Cav's Place

Large snowflakes are gently falling from the sky and everything is covered in a fluffy blanket of pure white… Blissful. And yet I’m sad and angry…
It’s been so many years since the last proper winter that, despite it still not matching the winters of my childhood, it should be a great reason for joy. And in a way it is. But that’s just a certain degree of contentment felt while looking out the window and seeing the snowfall and the whiteness, plus perhaps a little happiness when I go out and see snow everywhere. But this is not something to be enjoyed alone, so in the end it only serves as one more reminder of what I lost.

I just spent quite some time simply looking out the window, taking it all in, after creating a suitable playlist to listen to. At first I tried to sit on the heater, as I usually do when I’m looking at rain, but the very uncomfortable position was made even worse by the fact that it started feeling like it was burning my feet after a while. So I found a better place for myself, sitting on the corner of my desk, with just my feet on the heater, which was much more comfortable and also allowed me to move my feet enough to avoid feeling like they were getting burned.
But all I could do was hug myself, remember old times and perhaps dream a little of a pretty impossible future. Thinking of cuddling while watching the snowfall doesn’t exactly help if there’s nobody to cuddle with, and neither does going on walks through the snow and cold if there’s nobody to walk with, perhaps holding hands without gloves on until we’re all but frozen together or awkwardly trying to hug and kiss despite the clothes we’re wearing. And let’s not even talk about thinking of warming ourselves up with some passionate sex after coming back from such a walk or after simply opening a window…

There is little point in writing more right now. A significant portion of my anger may be caused by issues that affect the world and my sadness may be generally caused by personal problems, but they’re both currently enhanced by a simple fact: Moments of true winter remind me that nice things, happy things, beautiful things, can still happen, yet life reminds me that they don’t.
If nothing else, I’ll try to remember this picture of frozen bliss… It’s a reminder that Nature can still offer some small reasons for happiness, despite all of humankind’s attempts of turning that feeling into nothing more than a distant memory, or perhaps at most into the carrot at the end of the stick. Unfortunately, humans are winning everywhere, so even this may not last for much longer…
And I’ll dream. I’ll dream while I still can. At least in dreams, miracles are still possible, sometimes, both for myself and for the world. So I’ll keep on dreaming and try to force myself to keep on hoping, even when the hope is just a lie.

I went out and bought something for the third month in a row… Admittedly, last month I happened to find something I wanted for years when I had absolutely no intention of buying anything, which made it all that more likely for me to manage to do it, but this time and back in November it actually was planned, which would normally mean that my chances would be slim to none.
Not that it’s any less scary, but I learned what to expect from myself and how to handle it. There’s still no way I’ll actually walk up to someone and ask for something, but if we’re talking about a hypermarket where I can pick up everything myself and have all the time I need to wander around and prepare myself and then make the purchase pretty much without saying a single word to the cashier, I seem to be doing better by simply not trying to do any better.

What I mean is that, since I knew I’d need to get away after first approaching the register, I eyed something potentially interesting to look at nearby and went to do just that while I regained a bit of composure instead of wandering away as I used to do before. Then I didn’t even try to look at the cashier, as that was bound to turn my legs to water. Then I expected to keep shaking and fumble with everything, so I just allowed myself to drop and mess up everything and then casually kept picking up whatever I was dropping and putting things back together instead of getting all worked up trying to keep things straight and constantly failing. Then I knew very well I’d be completely disoriented, so instead of trying to find the exit and possibly getting lost I just kind of tuned out and allowed myself to wander around aimlessly for a while. And when I could think more or less straight again, I crouched next to a wall and checked my pockets and bags to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind… It probably was a bit of a show, if anyone was looking, but it worked…
Granted that the weather helped a lot as well. Snow really lifts my spirits… And, oddly enough, I think that little old lady asking me to help her get an apron she couldn’t reach helped too. (Not that I could reach it myself, so I ended up standing up on the toes of one leg and trying to work it loose with the tip of an index finger until I eventually managed to get it down for her…) It was an interaction that didn’t make me feel threatened in any way, which hardly ever happens, and also allowed me to be of some help by doing something that didn’t bother me.

But why do I think I’m nesting? This will sound silly, but it’s mainly because, after picking up what I originally went there for, I also got a little plastic trash can. It’s the first item that will constantly be visible in my room that I bought myself and also likely the first such item that was bought without being absolutely necessary since I got thrown back here. The scented candles and candle holder I bought some time ago don’t count because I only took them out of the drawer I put them in a few times, but this will always be visible, despite being placed under my desk, as out of the way as possible.
I wanted one for a long time because it was bothersome to need to place whatever I needed to throw away in a pile on my desk or floor and remember to take it and dump it into the kitchen garbage can when I went to eat at night. Plus that I keep feeling the need to walk my talk more and I was thinking I should figure out a way to recycle what little paper and plastic I do throw away. So now I’ll have something to store those things in until I’ll gather more than a handful and then, hopefully, dispose of them properly in an appropriate location, the nearest being a few minutes away from here.
But that makes my mind go down paths I don’t exactly like, because doing anything for this place could imply accepting living here, which is a defeat I really can’t deal with. Of course, anything that can be carried away to another place isn’t exactly a problem, because it could count as preparation for moving to said other place, but it’s still an uncomfortable thought. This will again sound silly, but the fact that there was such a small plastic trash can on the desk while I was living with Andra likely helps a lot…

But that’s not all. I also bought a roll of a certain type of cheese that I like, which marks the first time I bought food for myself. My eyes fell on it while I was trying to work up the courage to walk to the register and I noticed that the price was almost exactly as much as I’d have left on me after paying for the other two items, so I just grabbed it as well.
That once again gets my mind on paths that’ll require time sorting out. They deal with my ability to live with a friend, if I’ll ever have one I could actually end up living with, or even my chances of survival alone, albeit with dad supplying me with the things I couldn’t obtain or make without actually interacting with anyone and being available when such interaction would be required for other reasons as well. This, of course, makes me wonder what could have happened with Andra if I could have managed to do these things at least five years earlier. In turn, that makes me blame myself both for doing these things now and for not figuring out a way to do them back then. But since right now we’re basically just talking about random occurrences, it means I’m still far from being actually able to do these things even now, so it’d have been utterly impossible back then, which actually just makes me blame myself even more.

Yes, I know it all sounds so very stupid to you, whoever you are. But I don’t care what you think. I just have a lot of things to sort out right now, and you may well say it’s all because of a little trash can… And the fact that dad noticed the roll of cheese and told me he’ll leave me some more money to cover what I paid for it just makes it worse. I need to sort it out myself well before I’m able to deal with him noticing any of it! The simple fact that a person I have to live with but desperately wish I didn’t has noticed something that triggered these thoughts, even if he doesn’t have the slightest clue about it, is something I really can’t deal with right now. So now I’m feeling like the worst piece of shit just because I bought some food. Literally.

You could say that this happened to me once before, but I think I’m already past that level and it’s only day three. I’m talking about me getting rather hooked on a trailer for a game and watching it a rather insane number of times for at least a few days in a row. Should go without saying that I’m also sending the link to pretty much everyone I’m talking to.
The trailer in question is the Final Fantasy XIII international trailer, which can perhaps make it all even weirder since I couldn’t play it even if I wanted to, seeing as it’s only for consoles, and I wouldn’t particularly want to anyway, considering how frustrating I find JRPGs or any other games that use that kind of combat system or gameplay in general. Then again, the Final Fantasy series is known for good stories, which made me struggle through the only two titles that have made it to the PC, namely Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy VIII, not to mention that I also played Septerra Core and am now playing Anachronox, which both use that kind of gameplay…
Getting back to the trailer in question, I find it highly unlikely that anyone will come up with a better one this year, despite the complaints that many seem to have about replacing the original Japanese theme song in general and the exact song it was replaced with in the international version in particular. Not impossible, certainly, but highly unlikely. This is simply something that makes you say that games are truly becoming movies that also allow you to get involved in the action, even if that action often detracts from the story. And that impression is only strengthened once you also see the longer TGS ’09 trailer.
Judging from what I see here and what I know about the Final Fantasy series in general, I’ll say that the story of Final Fantasy XIII will be one worth watching, though the game itself will likely be frustrating at best. It would probably turn out really well if made into a movie, as long as they’d do it properly that is…

I must shamefully admit that I first heard of Sea Shepherd a few months ago, when I happened to stumble upon the last few minutes of an episode of Whale Wars on Animal Planet. Actually, at first I was simply amazed that such green warriors exist and that, instead of dealing in secrecy and fearing discovery, there’s even a show about them. The embarrassment came a little later, when I tried to find out more and realized they’ve been doing this for over 30 years and that the show wasn’t exactly new either.
My embarrassment aside, this is the kind of people we need if we are to get anything done for the environment and the other species we share this planet with. Petitions, speeches and peaceful protests only go so far, and unfortunately we’re long past the time when we could afford to wait for such methods to work. People have made it clear that they won’t listen if you talk to them nicely, so such methods, and far worse, are what’s required now and I’m very pleased to see that at least a small number of people are willing to do what needs to be done.
As for Paul Watson himself, he does seem to have egocentric and even dictatorial tendencies and openly advocates making up facts, figures and stories when you need to draw attention to an issue and persuade people to agree with you, which makes him less than trustworthy. In an ideal world, he’d be a real problem. In this world, however, it makes him the right person for the job, because his attitude means he’s trying to beat the powers that be at their own game and may even have a chance to do so, or at least a chance to win as many victories as any one man can.

But the recent major event is the ramming of the Ady Gil, one of Sea Shepherd’s two new vessels which were supposed to take part in this year’s fight against the Japanese whaling fleet and potentially their “secret weapon”, considering the capabilities of that ship. That article includes the video captured from aboard the Japanese ship, and there are two other videos available, one captured from aboard the Ady Gil and the other from aboard the other Sea Shepherd vessel that was in the area at the time. There is also a side-by-side comparison of the two relevant videos, since the one captured from aboard the Ady Gil ends just before the impact, as the cameraman scrambled out of the way.
What is obvious is that the Ady Gil turned on its engines just before the impact, which the Sea Shepherd statement said was an attempt to get out of the way by going in reverse. However, it appears to be going forward a little at the last moment, thereby making the impact even more damaging. For me, that wouldn’t be so surprising, firstly because I’m not even sure how well can such a specialized vessel go in reverse, making an attempt to end up alongside the Japanese vessel by steering sharply away while going forward sound likely, and secondly because it’s very hard to both make up your mind and make your orders understood when a much larger vessel is seconds away from ramming into you, while under water cannons and through that dreadful noise generated by the Japanese vessel’s LRAD. Yet there are others who claim that the Ady Gil deliberately caused the collision in order to have something else to blame the Japanese for.
Another thing that seems pretty obvious is that the Japanese vessel did indeed steer towards the Ady Gil, which should make those claims I just mentioned quite pointless. In order to observe this, you should ignore the videos filmed from aboard the two vessels involved, because they can only reveal one ship’s movement relative to the other, and focus on the one filmed from aboard the Bob Barker, which is the other Sea Shepherd ship that was in the area. If you look carefully, you can see the Japanese vessel steer towards the Ady Gil before the Ady Gil starts moving forward, and that’s made obvious by the fact that the Japanese vessel starts leaning in the opposite direction, which is how large vessels behave while turning.

But let’s take it from another angle and look at what each side would have to gain and what would they have to lose from this.
Sea Shepherd is certainly gaining a lot of publicity and support, while they also manage to tarnish the Japanese fleet’s public image even more. That would seem like a lot, but the price seems to be too high. The loss of a very special vessel, worth two million dollars, on its first mission doesn’t sound like something desirable, especially when this would require the owner of said vessel, who donated it to Sea Shepherd along with his services, to basically sink his own masterpiece and risk six lives in the process. But the greater loss is the loss of potential, because the presence of the Ady Gil meant that they had the upper hand on the Japanese whaling fleet for the first time, as the Steve Irwin and the Bob Barker could have kept the two Japanese security ships busy, leaving the rest of the whaling fleet open to attacks from the very fast and maneuverable Ady Gil, which would have had a very good chance to destroy their nets, jam their engines and cause all sorts of other problems.
The Japanese, however, seem to have very little to lose as a result of this, since their public image is bad enough already, the risk of being held accountable for the action appears to be pretty low and the large difference in size between the two vessels made the ramming about as safe as any such operation could ever be. On the other hand, making sure that the Sea Shepherd fleet does not outnumber their security vessels is a huge gain for them, preventing just the scenario I described at the end of the previous paragraph.

Taking everything into consideration, I can conclude that, while the Ady Gil did make things worse by trying to move at the last moment, the Japanese vessel had both the motive and the intention to ram them. On the other hand, I also have to admit that I will not stop supporting the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society if I’ll later find out that they somehow staged this whole incident. I’ll say it was a very stupid move, considering what they could have used the Ady Gil for, but I’ll forgive them simply because they are on the right side of a good fight and this world needs many more like them.

The story continues, though it may seem a little too fragmented at times. The deeper plot is still very obviously there for anyone who is interested in it and I really want to know how it will all turn out in the end. I must note that the beauty of the world is seriously lessened, though that is perfectly normal considering what’s going on.
One real complaint I have is the fact that basically every chapter ends with a cliffhanger, which makes it feel more like a writing exercise at times. But the moments when there’s a break in the action in order to make room for character development are quite brilliant.

Rating: 4/5