. I firmly believe that marriage is at best pointless, and usually harmful, so I certainly have no intention of ever marrying. That’s about legal marriage, mind you, as what people feel the need to do in accordance with their religious beliefs is their own business. From the state’s perspective, I firmly believe that the rights and advantages meant for people in committed relationships should be granted to those who live together, gradually, over a period of at least a few years, so it’d actually be the commitment that’s being rewarded. As for the individual perspective, my view is that anyone who feels that some papers or rings will help them stay with their partner is in fact saying that their commitment alone isn’t enough, which is a problem that no papers or rings can solve, as the divorce rates prove. At the same time, as long as the concept of legal marriage exists, I’m of course firmly in favor of gay marriage.
6. When I was little, I thought that trees caused wind, since they always moved when there was wind, and therefore wanted to cut them all down because strong winds scared me. It simply made no sense to me when I was being told that it was in fact the wind that moved the trees, because there were trees in the yard and on the street and I always saw them move when there was wind, while those air masses I was being told about where nowhere to be seen, so I assumed that everybody was trying to trick me… And now I’m an environmentalist who also enjoys strong winds and storms…
7. I was raised by strictly Christian grandparents, but started getting very interested in studying religions when I was 13 and, after reading a few things about several, kept finding myself returning to Wicca. Got scared of it after a couple of years and returned to something that passed well enough for Christianity even in my personal practices, not just in what I let others see, but my belief system continued building itself on that foundation. It incorporated bits and pieces that seemed to fit together despite being gathered from different religions, various theories about the paranormal, scientific facts and my own theories as well. Eventually, at the end of 2004, a series of events made me decide to turn again towards what felt right for me, researched even more after Andra left, then took some time off to be sure and finally came to the decision to actually call myself an eclectic Wiccan. However, not long afterwards, after noticing that I was even disagreeing with some core concepts and reading some articles written by more traditional Wiccans who were making the very valid point that if you don’t even adhere to the core tenets of a religion you really shouldn’t call yourself one of its followers, I decided to call myself simply Neopagan, since that term is broad enough to reasonably cover my belief system.
8. Though I firmly support polyamorous relationships and would eventually like to be in one, I only deal with people one-on-one. If “others” are around, I’ll be feeling uncomfortable at best, no matter what’s going on or how comfortable I’d feel with each of them separately. It even applies if I have to tell the same thing to several people, in which case I either tell each of them separately or, if need be, tell one of them to also inform the rest. If I’m to become less uncomfortable in such a situation, I’d first need to feel comfortable around each of the people involved and then, very gradually, get used to all of us being together. It’s something that’s next to impossible to happen outside of a polyamorous relationship, and even then it’d require a very strong incentive, such as some sexual scenarios that I’ll describe below, and either way I’m sure I’ll always need more time spent one-on-one than like this.
9. Though there are a couple of physical deal breakers that can negate it, what actually sparks my sexual interest in a girl is feeling really close to her. Sure, a good looking girl can get me aroused for a moment, but it’ll be all out of my mind the next. For me, sex is the ultimate connection between people, so I guess that level of closeness and trust is what makes me really desire someone sexually. It also means that if I find myself being absolutely certain that there would be at least one situation in which I’d really have sex with someone, I really feel “bonded” to that person, at least as a very close friend.
10. The idea of my girlfriend having sex with someone else really turns me on. Not with random people, but with people I feel I can trust as well, for obvious reasons. Yes, that includes other guys. In fact, that could even be recommended, as in that case I’d only be interested in watching her or listening to her describe what happened, while if she were to do it with another girl I’d be looking at both or would want to hear all about it from both of them. But this isn’t supposed to just be some sort of masturbation aid and I think I’d be very uncomfortable with being in the same room while it happens without participating, as I would also be if the situation were to be reversed. As such, the way it happens in my fantasies is that they either somehow film themselves in good quality and then I watch the film with her, or she at least tells me all about how it went, at length and in detail. We’re naked and cuddling while that happens, at some point I have an orgasm, either ejaculating somewhere on her body or slipping inside her for a little while, and after the end of the story or film we have some very hot sex together.
11. I’m very interested in a threesome. Foursome, in the sense of two couples doing it at the same time but also interacting with each other, perhaps even more so. It’d require carefully working up to it, as I said above that I don’t see myself as being ready to dive into something that requires me to interact with two or more people at once too soon, but these are both things that I could eventually see happening up to once per week if I think of my ideal sex life, as long as I’d still do it one-on-one on most days. It could perhaps also be interesting to eventually try something that’d involve me being in an established triad or quad that would also invite a friend or perhaps another couple, so it’d still only be two “units”. If it would work out well enough at first, we could return to it later on for some variety, but only on rare occasions. Anything involving more than six people or more than two “units”, however, is far too much for me.
12. My favorite position is basically the reverse missionary. Her lying on top of me, with our bodies pressed together, locked in an embrace. Why? Her on top because, though I have my moments, I usually like not to be the one controlling things, and the rest because of the intimacy full-body contact offers and because being able to kiss her and look into her eyes while doing it is crucial for me. Yes, this tends to make for slow and possibly shallow movements, but that’s the idea, as for me intercourse is mainly about the emotional connection, strongly preferring oral sex when the focus is on physical pleasure.
13. I had a huge crush on Lucy Lawless in my early teens, when Xena: Warrior Princess was first on TV here. It was my first crush of any kind, and in fact one of the only two I ever had, the other also being a celebrity crush, on Alyssa Milano, roughly during the same period, as Who’s the Boss? was also on at the time. No more crushes after that. Just falling in love, twice…
14. The first girl I fell in love with was a high school classmate named Rosemarie. Yes, she was Romanian, despite the name. It really was love at first sight, from the first moment I laid eyes on her in front of the school building on the first day, before learning that we’d actually be classmates. Then again, it took me a while to fully realize how I felt, so much so that I believe one of her friends knew what it was all about before I did. She never gave me the slightest chance, but the only reason I managed to finish even ninth grade was because I could keep hoping that she would. When that hope faded, at the start of the tenth grade, there was no way I could keep going. Yet the feelings didn’t fade and I certainly said from the beginning that I’d never look for a relationship with anyone else. But then, after suffering for a total of close to three years after Rose, Andra just showed up in my life and I found myself in a relationship without looking for it, which was a possibility I did allow for, since I never actually was with Rose to say that I’d never replace her with anyone else in any way, like I do in Andra’s case. It still took me some six months to bury the feelings I had for Rose under those that were developing for Andra, however.
15. The last time I saw a person that I truly considered to be my best friend at the time was November 17, 2001. She was the only person I ever met who acted and truly “felt” like I think a best friend should, even if it lasted so little. After completely losing contact with her, in early 2002, I haven’t met anyone who came anywhere near that. I love Andra and I didn’t love Elena P., but the kind of connection I seemed to have with her was simply surreal. But there’s still the chance that it was all an act, of course.
16. My last kiss was on September 27, 2005, around 4 AM. It was the last thing Andra did before going out the door… And out of my life…
17. I can’t cry when I’m alone. I need to have a person that I feel close to next to me, even if that person is just why I’m crying, otherwise I just can’t. Or, all right, it is sometimes possible, with difficulty, if triggered by something like a song or a massive battle scene in a movie, but that happens extremely rarely. I did manage to cry a couple of weeks ago, as well as some two and a half months ago, but these are the only two occasions I can recall during the past three years and even they took quite a lot.
18. If I could change one thing about my appearance, it’d be to have healthy hair on my head, to be able to keep it relatively long, as opposed to balding from forehead to the top of my head. There’s something else that bothers me, which has to do with the second physical deal breaker, but that’s not quite bad enough to reach that level. Hair, on the other hand, is, as I always wanted to have long hair and my mental image of myself almost always has shoulder-length hair. Shoulder-length white hair, that is, but that’s another matter.
19. Unless somehow hidden, hair is quite certainly the first thing I notice when I look at a girl from any direction other than the front, and sometimes, depending on the distance and what other features stand out, possibly even from the front. Talking about physical features, it’s usually far more likely for me to want to get a better look if I first happen to notice a girl’s hair from behind and find it nice than if I first notice pretty much anything else about her. Put simply, healthy and straight or slightly curly hair that reaches at least halfway down the back and is allowed to simply flow freely turns me on. Partially depending on body type, brown hair, especially if not light brown, seems to have that same effect even in case of some simple hairdos and even if it’s somewhat shorter, though still at least going past the shoulders. On the other hand, short hair is a deal breaker and any hairdo that seems to have required any noticeable amount of time or effort makes me cringe, as does noticeably dyed hair, which includes that type of black that looks just too good to be real and seems to be so popular among young women around here.
20. I sleep with a teddy bear that Andra gave me when I turned 18. It’s the only thing connected to her that I can sleep with, so I do. I hug it before going to sleep, kiss it when I wake up, and yes, I make sure it’s well tucked in, just like I did with her. Crazy? Perhaps, but certainly far less crazy than I wish I’d be.
21. I rock myself to sleep. And again when I wake up. Didn’t feel any need to when Andra was next to me in bed, so while living with her I only did it on purpose when I happened to go to bed when she wasn’t at home, and even then only very briefly, though during the first couple of months she told me that I’d start doing it as soon as I’d fall asleep even if I didn’t otherwise. After she left, I obviously started doing it again. More recently, I almost stopped for several months, after it for some reason started producing headaches instead of that pleasantly dizzy feeling that had until then helped my thoughts settle with little interference from the outside world. Even so, stopping was only possible because I “played” quite a lot before going to bed during that period, though of course without finishing, but for the past few weeks I almost stopped doing that, so now I noticed myself getting back to rocking myself to sleep again. Guess you can safely call this an addiction.
22. I haven’t masturbated to orgasm since early 2006. The end of February, to be exact. It was hard to do it at all after she left, but did manage every now and then while I still had some hope. Then I just couldn’t anymore. I do “play” often, but never finish it, though my body doesn’t seem to understand the idea and I wake up sticky every now and then.
23. I actually started masturbating when I was five. Can’t say that I learned it from anywhere; just discovered that touching a certain area in a certain way felt nice and certainly thought that I was the only one who knew how to do that back then. Even managed to do it under the blanket with my grandparents all around me, until dad walked in on me once when I was seven and told them what I was up to that is. That turned out ugly. Lost interest in it a few months later and only started again when I was 12.
24. While my long-term memory is excellent, I have extremely poor short-term memory. I can’t keep something in mind, but must usually first memorize and then recall it some time later. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I meant to pick something up but turned to do something else first and forgot all about the first thing until I realized that I needed it at some later point and remembered the entire scene. Please don’t think I’m not paying attention if I can’t remember what you just told me. I’ll often remember it well enough the next day.
25. When I say that my brain always works with numbers, I sure mean it. And it strongly prefers certain numbers, namely one, three, seven, twelve and any that can be divided by five. This is quite loose, as it may be that only the last two digits count, so 103 or 6512 would look “nice” to me, and sometimes it may even be just the last digit, so anything that doesn’t end in four, six, eight or nine can be all right, but I really try to avoid creating or keeping things in amounts that would be expressed by those numbers. This is most frequently noticed when I create music playlists, slice bread or grab certain small edible things, such as cookies.
26. The only time when I actually enjoy going out, though not for very long, is when there’s a lot of snow and it’s cold enough for it to settle nicely and stay on the ground for a long time without melting. I also like to just look out the window on such days, or especially on such nights, though I also like to do that during thunderstorms, when I certainly wouldn’t go out. On the other hand, sunlight usually makes me sad. Or perhaps not necessarily sad, but awfully uncomfortable. It’s not all that uncommon for me to keep the blinds drawn for most of the day, and sometimes even for the entire day.
27. Not only that I don’t drink coffee, but even the smell of it makes me sick. It may be tolerable once it’s been sitting in a cup for a while, but if I open the cupboard and there’s an open bag or jar of coffee in there or I walk past the kitchen when coffee has just been brewed I instantly need to fight to hold on to the contents of my stomach.