Cav's Place

Today, the Cassini mission has ended, the spacecraft diving into Saturn‘s atmosphere, transmitting its final observations almost in real time as its thrusters struggled to maintain its orientation for one final minute, before being overwhelmed. Once that happened, the probe would have started tumbling uncontrollably, being torn apart probably less than a minute later.

The mission itself was an unquestionable success, all the way to these final moments, which seem to have gone exactly according to plan, if not even better. In terms of making the most, and the most interesting, observations, of obtaining the best science out of what the spacecraft could still provide all the way to the end, this may have been the best course of action. However, the day is a terribly sad one, and not merely in the sense of a perceived loss of something that some might have developed an emotional attachment to. It is a sad day for space exploration and for humanity in general, the end of Cassini only highlighting our collective failing, our collective blindness. It reminds us that we once used to look up and dream with our eyes wide open, and that we don’t anymore.

Pioneer 11, planned through the 1960s and approved in 1969, was the first spacecraft to explore a solar system body beyond Jupiter, performing a flyby of Saturn in 1979. By then, the Voyagers were already launched, Voyager 2 remaining the only spacecraft to reach Uranus and Neptune, in 1986 and 1989, respectively. By then, Cassini had already been approved.
Now, with the end of the Cassini mission, humanity is left with not only no active mission exploring any planet beyond Jupiter, but with none approved or even actually planned for the future either. And after New Horizons‘ flyby of 2014 MU69 on the first day of 2019, there will be nothing even planned for any sort of solar system body beyond Jupiter at all. Worse, while clear plans for the continued exploration of Jupiter and its moons do at least exist, after Dawn and Juno will end there will also be a period when nothing will be active on or around any solar system body beyond Mars at all. And with the Voyagers and New Horizons expected to no longer have enough power to remain operational at some point in the 2020s, there will come a time when nothing at all will be active beyond Jupiter, and depending on the exact timing perhaps even a window of time when nothing at all will be active even beyond Mars.

Decades ago we could do these things, we could both look up and explore beyond our little ball of rock and metal, and at the same time look down and start taking care of our fragile home, or at least meaning to. And we did that even though we knew far less and even what information did exist was far more difficult to obtain, even though our level of development, whether technological or of any other kind, was far lower, even though fewer countries even had the capacity to get involved, even though there were more armed conflicts and unrest, and even though even GDPs, for those who care about this rotten finance-based economy, were far lower. But now, despite massive improvements in all those aspects, we apparently can’t do it anymore. Which only means we simply don’t want to, we just no longer care.
There was that statement, that the end of the Cassini mission is also a new beginning, but how can they say that? A new beginning of what? A new Dark Age? How can humanity find any excuse for itself? After well over 50 years, we stopped looking up, we stopped caring for what’s out there, and we’re definitely not doing much better about what’s down here either. Now it’s not just the power struggles, which existed all along, but the economic interests that are by far the main obstacle blocking any of the right paths. That’s the main reason why we keep trashing Earth, and the main reason why space exploration has been brought to its knees.
Down here everything apparently needs to make economic sense, to pay in some way, even though the concept of money is completely artificial and has no value or meaning outside human society, and even within human society it only has the value and meaning we choose to give it. And this mindset is now expanding to cover what goes on up there as well, with more and more projects having to do with space being handed over to the private sector, or being taken by it directly, even though the private sector’s primary goal is always to generate profit, to use real resources and the time and effort of people in order to do or make something for which other people will be willing to pay more of this artificial and irrelevant “resource” than was spent, any good things that may sometimes happen as a result of such actions only being fortunate side effects.
If we’ll go to some asteroids, or get back to the Moon, it seems that it won’t be out of a desire for knowledge or to prove to ourselves that we can still achieve something great, but more probably in order to mine or otherwise obtain something that will then be sold down here for a significant profit. Even if some humans may end up on Mars, maybe in the 2030s, instead of an outstanding collaborative achievement of the human race, one meant to inspire all to strive for a greater and nobler future, it’ll probably just serve to inflate some entrepreneur’s ego even more… And possibly even result in a reality show. As for anything beyond Mars, that doesn’t seem likely to generate profits at the moment, so you see the result. Instead of our continued development translating into more and better efforts in this area, what we see is less, and eventually none at all.

Wrote about this great failure of ours, one of so many, back in 2014 as well, after it was announced that the last phase of the Cassini mission will be named The Grand Finale. And I guess I’ll end this post with the same Babylon 5 quote I included in the one I wrote back then: “When you stumble a lot, you… You start looking at your feet. We have to make people lift their eyes back to the horizon and see the line of ancestors behind us saying ‘Make my life have meaning.’ And to our inheritors before us saying ‘Create the world we will live in.’ I mean, we’re not just holding jobs and having dinner. We are in the process of building the future.”
While I’m at it, though it feels a bit odd to quote a part I wrote in a post on a certain topic in another one on the same topic, I’ll also repeat what I added there after the above quote: “Too many people forget that. Too many care only about their pockets, stomach and groin, and at most those of a few loved ones as well. Too many focus only on the here and now, on immediate problems and instant gratification. Too many are only concerned with quick gains and practical results. Too many stumble merely because they refuse to open their eyes and lift their heads enough to see the cracks, hurdles, twists and turns ahead… And too many who would look and go farther are brought down by them as they writhe and crawl through the mud and dirt.“

Can’t say that the announcement just posted by Dianne was unexpected after the one posted by the band yesterday, but it’s still sad… It is somewhat refreshing to see her state her side so clearly though, unlike those hiding behind more or less generic or formal statements that attempt to mask the real reasons and the events leading to something like this when it’s obviously a matter related to their professional life and therefore something the interested public is entirely justified in wanting to know the details of.

What struck me was that she’s the second Xandria vocalist of the three I know of clearly stating that the stress caused by being in the band was too much, after Lisa. Doesn’t seem to have been the case with Manuela, but that was one of those frustrating situations when the reasons weren’t clearly spelled out, while Kerstin is the reason why I said “the three I know of”, because I wasn’t looking up these things when they split ways with her, and in fact that quite short period with her went completely under my radar, so no idea what was said then.
But, to return to Dianne’s statement, wouldn’t call the fact that they already have a replacement suspicious in itself, because she replaced Manuela immediately too, so it seems to be how they operate, or perhaps how their label does. Not sure how Aeva will fit their sound from what I’m hearing now, but I was rather wary when Dianne replaced Manuela too and Xandria always seem to land on their feet after such changes. Most notably, remember how pleasantly surprised I was by Neverworld’s End, as in their one album with Manuela, and while I still consider that to be their best moment overall, what may have bothered me a bit in their more recent releases was maybe getting somewhat rougher, plus perhaps some other elements of the overall sound that are harder to precisely identify, definitely nothing about her vocals.
On the other hand, speaking of being wary about their new vocalists, the other projects of any of their past ones, whether before or after their stint in Xandria, never got on my radar, and that goes for Dianne’s Ex Libris as well. That’s rather weird, what all of them came from, moved on to and/or did on the side being rather different and not something I could be noticeably interested in, while Xandria is one of the most notable bands I kept an ear on, to put it that way, ever since seriously diving into the genre, and into music in general really, after Andra left. Recall telling a now-former friend once, probably after the release of Salomé: The Seventh Veil, that they’re probably fourth in my personal classification, after the three I was listing as favorites, for different reasons. And while I now know far too many to rank, they’re still up there, and I did say that their best moment in my view came after that period, and their more recent releases aren’t below that level either… Which I guess is the reason why I took enough interest in this to write this post.
Whatever they’re doing to stay up there may not be worth it if it makes for so much pressure on members though.

Later edit: Manuela weighed in as well, meaning to be quite balanced about it, but overall pretty much saying the same thing regarding why she left when she did. The main problem is how the industry works, which is no news to anybody, and the fact that art, or in fact anything, has to pay, that people still need to “earn a living”. But that’s a different discussion…

Even later edit: Lisa also posted a lengthy statement, and you should seriously read it. It’s the first post on her Facebook page in 11 months and there are great comments in it, and it’s written in style, not that anybody should have expected anything less from her on either count. There are a few annoying bits, but the worst part for me is that about her being a mother and that has nothing to do with the matter at hand. What does have to do with it is the part about the management working for the band though, as with contracts and labels I’m not sure how true that is, what freedom bands still have, how much they can override the management. Of course, there is the choice to not get in such an arrangement in the first place and I’d be the first one to advocate for it, but this just goes right back to the “different discussion” I mentioned above.

When I saw that this month’s edition of The Guardian‘s We Need to Talk About… podcast will be about population, mainly in terms of its connection to climate change but also in terms of how else fewer children would affect the world, and that members were called to submit questions and views, I obviously had to get involved, and by this I mean doing more than simply sharing. After all, commenting on an article that brought up the issue of overpopulation was why I made an account on The Guardian in the first place, and such articles got most of my otherwise quite few comments since.
So I ended up sending an e-mail tonight, choosing that option instead of the form due to the size of the text, and I’m posting it here now as well, only removing some “technical” details that wouldn’t be relevant here and slightly changing just a few little bits that were too conversational for a post. As you’ll be able to see, I just once again stated my position bluntly and explicitly, referring to the general problem and the overall impact and not focusing on climate change or any other single effect or outcome in particular. Tackling anything separately as well would have made this quite a few times longer, and would have also required bringing up other topics.

Question:

I’ll be blunt: A massive reduction of the human population is required in order to have any real chance of solving any major environmental or social problems, otherwise any other measures merely delaying the inevitable at an ever increasing cost. Now, since I hope we can agree that killing people or letting them die due to lack of access to needed resources of services is to be avoided (though in fact at least this latter scenario is still the norm worldwide), what needs to be tackled is breeding, people having children. And the situation is already so bad that even considering that sticking only to the, shall we say, nice measures, like voluntary family planning or incentives for the childfree, will be enough is, to put it very mildly, wishful thinking of the most dangerous kind. Maybe that would have worked if done several decades ago, maybe, but right now nothing short of a complete worldwide moratorium on births will cut it, to be lifted when or, for that matter, if we’ll sort things out, both environmentally and socially.

So the question is: How do we implement that moratorium, as soon as possible, with no exceptions and in a way that will give us the best chances to use the time provided by it to improve things enough to offer a real hope that someday we’ll be able to lift it and continue as a species deserving of its place on this world, according to the conditions I mentioned?

For those who are an active part of the problem, feel free to consider this an insane, ludicrous and/or dystopian hypothetical. The question remains.

Other comments:

That was long for the question field, wasn’t it? But just asking how to enforce a complete moratorium on humans breeding worldwide without stressing the context and preempting the whole speech about it not being needed would have been quite pointless.

Now this is likely to be dismissed long before anybody even gets this far with reading, but just in case… (Was told by a friend back in 2011 when I sent an open letter about overpopulation – the English translation of which you can read, though I took my stance further since – that also included such a statement that I shouldn’t say things like this because they become self-fulfilling prophecies, but it’s realistic.)

Since I mentioned taking my stance further, a brief history of it would be that in my teens I initially wanted three children, but I was maybe 16 when enough information reached me to make me realize that the world was terribly overpopulated and this was truly the biggest problem. (I’m 32 now, 33 next month.) By 18 I had finally integrated it all, being determined to never have any children myself and strongly advocate for firm population controls enforced by absolutely any means necessary, with clear targets to drastically reduce the world’s population without increasing mortality.
Initially it was a rather general concept, then was saying only 10% of people should be allowed to have children, then as time passed and the problem only got worse without anything being done in this direction, that number fell to 5%, then to 2%, then to the minimum necessary to avoid a genetic bottleneck, whatever scientists will determine that to be, assuming it’ll be a fair bit less than 2%. Then, more recently, I got to the point of being certain that nothing but a complete moratorium would cut it, initially thinking of a minimum of ten years, now of at least 20 years, and about to move to 25 or 30 I guess, seeing as things just keep getting worse. This also offers time to overhaul social systems as needed, and also to figure out how to decide how to select those potential suitable parents once the moratorium will be lifted, as that was always a difficult problem to propose proper solutions for, especially when it would have had to be implemented right away.

If such a moratorium will be lifted even in 35 to 40 years, it won’t be a problem for the human race to continue naturally even if just a small part of those still of childbearing age at the time will have children. And then there’s the option of preserving genetic material which may be used to create a new generation even later, as long as any people will be left alive to do that and guide them through the first years. So that’s not the problem, though maybe a perceived threat of extinction, be it of the species as a whole or of certain parts of it that are more dear to them, or even simply of their own family line, may actually motivate the people who are inclined to see that as a real possibility to get to work on fixing things.

But the thing is that, with our position as the species which can shape this world according to its will, humans have more the responsibility to be its stewards, fix the damage and help all other species we are, or should be, sharing it with have good lives, than the right to exploit at will. We’ll actually be worth continuing as a species if we’ll reach that point, and preferably also fix our own society so life will truly be worth living for all, as thinking, feeling beings, capable and willing to analyze how things stand and what they mean and needing real purpose and truly good things to happen to rationally conclude that living is undoubtedly the desirable state, as opposed to it largely being a matter of rationalizing the basic survival instinct despite all the facts against such a conclusion, as it typically is now.
So, since the question came up before, my position does not match that of VHEMT all the way to the end goal in principle, but that’s because I think humans, in much smaller numbers and obviously of the right mindset, are needed to fix things and care for this planet. If we won’t do that, we might as well go extinct before we’ll take everything else down with us, hence conditioning lifting this moratorium on fixing things.

And fixing things for the other species, and the world as a whole, after causing so much harm so far, and fixing our society as well in the manner I described above, is why we can’t waste time and resources and ingenuity on mitigating the harm caused by this huge problem we ourselves continue to create and worsen. As I stated previously, anything we do without drastically reducing the population merely delays the inevitable at an ever increasing cost, and that cost will be paid by all other species and then perhaps the humans least responsible for it first, but even trying to find those mitigating measures is a wasted effort in itself, as there’s so much to do we can’t afford to direct attention and resources to doing other things about something that can so clearly be solved, eventually, by one simple thing, namely people no longer having children until this matter fixes itself.
It’s one thing, one decision, that prevents far more harm, from both an environmental and a humanitarian perspective, than all other things a person can do put together. And imposing limits on this will allow far greater freedoms in most other aspects, which freedoms currently need to be curtailed to limit the damage caused by our numbers alone, even though the actions themselves may not be inherently harmful. Plus, of course, in poorer regions a population reduction is necessary before improvements in the standard of living may in any way be sustainable, while in the wealthier ones such a reduction is necessary for anything even remotely resembling the current standard of living to be sustainable, these more developed regions therefore requiring such a reduction first, contrary to what may be popular belief… Inasmuch as humans consider the matter at all, as in general the vast majority obviously can’t be expected to take this into account, so any fantasies about persuading people on a large scale of this are just that, fantasies, delusions. It must be imposed and enforced; no exceptions, no excuses.

Of course, all of this makes things usually get really ugly, really fast when talking to people. For full disclosure, the concepts themselves make the vast majority lash out and my vehemence and the coercive and punitive measures I advocate for those who won’t respond to the carrot, as they say, led to me even being kicked out of movements ostensibly dedicated to solving the issue, such as Global Population Speak Out some time after it was taken over by The Population Institute and the more radical opinions that its founder readily accepted along with the rest started being pushed aside. Was also told that if it ever becomes a realistic option we’ll meet on opposite sides of the barricades, weapons in hand, which was a stance I guess I could respect even though I’d much rather armed conflict be avoided if possible, or that I need to be lynched for my views, which is quite funny when I’m advocating for all of this in order to avoid killing or letting people, and other species, die.

Sure don’t feel like writing another post now and was about to give in and end up with a Sunday update tomorrow, but I guess I’ll give it a try and start with what actually happened to cause my UPS to beep yesterday morning, when it woke me up after I had just managed to get back to sleep. I actually edited that bit of yesterday’s post last evening, when the matter was clarified, to say there was no power for a few minutes instead of mentioning an outage, because the real reason for it was that the light bulb that’s on the hallway, above the door to my room, burned out quite spectacularly, parts of the switch apparently ending up quite melted as well and causing the master circuit breaker to turn off all power, so getting past the one for the lights in that part of the house. That explained how I was still getting a network signal, the switch at the top of the building obviously still having power, but after checking the kitchen light as well and seeing that there was no power there either, I just reacted, meaning to shut down my computer.
Didn’t actually let it shut down though, because the fact that I got out of my room and checked the kitchen light also made dad, who was probably on his laptop at the time, figure out what was happening and turn the power back on, I guess after unscrewing the light bulb, since he said later that the switch was stuck. So I ended up having power again right after clicking to shut down, being able to cancel the process when that notification about something not shutting down right away briefly appeared. Still, despite logging off and then back on, I wasn’t sure everything was right, so took the opportunity to reboot in order to run chkdsk on the system partition. Since I normally only reboot when required to do so by updates, hadn’t done that in quite a long time.

After that, I stayed awake, grabbing something to eat, writing yesterday’s post, and only crawling back to bed at about 4:20 PM, or maybe even 4:30 PM. Shortly after 6 PM I woke up due to a dream that I was reacting physically too, starting to punch the bed and the pillow, continuing the fight in the dream, but I quickly realized I was actually awake and could be seen by anyone living in the other buildings around here, since the blinds were up and there was light, stopping abruptly without having calmed down. Went to the toilet after that, but trying to get back to sleep didn’t go so well, and then my phone beeped to let me know it needed charging a few minutes before 7 PM, just when I was finally drifting off again. Eventually fell asleep some time after that, and was up again at 8:20 PM, so I again only got to that total of about five or, at best, five and a half hours, split in quite a few parts.

To finish with yesterday, watched parts of the US Open matches in the evening, and I was just making a mental note that I followed it way less this year than I normally would have. I hadn’t even visited the site until today, and watched less as well… But I always have very mixed feelings about this tournament, not only because of that final set tie-break, which definitely shouldn’t happen in such major tournaments, but probably even more so because it takes place during the time of year when Andra didn’t allow me in the room while she was there and awake back then, before leaving, and I was spending a good part of my time watching it in the living room. 12 years and I still can’t say whether that means it brings bad memories or bittersweet ones, since at least she was still around, even under those circumstances, and there was that final, very brief, better period to come.

Moving on to today, I checked out the part of The Embassies’ Festival taking place in the park, after having also checked out the exposition of traditional clothing, items and art that’s elsewhere on Thursday. Also Thursday, I took the opportunity to drop off the three books I had forgotten about over three months ago, when I actually thought I had only forgotten about two, so I had even forgotten what I had forgotten. Had noticed that a bookstore had a box for donations for orphanages, so if I had a reason to return to that area, I took those there as well… And then, after visiting the exposition, I was considering going to a discussion with USR’s Local Council members, but I left too early, as it was just after 6:10 PM when I was in front of the listed location and it was only supposed to start at 7 PM, so I didn’t wait.
But to return to today, I wandered around there for a while, first getting a general idea about what I guess was the “World Bazaar” area, then walking to the stage and glancing at the food stalls that were on that alley. One offering Spanish food was also offering samples of some sort of meat and I took one on my way back, then tried to spear an olive from one of the large bowls with the toothpick from the sample, failing at first and prompting one of the workers to pick some up with the ladle in order to allow me to do so more easily. And then, just as it was dawning on me that the olives were probably not supposed to be samples, but actually for sale, I decided I had been rude enough by taking one without even asking for it to not make much of a difference if I’ll take another as well, from another bowl, so did just that before returning to the other area. Besides, that first olive looked quite rotten, being clearly the one that looked most suspicious out of those picked up in that ladle, but for some reason that’s where my toothpick went and then I decided I’ll just eat it anyway.
Back in the “World Bazaar” area, I decided to go around one more time, trying to compose a message to write in the guestbook available in the Syrian tent, which presented images of a past Syria and, interestingly, wasn’t manned by anybody at all. And pretty much at the start of this second “tour” I saw somebody placing servings of rice on the table in Pakistan’s tent, and when I approached I was immediately handed one, the person who did that just telling me, mostly through gestures, to take it when I tried to ask what it was, another person who was eating just saying that it was rice. Very spicy rice, as I immediately noticed, with some other things thrown in, a little piece of meat and the pit of some sort of fruit with none of the flesh still on it. Would have been interesting to know more about the ingredients.
After that, I noticed that Malaysia’s tent was gathering quite a lot of people, many taking glasses of some pink drink that didn’t look appetizing to me, so I stepped aside and waited my turn for the snack they were also freely offering. You could read what each of the things they were offering was and how it was made, but I don’t remember what I read there, so I tried to figure it out after I got back and I’m pretty sure the snack was Roti Jala. Each person was helping to pour their own, with the person working there holding their hand and moving that special utensil, and then they were asked whether they wanted curry or sweet sauce. They were saying the curry wasn’t spicy, and apparently pretty much everybody else was asking for that, so they had even covered the pot with the sweet one, but I wasn’t going to risk it after the rice, so picked sweet instead.
After finishing the food, I meant to continue this second “tour”, but saw the sector’s mayor there, with cameras chasing him, so I returned to the Syrian tent and wrote my message, which was, translated, “I wish the day will come when Syria will return to peace, once again becoming deserving of its rich history, having an administration that is democratic, secular and which defends the rights and freedoms of all, the environment and its cultural heritage, freeing itself from both the yoke of the current regime as well as the threat of militant extremists.” Sounds all too formal and weird, and it’s rather funny to write that in a guestbook provided by said “current regime”, but the latter part was just the point, while the former was the best I could manage at that moment.
That done, I got back to the other side of the area, but the wind was picking up, so I just had another quick look on the side I hadn’t properly checked out a second time, but only made one last stop at Russia’s tent, which was the last one, initially just grabbing a little toffee. But they were also offering some juice and a cup was right in front of me, so I got curious and grabbed that as well, asking what it was. Didn’t get a straight answer, first being asked what I thought it was, whether it was Pepsi, and only after a while being told it was some sort of non-alcoholic, sweetened beer. Was also eventually given a name, but I wonder whether that was the brand, because otherwise that description, the way it looked and that question about it being like Pepsi seem to quite clearly identify it as kvass.

With the previous section being mostly about free ethnic food, I’ll now skip back to last Sunday, when I was alone during the day but didn’t feel like making myself something to eat, as I had made something the day before and was going to do so again Monday and Tuesday. Fortunately, there was a Turkish festival in the same place in the park, and they had announced offering free shawarma and kebab, so I decided to go there. Was a bit pressed for time, with the race starting at 3 PM and the festival supposed to start at noon, but I was woken up at about 10 AM by drilling and hammering and I was there just before noon… Only to have to wander around, sit on a bench and wait, then wander around some more, because not even the few tents that were selling something were ready on time, and the free food was yet to start being offered even at 12:45 PM, when I took my place in one of the lines.
Of course, couldn’t complain about that, seeing as it was free, so I patiently waited, even though the line I was in started being served later and was going very slowly compared to the other one. There was quite a difference in what had to happen for each serving between the two, as at the other tent it was simply a matter of taking some meat from a large pile and putting it in the bread, as they were using halves of a plain loaf of white bread instead of flatbread, while at this one it involved one person cutting some pieces of meat now and then, the others occasionally needing to wait for him to cut some more, and others putting it, cabbage and onion in the loaf of bread. And some people were pushing their way forward, so I ended up losing quite a number of positions, as I wasn’t going to fight for my place in a line for free food.
Eventually, after about an hour of waiting in that line, I got my food and moved to the other, thinking I’ll eat while waiting. However, that was moving so quickly that I had barely managed to take a few bites when my turn came and I ended up with something in each hand, continuing to eat while at first wandering around to have a look at the few other tents, selling desserts, ice cream and some drinks, plus one offering henna hand painting. Also returned in front of the stage at one point, wanting to read what was written on the t-shirt of the girl singing at that moment, and actually wanting to hear her sing that particular song a bit better as well, since it was a decent cover of a Romanian song that’s not that bad in itself, at least when it comes to the vocals, and that was quite a welcome surprise after the truly dreadful performance of the singer who had been on stage before her and the few uncoordinated little girls attempting to dance on some Latin music before that, not that I’d have any idea why a Latin dance school was represented on the stage of a festival organized by a Turkish organization with the occasion of Kurban Bayram. The Turkish student who performed the Whirling Dervish dance before that definitely belonged, and he seemed to be performing well, but it did look rather sad to see a single person on stage for that dance.
Either way, I eventually sat on a bench until I almost finished eating, though when a boy who was presented as being in sixth grade and singing something that was, I believe, a mix between hip hop and dance took the stage I got up and left, finishing the rest on the way back. My lips and gums ended up rather scratched by the bread’s crust, but I had eaten quite well, the food was tasty, if not exactly healthy, and I didn’t have to do or pay anything for it… Unless having to listen to that first singer counts as a price, but at least she was Turkish I guess, and I was probably too critical of the whole thing in this piece anyway. But that’s how I usually am about anything, after all.

As for this week’s run, it was Tuesday, and I did manage to stay under 49 minutes for the fourth time in a row. Only barely, the time being 48:55 and that requiring all I had. Sector times were 4:34, 5:05, 5:51, 4:30, 5:06, 6:02, 4:33, probably 5:17, probably 6:05, and 1:52, making for lap times of 15:30, 15:38 and 15:55. I’m quite sure of that time for lap three’s second sector, but have to say I was uncertain right after I finished, probably because I had checked the time shortly before the end of the lap and saw 46:48, my mind likely replacing the 58 of the previous intermediate time, which would have been 40:58, with that 48 seen just before setting the next intermediate on my stopwatch and therefore erasing that previous one.
Ran using my regular shoes again, as I once again put them on by mistake. This time I realized it sooner, shortly after exiting the building, but I didn’t come back to change them, so that was likely worth a few seconds, and the route wasn’t clear either. Still, I started well and the first lap was fast, but I knew I couldn’t keep that up, so was actually thinking I should get 15:30 because otherwise I won’t have enough of a buffer later. And that was exactly what I managed, so I then aimed for 15:40 on lap two, managing to be just a little bit faster than that, and then ideally for 15:50 on the third, though I was also allowing myself to get to 16:00. And I sure needed that buffer, because I gave it everything, especially on that lap’s third sector, and only barely managed to be in between those two targets. With 16:00 I’d have had to be at least a second faster on the final sector in order to stay under 49 minutes, so that was really close… And my liver and other things in the area were hurting a fair bit after I was done.

Another thing that may have affected my performance just a little bit was being woken up by my phone ringing at about 11:50 AM that day, and then needing to quickly change my pants, dig through pockets for my keys, and open the door to receive a parcel my mother had ordered, since she was only getting back that evening. Dad had told me about it in the evening, but said it was supposed to arrive at about 2 PM or maybe just before that, actually saying that he means maybe 15 minutes or so before, not at noon. Well, no, it wasn’t at noon, it was actually even before noon, as the delivery guy apparently rang then and nobody answered, so he called my mother who then called me to wake me up. And I actually let the phone ring until she got bored of it the first time, only realizing what was probably going on and answering when she rang again.

And now it’s getting close to midnight and this quite surprising women’s US Open final already started, so I really should finish and post this. But before I do I also want to mention that I stuffed myself quite a lot during those days when I was alone during the day, and when I weighed myself after eating on Tuesday I saw 51.5. Admittedly, being immediately after stuffing myself, the comparison isn’t exactly right, but I’m quite sure I didn’t weigh more than that since Andra left… And what makes that rather funny is the fact that a guy who saw me at last Friday’s protest asked what was wrong with me because I had supposedly obviously lost at least five kilograms, which led to a rather awkward conversation, with me trying to convince him that he was wrong.
As far as I’m aware, used to normally weigh between 52 and 54 kilograms before then, though I was only weighing myself a couple of times per year, so variations wouldn’t have been noticed. But after not eating for days then, I ended up at 51, then at 50 after again not eating for days after being thrown back here. The first time I recall seeing 49 was after one of the big marches in 2013, when I also started to weigh myself regularly, being rather concerned by the drop. Still, 49 became pretty normal in 2015, probably due to running regularly, then as I increased the distance of the runs I saw 48, then more recently 47, and at one point even 46. Had returned to 48 or 49 more recently, but 51 and a half is quite something. Considering the circumstances, unlikely to be a sign of returning to what was my normal weight as a teenager, but may at least mark a return to the 50 or 51 that I considered my normal weight since being thrown back here.

Cracked just enough two nights ago to send someone I more recently started talking to, and very recently at length, a message saying I was having another moment of wondering how the heck didn’t I snap already. Or, of course, not really wondering, because I know the reason is that I’m too much of a coward and that takes balls. But if I wouldn’t have been such a coward I’d have killed myself back when Andra left, or after she returned to Romania and kicked me out of there, or at least within a reasonable amount of time after that, or perhaps even before meeting her in the first place, so I’d have never ended up snapping anyway, meaning that probably an even bigger reason is that I still am, and always was, too sane for this. And getting the reply that my brain knows snapping is not safe and has protections against it for that reason only confirmed that, as snapping isn’t supposed to be safe, it’s supposed to mean going out with a bang, so if those protections still function it means the whole thing is far from being far enough gone, that I am, probably unfortunately, far from sufficiently insane. Definitely unfortunately in case of being too much of a coward though.

Was also saying in that message that I’m thinking it’s the little things that make people snap more than the big issues. It’s one thing when you see the world going in what for you is the wrong direction and can find no place for you in it, but when little things pile up, when the stuff that really affects your daily life, specifically, is going in the wrong direction as well, when what you thought was actually working, or at least should be, gets turned around, when even some you thought were on the same side, or should be, push you and your views away, when you find yourself kicked out even from your hiding places, be they physical or mental, and when those hiding places themselves shrink or even completely vanish… That feels like something not only personal enough but also small enough for you to actually need to do something about, and to be able to do so. And when nothing reasonable, nothing safe, nothing that can be rationally seen as ethical or in some way acceptable, seems to work… But, again, that requires both balls and insanity.

And now that, due to all the snooping and monitoring, I got this, and myself, on various radars, or became a brighter spot on them, since I probably was there to some extent already, I’ll be adding the whole thing as well, because last evening I cracked a little further and sent that same person a huge message with a number of the recent issues, bigger and smaller, that got me to send that message the night before. And now I’m awake early anyway, after just a few hours of sleep, woken up the first time around 8:30 AM, probably by the noise dad made, then again less than 20 minutes later, after going to the bathroom and somehow actually managing to fall back to sleep that quickly, when the UPS started beeping since there was no power for a few minutes. Not that this will be posted early, since I’ll be editing that message a fair amount and maybe doing some other things and well, on and off, but since I stayed awake since then and my mind’s still there, not even having slept on it, as they say, enough to make a difference…

I actually started by telling her about that mess with Alma, but since I already mentioned that in a previous post, I won’t copy that part here as well. I will say that it’s not just that she posted such a message and has such views against not “earning your living” in particular, but that a whole lot do, including activists and so on. And I guess I should also mention that I wrote that it happened last week instead of two weeks ago, and that was after correcting myself, since I had started writing that it all happened over the past few days. Just another sign showing how overwhelmed and threatened I feel by all of this, I guess.
Then I got to the more recent things, continuing with the fact that I saw another post shared by Alma, this time about neutering cats. I didn’t comment there or say anything to her, but commented at length on the page it was originally from, also saving that message, as I did with the exchange about needing to “earn a living” and universal basic income as a momentary solution, hoping that at least one will become a blog post once translated and edited, though that doesn’t seem likely. Got a lengthy reply, but with the same old arguments, so just another reminder of how those who actually do love animals and make so many efforts for them end up genuinely believing that an abuse at least as bad as others that are banned or should be, such as devocalization, declawing, cropping ears or docking tails, and possibly worse considering the magnitude of the changes it causes in the organism, is not only acceptable but actually desirable, a good thing, and they legitimize and justify and perpetrate it on such a scale, wanting to even force everyone to do it. That’s the main reason why I stay well away from any movements or events for animals, and tend to oppose those on that side just as much as I oppose the fuckers who’d have them killed or held in dreadful conditions, or who just don’t give a damn that it’s happening.
But those were rather big things, and this latter one didn’t even actually affect me, and I was saying it’s the smaller things that directly affect one’s life, specifically, that likely make it worse. Such as the fact that there’s another discussion on the GOG forums after they released a card pack for GWENT, the discussion starting from microtransactions and of course quickly getting to GOG‘s general direction for at least the past three and a half years, if not for the past five and a half, and how there are just a handful left who keep arguing that they should have stuck to their principles, the main issue for me being the regional pricing thing, against those who just look at it from the business perspective and what sells and what has to happen because the market dictates it… Because the vast majority don’t give a damn about any of it, which is why the market dictates that way, because those just go along with what the big guys at the top want.
And then there’s Emsisoft‘s move, deciding to drop its Internet Security product and incorporate some basic controls for Windows Firewall in the basic Anti-Malware. In itself, that won’t affect me unless it’ll break compatibility with Comodo Firewall, since I was already using just their Anti-Malware, but the problem is the entire reasoning and speech, that the Windows Firewall is supposedly all anyone needs, firewalls being pointless otherwise, and this coming after they had dropped all other related functions from their products over the past couple of years, first removing HIPS, then dropping their Online Armor product, which was considered the other awesome firewall in the industry while it existed, more or less on par with Comodo‘s. And the discussion in the comments of the release announcement had me and basically one other person saying there are some people who still want control and monitoring, not just basic security and trusting programs to make decisions for them and just block malicious stuff, but letting us see what’s going on and decide for ourselves, with prompts and complex rules to be set if desired for every damn little thing, while the rest were saying we’re just a few lone rangers that nobody should care about, that nobody needs that stuff, which is just why it’s being dropped from security suites and why dedicated firewall software is vanishing completely, so good luck finding some other solution if you want it but it doesn’t matter, and you don’t matter, anyway. And after all I went through to find some security solution that seemed to still be sufficiently different from the rest, which had become intolerable and which keep going ever further in that wrong direction, having Emsisoft do the same is quite a perfect example of what I was saying.
Then there’s just the generic stuff about Windows, which I’m reminded of whenever the month’s patches approach or, for that matter, whenever I check AskWoody, with Microsoft still forcing its new direction on everyone, with the snooping and the forced updates, controlling and monitoring systems more and more and allowing users to do so less and less, plus the focus on mobile and on-line stuff, while those sticking to desktops, to older versions of Windows or other software, and even those sticking to the manual security-only updates, to avoid those other changes as much as they can, are being discarded more and more even by those who initially seemed to be on the same side, being seen as on the losing side and just needing to accept that this is how things are and how they’ll keep going… Or switch to Linux… Which is a problem due to stuff not working and security solutions not really being available, because you have the Linux user mindset stating that they’re not needed. Firewalls even more so, as I very clearly saw while using Linux for those few weeks about a year ago, when searching for an application-level firewall just led to banging my head against walls, largely just finding discussions where one person was asking for one and everyone else was telling them they don’t need it. Well, even if I don’t, it can even be said that I don’t absolutely “need” a computer either, not to just survive. But I want it, and there are some others who do too, so it should be readily available somewhere.
Then there was this thing with banks and cards, our Prime Minister saying a surprisingly good thing, about not putting his money in banks nor wanting to use cards, taking his pay in cash and purchasing with cash, and everybody lashing out against that, including all activists and groups, from all sides this time. Though they do so wrongly, pointing out what makes getting and holding jobs hard and how more jobs should be created, which again makes me oppose both sides just as much and find no room for myself, at least the leftists I know keep pushing back against the attack on NEETs and those on welfare, but on this issue everybody is on the same side, wondering how can anybody still want cash in this day and age, pushing for fully electronic payments, for everything done with a smartphone, which is another thing I don’t want to use, and I’m sitting here and thinking that must never happen and I’ll have none of it, not as long as money will still exist. The fact that they do and the economy is based on them being, of course, the other, and bigger, issue.
And, not that there were any recent discussions about these things, but since I’m in my room and on-line and on the topic of places to hide being taken away and things going in the wrong direction, was just reminding myself of the whole matter of insulating the building, since it’s been done for many others in the area and there keep being talks, everybody wanting ours done too, and I’m terrified by the prospect, spending several months, even over a year, as it was for this building next to mine, with scaffolding all around, workers possibly at the window at any moment and a lot of noise from morning to evening when in the morning I go to sleep! What the fuck am I going to do if that happens? And the materials and workmanship are crap and cause more problems than they solve, and it’d also mean problems with the network I’m in. Still desperate to stay in one of these networks of course, to not end up at RDS or one of the other big companies, and there is a cable going down from the top of the building, and insulation would mean something’d need to be done about that and no idea what or how or what it’d mean. And, to get to that issue in particular as well, there has of course been this drive against these networks in full force for several years now, the few remaining all withdrawing in their shells, just holding on to small areas, no longer hoping for more than to survive a bit longer, just to delay a demise seen as inevitable in the face of the three big players.
And, to get back to big issues, need I mention where any mention of population control, overpopulation or antinatalism goes? And that was brought to the forefront again now because our Minister of Labor and Social Justice made a comment regarding the decision to cap the benefits given to parents on maternity or paternity leave, stating that they could have made the cap much lower or even not offer any at all. Now I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way, but what she actually said was a good thing for once, but once again everybody on all sides is lashing out at just that. Even saw mocking messages saying that maybe parents should be taxed and those without children should be getting money, because they save the state money, and actually even describing how that’d work and why, making some of the right arguments, but all of it as a mockery, everyone bashing the ideas while I’m sitting here and thinking that’s exactly what should happen, at least as a first step, though of course nothing short of the full bans on breeding could ever be anywhere near enough. But no room for that anywhere…

So… Big things and little things, everything going wrong, everybody against what’d be right, whether it’s about things that should apply to all or about simply allowing me the option of making certain personal choices, and nowhere to run or hide. The world sucks and it’s not getting better in the ways that matter, I can’t even hide on my computer because things are going firmly and quickly in the opposite direction of what I want here too, it’s the same situation on-line in general as well, a time will probably come when I may not even be able to physically hide in my room, then if I go out and perhaps try to buy something, that may also soon become a problem, and I hate using money and purchasing things anyway. And… Think that paints a pretty clear picture…

At the end of that message, was again asking how come I didn’t snap yet, considering all of that and the lack of any motivation to really do anything, the fact that I’m not with her to say I’d have any personal life worth anything, and that I have no real hope to create a sufficiently significant desired change, at whatever level, but only constant and entirely justified fear of things getting even worse. Was told I can probably take much, much more, because people are built that way, and I’m more or less insulated from the world anyway, so all those things are rather external, my life not actually being on the line with any degree of true urgency, so that’s probably why I’m not snapping yet. But, while there is also some truth in that, I’ll stick to my explanations for it, too much of a coward and still too sane. Or maybe “not sufficiently insane” would be a better way to put it.
Was also told I’m not snapping because I’m not truly suicidal, but just very frustrated, which is correct. However, that reply continued with stating that I’m dealing with normal human existential problems, which I take issue with. I mean, to get back to an earlier part of the reply as well, I guess I can take more of this, but I most definitely shouldn’t, nor should anyone. And if this frustration and these existential problems would be “normal”, in the sense of the norm, of applying to most people, then we wouldn’t be here. But plenty agree with what’s going on in some way or another, most don’t care either way, or at least not enough to even consider doing anything about it, and most of those who disagree and initially care eventually stop themselves from doing so and “adapt”, making things ever worse for those who haven’t given up… And who haven’t yet snapped, for one reason or another.