Day 2347
Yes, it’s been this long. As of today, assuming that my calculations are correct, I have not only suffered after her longer than the relationship lasted, but more than twice longer. So I’m passing yet another “milestone” that I didn’t think I’ll make it to, that I most likely should never have made it to, and the situation is now not merely no better, but actually worse than before, seeing as she put me on ignore wherever she could as of a few months ago…
But let me check those calculations one more time, in writing this time, just to be sure. Not that a day or two would make much of a difference, but let’s see: If I am to consider the calculations for the previous such “milestone” to be accurate, then I first need to go three years, including one leap year, from December 13, 2008. Since there have been no leap years since then, that in fact means that I’ll have to go three years and a day after that, so not until December 12, but until December 13, 2011. Next, starting from the next day, December 14, I have to add two 31-day months. Since December and January are just that, that gets me right to February 13, 2012. And adding 15 more days on top of that will get me all the way to yesterday, February 28. So yes, if I didn’t somehow get it wrong now as well, as of today, February 29, 2012, I have suffered after her for more than twice longer than our relationship lasted. And it hardly was a short relationship, as you can see…
What’s next? I have no idea… All I know is that I’ll always love her and won’t stop hoping for a miracle, even if this hope is merely the false hope I’m required to create for myself because I couldn’t survive without it and I am, after all, still alive. And I also have to hope for that miracle, instead of either the miracle or death, because I have suffered far, far too long for death to be a welcome conclusion anymore. If I would have died within the first year after she left, or at most within a year and a half, then we’d all have been better off, but I was too much of a coward to kill myself then and afterwards it stopped being a suitable solution, so I wouldn’t even want it anymore.
All of this’d be worth it without as much as a second thought if we’ll end up back together someday and spend the rest of our lives, but no less time than we spent apart, together after that, both of us being fully content with our relationship and in good health. Actually being truly happy with how things are going would be even better, of course, but simply being content, as in not having any significant reasons to feel unhappy with our relationship or with each other, would be quite enough for me. And since the only thing I couldn’t accept even for her would be to have children around, considering my views regarding ovepopulation, this means that I have to keep hoping that she isn’t and won’t be involved with any, and particularly that she won’t have any herself. As long as this is the case, I’m at least left with that theoretical chance that I need to hold on to simply because I’m still alive, because I couldn’t survive without this hope.
At first I didn’t mean to mention this here, since it’s an entirely different issue, but I’m going to edit the post and add it too. I’m talking about the fact that I spent a good part of the day, or more exactly a good six hours, working on a reply that ended up having some 3750 words but may not matter in the least, and I can quite clearly say that I had yet another reason to feel particularly bad. But, of course, ending up sorely disappointed is exactly what happens when I somehow fail to expect the worst every single time.
My fault, of course, for allowing the good first impression and my resulting hopes to get the better of me and somehow fail to see it coming. I mean, why would it matter that she also admitted that the “moral” and “ethical” measures couldn’t be sufficient to solve the overpopulation problem in time? My views are obviously infuriating, frightening and appalling, I deserve to be locked up for them and the world would be better off without me and those like me. Which is, of course, the typical reaction, even from those who claim to also be worried about or even trying to solve this issue, but I somehow failed to expect it this time.
So this would be the other reason to be particularly unhappy today, after having my hopes of finally finding someone around here who doesn’t only seem pretty nice overall but is actually able to think strictly rationally about this issue and see what needs to be done about it dashed so thoroughly. And what made it even worse was that, after adding the fact that we seemed to very much agree on the importance of the issue to what had been a pretty good first impression, I was even starting to allow myself to hope that I had unbelievably stumbled upon a potential “real life” friend, quite a few years after the last time I thought this about someone and a full decade after I last had such a person in my life, even if very briefly.
But I guess I now simply need to make sure that I won’t be caught unprepared yet again, starting by making sure that I won’t allow myself to hope that we’ll somehow work this out, despite taking all that time to write that reply. Past this, my level of confidence in humankind’s ability to solve the worst problems it itself creates is already back to its normal value, namely only very marginally above zero, and the fight goes on, for this and any other truly worthy causes. And a translation of a good part of that e-mail should be turned into a post, perhaps as early as next week, so it wasn’t all for nothing even if nothing will be left of it otherwise.
(In case the person I’m talking about stopped by again and is reading this, well, there you have it. Just being perfectly open and honest, as always. And I did try to leave out any potentially identifying information.)
