Cav's Place

It’s been exactly five years since we first met to go on that vacation together. What an insane plan that was, meeting after talking for two months and going somewhere together, when neither of us had ever been on a trip alone before and I certainly knew I couldn’t take care of myself in such a situation. Yet, those turned out to be the best days of my life, despite all the problems that arose.

Initially we meant to be just friends, but that idea only lasted until shortly before midnight. I was angry that my parents didn’t leave as they said they would and she found herself hugging me while trying to calm me down. That was strange, since she avoids physical contact unless she’s extremely close to the person, was telling me before we met that she might make me sleep on the floor in the hotel if she’ll feel as weird about sleeping in the same bed with somebody as she thought she was going to feel.
But stranger yet was that, during that hug, she pecked me four times around the lips. Always said she has no memory of doing that, but she did it. And that made something either click into place or snap apart in my mind and I found myself kissing her… Or trying to at least, since I had no idea what I was doing there.
So I stopped, pulled back, mumbled “sure shows that I don’t know what I’m doing” and then tried to think of a quick way out of that situation, because I was sure she was going to react badly. Only she didn’t… She stared at me without moving a muscle for about a minute, during which I think I forgot to breathe, then slowly said “then let me teach you”. And that’s how it all started…

I think of the more than three years that followed and can find only good thoughts. That doesn’t mean we didn’t have problems, I think we actually had big problems more often than not, whether they had to do directly with us or not, but I used to say that her being with me makes me much happier even when everything else goes wrong than I could ever be if everything else would be perfect but she wouldn’t be next to me. Always meant it. Still do.
I’m still not sure when exactly did we break up, as strange as that might sound. All I know is that my life ended right then and there and all that’s left is pain and sorrow. Being with her was the only thing I ever truly felt was worth living for. I mean, what else is there? Plans, dreams, ideas? Nothing but wisps of fog dissipating into the morning breeze. Besides, saving the world is so much less than just being with the one you truly love.
So, yes, it certainly was worth going through everything I went through before that moment, and even more so getting past all the problems that arose while we were together, and even all of what I’m going through now will certainly be worth it if I were to ever be with her again.
What’s not worth it is to keep going like this if that really will never happen, especially as things can only get worse (worried most about eyes right now, considering how the image I’m seeing keeps shattering into dozens of pieces and how it feels like my brain is putting together puzzle pieces so I’ll still be able to make out what’s in front of me, but nothing I can do about it and nobody’s willing to do what has to be done). But I already know I’m too much of a coward to do what needs to be done, plus that there’s still that tiny shred of hope that maybe one day it could still happen. Too little to keep me going, too much to be able to say there’s nothing left to lose…

Spent the day till now in bed with the teddy bear. Been months since I did that, more because of all the noise than because I didn’t feel the need to. But today the world seemed willing to just let me be.
Started raining last evening and only stopped in the morning. Lightning, thunder and wind as well. That was nice, I like rain, storms and cloudy days. Got in bed to rest my eyes after eating last night and fell right asleep. Must have something to do with how I haven’t been sleeping more than three hours straight or more than five per day for more than one day per week for a couple of months now because of all the people hammering and drilling all day long in this building.
There were fries in the fridge last night, so I ate that. Been over a year since I touched those things, but I just felt like something like that. For anybody who knows what I’m talking about, it feels quite ironic to write “fries”… (Also find myself wanting popcorn for a while now, but that’s not going to happen unless I say it, and I won’t.)

Today wasn’t too sunny either, and thankfully not hot at all so I didn’t need to drink anything. I know I’m not throwing up only because there’s nothing in my stomach. Right now clouds are covering the sky again, so I’m hoping for more rain.
All the hammering and drilling was also toned down. Don’t know how come, but I’m very thankful for it. Still didn’t sleep much, but at least I could just sit in bed without getting too angry and needing to come kill some things in a game…
But I had a nice dream during one of the naps that I managed to take. I’m sure you can figure out what it was about… The hardest parts are still realizing that those are the dreams, not this the nightmare.

Hope she’s really happy at least, so this won’t be all for nothing…
I’m going to go curl in a ball again and wait for the rain. My eyes need the rest anyway, I keep closing them for a moment after every few lines since I get this very distinct feeling that something is just moments away from tearing somewhere inside them.
I’m going to do something really stupid tonight… But what else is new?