Cav's Place

If I’ve more or less given up on the thought of increasing the difference a year or so ago, I’ve been managing to keep the number of personal posts steadily at five less than the non-personal ones for several months now, usually by writing one of each per week and a few times by writing two personal ones in one week and two non-personal ones the next, but this is not the case anymore. Wrote two personal posts last week and simply can’t make up for it now, and I’m quite certain that I won’t do it next week either, so I’m down to only two “slots” for personal posts at any one time, since I’m determined to have them make up less than half of the total number.
Certainly had things to write about this week, but you can see for yourselves that all I managed was basically half of one post. I meant to write that entire list of demands at once, thought I had it pretty well in mind when I put down the basic ideas Wednesday night, after thinking about it for two days, but then everything ground to a halt when it came to actually writing it, as even what little you see there took me two days to manage. The rest of it is, as usual, very clear in my mind but at the same time basically impossible to put into words in any way that’d make much sense for anyone who may happen to be reading.
Still, until last evening I certainly meant to put some effort into a non-personal post today, only resorting to a personal one if I’ll see that it’s getting close to midnight and I’m nowhere near finished. However, I eventually realized that it wasn’t a matter of struggling for hours to get through the first couple of paragraphs but then find that the rest is slowly starting to come together, as it often happens, but the simple fact that I didn’t have it in me. After all, one of the things I mean to post is on the topic of overpopulation and anyone who knows anything about me should know how easily I get carried away when it comes to that, not to mention that this time I already have most of it, albeit in Romanian, but I can’t bring myself to even start writing that…
But this certainly comes as no surprise. The more I tried to write, the harder it got, and this has been going on for years, so reaching the very limit of the rules I set for myself and noticing that I’m about to run out of ways to avoid breaking them was the obvious outcome. I even slowed down with my story since the start of the month, not that I had any pace to speak of before either, but that failed to make what I do still manage to write any easier or any better, the only difference being that there’s less of it.

I just can’t do anything without her, all right? Granted that I’m not sure if I’d manage to do anything if we’d somehow be back together either, because then I’d be focusing on her as much as possible and therefore either lack the time and energy to get much else done or not even care to try anymore, but at that point all these other things wouldn’t exactly matter anymore. But, of course, they already don’t, no matter how much I may try now and then to tell myself that I really want to do one thing or another. What I need and want is to be with her again and for us to be, if not necessarily truly happy, at least completely content with the relationship and with each other, as in not have any significant reasons to be unhappy with how things are going. All of these other things, even the causes I’m really struggling to fight for, they’re all meaningless without that…
It’s been six and a half years! I’ve already been suffering for more than twice as long as the relationship lasted, did all I could think of, or at least what little I was capable of doing, all this time, but all that happened is that now it’s even worse. Not just obviously not considering ever giving me another chance or even talking to me, but also putting me on ignore wherever she could as of a few months ago, hiding or even deleting some of the things I found after her behavior made me start searching far more often and more thoroughly than I had been until then…
I don’t know… Spent the last few minutes holding my head in my hands and going through several other things that I felt like adding here, but there’s no point and they either don’t make all that much sense when put into words or the sense they do make is quite different from what I’d actually be trying to express by writing them. Then again, there should be no need to add anything more, should it? The issue’s the same it’s been for all of these six and a half years and I keep getting worse in every way with each day that passes.

I guess I’d better stop while I still can make some sort of sense at least on personal issues. I mean, this post is already the sort that’s as much a magnet for trolls as it is for people who may mean well but unfortunately find themselves saying things despite clearly lacking the capacity to even understand what it’s all about. So I guess I’d better go and see whether I can fix myself something to eat, since I’m alone again today, though eating, and especially fixing something to eat, constantly made me feel even worse ever since she left. It’s not as bad as getting in bed, when the loneliness is even more overwhelming, if I may use the term, but… Yes, I’d better stop here. Tried to explain and couldn’t find the way to put something that should be perfectly obvious into words.