Cav's Place

I think this post will cover the time after I moved in with her, before she met him. Perhaps a couple of things from my previous post should be here and a couple of things from this one should be in the previous one instead, but I can’t place them that accurately anymore… It should be a shorter post, though. The first one had 36 “images” that happened over two weeks, the second had 62 and it covered almost 14 months. This one will cover 21 months and I’m expecting it to be shorter than the previous one, isn’t that strange?

Her grabbing my hand and pulling me back to say she’s not asleep yet and couldn’t sleep without me next to her after I thought she was asleep once and tried to get up and go to the computer since I wasn’t sleepy myself.
Hugging her, burying my head in her hair and saying I loved her after she fell asleep. Did that on most nights, or mornings or whatever they were, after she told me to stop saying it and start proving it one time too many. If I had to choose one thing I miss the most, I think this would be it, as strange as it is since it’s not something she did…
Both of us reading in the bathtub, which usually turned into her reading while I was masturbating her. Sometimes that’d turn into some quick sex or I’d get some oral, but more often than not I’d make her come like that and then came on her myself.
Having the maid her mother hired come on Tuesdays. Us waking up to let her come clean our room only to move to the living room, somehow squeeze together on the couch and go back to sleep holding tightly to each other.
New Year’s. The two of us, her brother and his girlfriend, Delia. They were pretty much broken up at the time but he had invited her before he ended it so he kept his word. Midnight, Andra kissed me and Delia was crying her eyes out. He didn’t seem to care while me and Andra didn’t know what to do (or if we knew what we didn’t know how) to calm her down. Andra went to bed around 1:30 and eventually I went to our room as well. Spent some time on the computer, then got myself in bed next to her, though not before her brother came in to say something and caught me with my pants down since I was just changing clothes.
Dad coming to visit, taking us out for a pizza and me and her starting to fight over how to share ours. He quickly “had to go to the bathroom”. We were just laughing about the whole thing by the time he got back.
Being taken to a doctor while dad was also there and lashing out at doctors in general after getting out. Her saying that if it weren’t for doctors Bubu would have been dead by now. That was too much, so I just turned around and walked away alone. Eventually managed to find my way back home while apparently they were still searching for me around that area (dad didn’t want to believe I could have gone somewhere on my own). Packing my things as soon as I got in, then getting in bed and crawling under the blanket.
Later that evening, she said dad asked if I’m serious about packing my bags and she told him I wasn’t. Then stopped and asked if I really wasn’t.
Same doctor, a week or so later. Him needing to look at my cock and balls and asking if I’d like her to get out of the room. She said “I don’t think it’s me he’s worried about, I think it’s you”. Got that right…
The first time she shaved my head. I felt like crap looking like that.
Pufi (the older female cat) needing surgery. Me being worried sick while she and her mom were with her at the vet. Pufi getting back all bandaged and drowsy. Trying to go to Bijou (the younger female cat) for comfort but Bijou not recognizing her anymore and becoming aggressive, leaving Pufi very hurt and confused. Me staying awake until morning, so for nearly 24 hours straight, to look after her while the others slept. Letting her out of my sight for a moment and having her try to jump on the heater and then fall off. Finally going to bed after Andra woke up only to be woken up by her brother shouting only a few minutes later.
Being dragged along when she had to meet with somebody since she didn’t want to go out without me. Both me and that guy feeling very awkward about the whole thing. She realized it afterwards and didn’t press the next time.
Her pissing me off just a couple of days before her brother left for Spain. After a little argument in our room her brother called her and after she went to him and he asked what took so long she said, loudly, that some asshole was holding her up. I just flew out of the room in a rage and started shouting at her. Her brother got in between us, I started shouting at him, then she got between me and him…
The next day she was furious that we were late somewhere and I was apparently taking too long to take a piss for her liking. This being after she had spent some two hours getting ready. She started shouting and I just rushed to her, stopped so close our noses were touching and very calmly kept asking her to go to our room and talk about it if she has a problem while she kept shouting and pushing. Her brother hid in the living room and was just poking his head out. Later, he said that after seeing us both at our worst she’s clearly worse when angry than I am.
Once when we fell asleep in a pile, naked and with the room door open, after having sex. Wondering if her grandmother came by and saw us like that after we woke up, since she came by on most days.
Easter there. Me wanting to go to church the night before since I was still celebrating it at the time, being the only Christian thing that ever had some meaning to me. Her grandmother being happy that at least one of us is interested in such things and wanting me to go with her, but I didn’t want to and eventually went alone to another church. Got lost in the graveyard while trying to get back afterwards. Came back with mud up to my knees and Andra had some fun at my expense before getting angry when I meant to take the candle I had brought from church into our room.
She was having fun talking with a friend of hers while pretending she was me and that I had found someone else and planned to leave her. I was quite pissed off. So was the friend, after he found out.
Her mother had asked us to hang some sheets out to dry so I got to it. About one hour later I was still struggling with them. She poked her head out to ask if I’m still not done, I said yes, she sighed and went back in. This actually amused me even then.
Taking a shower together during a time when she really wasn’t in the mood for anything. Ending up having a quickie standing up, facing each other, with her pressed against the wall. I asked what got into her and she said she didn’t do anything, I just “took” her, and reminded me that the hardest part is to get her started.
Our worst period, sexually, when she wouldn’t even hear of it. I was climbing the walls and a friend was telling me enough is enough and I should tell her that unless she does her part to fix this I’ll leave. Considered it for the briefest moment, but then told him I’ll never leave her, no matter what.
Going to the doctor to have her birth control pills changed because the ones she was on were making her not want to have sex at all. I waited, she came out and said her doctor asked why’s it important to want to have sex. She said for her it isn’t and her doctor sighed and said she understands. Great, so I was the bad guy for wanting to do something with my girlfriend…
Was masturbating in our room while she was taking a bath. She came back sooner than I thought she would, startled me and that somehow made me come unexpectedly. Messy situation, literally.
A night when I was watching porn and masturbating when she woke up to go to the bathroom. She stopped next to me and looked oddly. I asked if I’m not even allowed to jerk off now. She just said she didn’t say anything and smiled.
The end of that period. Taking a shower together after two and a half months without sex (and it had been two months between the last two times too). I hadn’t even masturbated in the last three weeks, too frustrated even for that. She turned her back towards me, leaned against the wall, spread her legs a little and told me I have exactly five seconds. I was confused, so she pushed against me a little and said the clock’s ticking. After all that time, let’s just say that I didn’t even need the full five seconds… After that we slowly started to solve our problems in that aspect.
We did it while she was on her period, she had an orgasm and then immediately got up and went down on me. I was surprised and after I was done she asked if it was because she put her own blood in her mouth. At that moment she was hardly bleeding at all so I was more surprised by her doing what she did the way she did than that.
Taking a bath together, ending up doing things, I had just brought her to orgasm and she was starting to do something to me when her mom knocked on the door saying she needs to go to the bathroom. I stopped her and tried to get up, but she held me down and started masturbating me vigurously. I stopped her again, she said “your loss, I’m not going to do anything to you after we get out” and we rushed out. Once we got to our room I said “you realize you’d have left semen clogging the drain if we didn’t have time to clean up, right?”. Apparently she hadn’t. She didn’t stick to her word of not doing anything after getting out of the bathroom, thankfully.
We were coming back with Bubu from the vet and she wanted to go buy some things since we were out anyway. I went up with him but then realized she had the keys. We waited for her for about 20 minutes, him getting more and more agitated. When she finally got back and I told her why we were there she said she realized that as soon as we split up, but didn’t think to run after me. Annoying then, funny now.
Her “metal” phase. Downloaded lots and lots of songs and had me sort them. Especially when I spent three days sorting through a huge mess of Nightwish songs only to have her delete them after I was done because she found them already sorted in somebody else’s share and thought that looked nicer. Something else that’s funny only in hindsight.
The e-card she sent me to say she loves me but just can’t say it to my face. This should stand out far more than it can in writing…
All her disbelief in such things being turned around the moment she went to her grandparents and bumped into a healer her grandmother found for her grandfather when the doctors didn’t seem to be of much help anymore. That woman apparently just turned to look at her and told her what her problems were. She came back very excited and saying she’ll go have sessions with her and learn everything.
I started being a believer as well after she persuaded me to go, saw some results and managed to twist things around and explain them through my own belief system. One night me and Andra tried meditating together but she kept giggling.
An evening when she was in the living room and called me over from our room to give her a pen that was just out of her reach. She said she just didn’t feel like getting up. I think you know you love someone when something like that makes you want to hug them and not hit them.
Having the house all to ourselves for the holidays. Trying out each room and various positions one evening. What really stuck was when she was trying to ride me on the living room couch. We were just fooling around, having a laugh, not really doing much.
New Year’s. Our best and last together. Finally alone and being able to do whatever we wanted. We called it “junk food New Year’s” since that was basically all we had. We were too sick of setting the table and going through courses like before, so we didn’t bother with anything now that we didn’t have to anymore. Going out on the balcony from her brother’s old room, hugging tightly and freezing our butts off to watch the fireworks.
Her walking around the house naked one day. Got to the kitchen window, I hugged her, then she jumped, realized she could be seen, pushed me away and ran back covering her face with her hands.
Going to a small shop she found with a lot of organic things, herbal medicine, aromatherapy oils and other such things. She went in, I waited outside… She came out over one hour later.
Her waking me up very roughly one day by accidentally dropping her cell phone right on one of my eyes. Now that hurt! She seemed amused…
All the struggle to help Bubu pull through his health problems. Especially one visit to a vet that we were referred to because the problem had gotten worse than any of the other two were comfortable with handling. She was in there with him for a long time while I just paced around outside, worried sick.
The time we thought Bubu was going to die. I was a wreck, but she just refused to believe it, kept saying he has to pull through and that we’ll do it our way, not the way the doctors suggested since that seemed very bad for him. Looking for solutions and then being my job to give him the pills and teas and everything else two or three times per day, every day from then on until I was kicked out. Maybe you can say that she pulled me through and I pulled him through.
Me being worried about a possible health problem and leaving her a message about it on the computer, then locking myself in her brother’s old room and staying there for several hours. She had to go to school that day and apparently hadn’t taken her clothes from that room. Didn’t really mind, said it gave her an excuse to stay home.
Actually being taken to a doctor by her and her mom because of that. Freaking out before going, screaming and crying on the balcony, looking about as frightened as Bubu who was right next to me and wondering what was going on. She was really pissed. Freaked out while there as well and threw up on the way back.
Her telling me later that night that I need therapy for this. Also mentioning that dad talked to her about this when he came by back then and told her to never tell me. He had also arranged with a doctor he took me to then to tell me “things that were supposed to mean you should find a therapist”. Didn’t work…
After exchanging some e-mails with my dad, he asked her if that’s it and she’d like him to come pick me up. She turned towards me and said “doesn’t it just make you feel so much better knowing he trusts what we have so much?”.
Her staying at a friend’s place in Bucharest for a few days to apply for a training camp. Me thinking I’m chatting with that friend until she played along when I made a sexual joke. That made me suspect something, but I didn’t see any reason for her to do it so I ignored it… Until she eventually said it was her, acting as her friend.
Her not having the presentation for her final paper (don’t know how to call it to explain more clearly what I’m talking about to people from other countries) done the night before she had to present it. She slept while I worked on it based on her notes. Barely managed to finish before she had to leave. Cursed all through that night. She complained about the cursing.
We were out and the bottom of one of my shoes came off. Luckily we were close to home so I could rush up and glue them back together. She had some fun at my expense.

I guess that pretty much gets us to the moment she met him. I told you this was going to be shorter… It actually has 46 “images”, not that many more than the first one which is covering only two weeks! Then again, this series of posts became more than I intended it to be, since a lot of the “images” written here (for example over a third of the previous post) are things I remembered while writing the “flashes”. They’re still not things I have to actually try to remember though.
I’m quite happy for doing this, though. There are far more things I remember than what I’m writing here, now that I’m going through it in my mind, and far more details I could say about each. I’m just posting the flashes (even if some of them happen while I’m thinking about the rest and not out of nowhere) and only the things that, to me, are directly related to our relationship (or the cats, I consider the cats as being part of what we had). For example anyone knowing the story might notice that there’s nothing here about the book club, and that was an important part of everything…

The problem is that memories are fewer and more faded as time goes on, and flashes even more so. The beginning and the end are very fresh in my mind and most flashes are either from one or the other. The more I advance into the relationship, the less I seem to remember. A good part of the time we spent living together is just a haze, until it becomes crystal clear once again towards the end. Pehaps it makes sense, for a lot of reasons, plus that it seems I’m forgetting the bad things more often than not, but how many good moments are slipping away as well? But I’ll just pick up from where I left off in my last post… Just the flashes, moments frozen in time, many of them likely in the wrong order… This is deeply personal, treat it as such.

Getting picked up from the train station, her mom’s (future) boyfriend driving and pointing out the best places to find prostitutes. Us struggling to keep our eyes and hands off each other while in the car.
Getting to her place. Her brother opening the door. Wondering what am I getting myself into.
In her room, seeing the cats, asking how can she tell them apart. Funny, considering that at some point I became able to figure out what each of them meant to express by their posture, facial expression or the tone of their “voice”. Then, later, saying “it’s so nice to have some little souls around you like this”.
The time I apparently punched her in my sleep when she was trying to wake me up. She locked herself in her brother’s room and for several hours I thought I was alone in the house, wondering where everyone was. Took quite a while to get her to let me in, then even longer to figure out why she was so upset.
Trying to make her let me send dad an e-mail to “cancel” the one I had sent before, after a fight. Actually, first trying to get into his account and delete it, but I didn’t manage that.
The time we had sex while she was upset with me and said we were just friends. Both of us close to orgasm and me asking if this is what friends usually do. Her saying yes while breathing heavily. Then looking at each other in a way that said more than words ever could.
Waking her up one night because her brother had apparently unplugged a cable, Internet access was down and I was too shy to go to him and say something.
Watching a porn movie she said she liked. She wouldn’t do anything during it so I just played with myself for all the two hours it lasted. Her asking how could I even keep it up for so long.
One time when she initially didn’t want to do anything since it was that time of the month, but then decided she wanted to “play” with me and said to tell her when I’m getting close so she’ll stop because she doesn’t want to go all the way. So I do, but she just gets more determined. I say “you should really stop now if you don’t want me to finish”, she doesn’t… Afterwards she just says “you could have made more effort to stop me” and laughs.
The time I “tormented” her for some two hours before finally getting her over the edge. She was wild that night, threatening to tear my clothes off (since I kept them on most of the time), trying to get me to get her off by force after a while… Never saw her like that again, though I always meant to do something like that for her one more time. Never got around to it and I really regret that.
All the scratches and bites I was getting from Bubu (the male cat), which surprised everyone since he was so nice all the time. But she was “his”, so I had to fight for my right for a while I guess.
How Bubu always got in between us when we went to bed. How he knew the moment we got in bed and rushed in even if he was in another room.
The face she made whenever I went to kiss her after doing oral to her.
Her saying “I make a lot of noise in my head” and me replying with “this might come as a surprise to you, but I’m not a telepath” whenever I complained that she was so quiet during sex and I had nothing to guide me.
Last night before coming back here. Candlelight sex. Tears. Regrets. Hopes.
Her coming here for my birthday. Giving me the first three Harry Potter books and the teddy bear in the evening, after keeping them hidden until then. My usual reaction to gifts, especially since I felt quite embarrassed for getting something like that… If I only knew then how that teddy bear would become my lifeline…
That night, her driving me crazy and pretty much paying me back for the two-hour “torment” I mentioned above. She never did something quite like that again either. It was quite a struggle before she allowed me to do something for her too… At some point she was riding me and said I should assume I hired her for the night, so to just tell her what I want and she’ll do it because that’s her job. That sort of spoiled it for me a little because that’s not how I wanted to see her, not even for a moment, but overall that night was the best present I ever got, though just the fact that she came to spend that day with me would have been enough in itself.
A moment, I don’t know if it was that same night or some other night when she was here and had me far too worked up, when she was trying to very gently put a condom on me so I could get inside of her and come like that. It didn’t work, I was too close and the touch brought me over the edge. The instant she realized I’m past the point of no return she switched from being very careful to touch me as little as possible to masturbating me vigorously. That loss of control was great, though afterwards I felt like shit and she had to struggle to calm me down.
While I’m at it, that look she used to give me when I was about to come after she was already satisfied and everything was well between us. It simply made all problems go away each and every time. Also, giving her orgasms, mainly when I could see her face right at that moment. Probably has a lot to do with how I see sex, as something far beyond the physical.
Lying in bed and her saying she did something really bad and doesn’t know if I’ll be able to forgive her. I ask what did she do, she asks what’s the worst thing she could do to me, I say “dump me”, she says “besides that”, I say “as long as we’re together, other things don’t really matter”. She lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment and then says she read all my passworded documents. I just hugged her and told her to just ask next time.
I was playing Arcanum while she was in bed. At some point she starts to giggle, I turn to look and realize she had just masturbated. I ask why did she do that and she said it seemed I was busy so she took care of herself. I asked if she considered telling me she was in the mood to see what I’d do before deciding I wouldn’t care and she said she just didn’t think it was the case.
Me sending her sex stories I was writing while we were apart again. The day she said she had eight orgasms while reading them, twice her previous “record”. Getting “rewarded” with one written by her involving two flies on the bathroom wall. Too funny to be annoyed.
The time she said she printed out one of my stories and went to read it while taking a bath, but just broke down and started crying and couldn’t stop for a long time. The long talk we had after that, the worries, the frustration that I couldn’t be there to hold her close until all the bad thoughts went away.
The night we tried cybering and after things got “serious” she let me type alone for about three minutes and then said “I’m done, what are you waiting for?”. My first thought was “that was fast”, followed by “I had both hands on the keyboard apparently helping you along, what do you think I’m waiting for?” and then hurrying to “catch up”.
The time she took that pill her stupid doctor gave her for the yeast infection, which didn’t get rid of the problem (made it immune to pretty much everything else) but had her spend the night sitting on the toilet and throwing up. Frustrating that I couldn’t be there with her once again.
Getting a message from her saying she has a really important talk with her family. Later explaining that they went through a lot of topics and she eventually told them what was really going on between us, which seemed to come as a complete shock to them.
Right before New Year’s, here. Her being surprised that the teddy bear looks “so clean”. I asked if she expected it to be all sticky and she said that’s sort of what she was thinking, since it was from her. It never even crossed my mind…
New Year’s. Her getting drunk even though she hardly drank anything and then spending about an hour and a half contradicting herself about a movie. Then she was getting rather bold on the living room couch the moment my parents were leaving the room, even if only for a few seconds.
Eventually we went to my room in the morning and tried to have sex. Didn’t quite work out right, she was still a bit drunk, I was tired… While I was trying to do her from behind she just said “maybe this is a sign we aren’t meant to be”. Not the best way to start the year…
At her place, the first time I went there after she had that talk with her family. Us being in the room, with the lights off and the TV on while her mom and brother were still awake. There was a horror movie on HBO. She put the blanket on the floor, saying “I bet they’re waiting for the slightest squeak to know what we’re doing now”. Having sex while commenting on the movie and talking about other random things.
At her place, during the finals, though I don’t remember if they were the winter or the summer ones. Looking through her Finance manual and asking if I can tear it apart and throw it away after a single page. Yes, it was that annoying!
Around the same time, her wanting to see if she could study while having sex since she didn’t seem to get anywhere otherwise anyway. Me going at it while she was trying to find positions in which she could read at the same time. She said it helped a bit, I was just amused.
She, her mom, her mom’s boyfriend, her brother and her brother’s girlfriend gathering in her brother’s room just to “socialize”. Me being invited insistently, finally trying to go, taking one look inside that room and running back to her room. Pulling the blanket over my head and not coming out for quite some time.
She was trying to study but was feeling naughty at the same time, so she decided to masturbate me through my pants, gently and stopping whenever it seemed I was really getting into it. At some point I forced myself to stop responding completely and she went at it until I came without her realizing it. She was a little pissed…
Her coming from the bathroom with a piece of bloody tissue in her hand (I mean bodily tissue, not the kind you wipe something with) and saying that’s what she has to put up with every month. No, I didn’t get sick.
Her talking with her mom and her mom’s boyfriend about buying sex toys. Me making my way to the living room to listen to the conversation and wonder at how close-minded that guy could be.
Her ordering one of them, being unhappy with it after getting it (box appeared to have been opened) and going to the shop right away to have it replaced. Then trying it out and being disappointed.
Winter. The day she came to me after lunch with her family at her grandparents and said her mom’s boyfriend made her mom want to kick me out and there’s nothing we can do.
Next morning, sneaking out with her and her brother to catch the morning train before her mom woke up, to avoid any scandals. Lots of tears and promises since she couldn’t come with me just then.
Her coming here as soon as she could. The talk she had with her grandmother on the phone, saying she won’t come back or even talk with her mom until I can go back there without any problems.
Fooling around one night. She didn’t want to do anything more so in the end she just masturbated me in a towel using just the tips of her fingers while we were sitting in bed, facing each other. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but my mind seems to think differently.
Sort of making out one evening, though nothing much was happening since she didn’t feel like it so we were talking more than anything else. Still, the window was wide open and the lights on. At some point she realized we might as well sell tickets, but didn’t seem as bothered as she would have been at any other time.
Easter, here. Parents away and she wanted to take a shower together. That turned into fooling around, she did oral and said she wants me to come on her tits, which I did. I think it’s the only time she actually asked for that, still don’t know what got into her.
Going on a walk together since she wanted to see the city. I certainly didn’t but just tagged along, as always. Becoming rather lost for a moment.
Discovering used book stores around here. Her getting really excited about it. Spending quite a lot of time in one of them and me pointing out some rather silly things.
Getting oral on the living room couch while we didn’t know when the creature was going to get back home. We were done in time, but just barely.
Me trying to persuade her to do it on my parents’ bed since it was bigger and nicer. We never did, mainly because she didn’t want to see herself in the mirror that’s in front of it.
The morning when she had to leave and then, out of nowhere, said we’re breaking up that very moment if I don’t come with her. I told dad that I’m going and need a ticket and was all packed up and ready to go in 20 minutes, crying my eyes out. Dad kept asking if I’m all right and if I really want to go. I was crying both because I was scared that we might actually break up and because I was happy that I could spend more time with her, but certainly not because I didn’t want to go.
Her also starting to play Arcanum and getting hooked on it. Eventually she got past the point where I was stuck, despite having a really poor party. I never managed to get past that point.
Me picking her up from the train station by myself, barely knowing how to get there and very uncertain I was going to be on time. I was, though.
Getting here after a show we wanted to watch had already started. Both of us piling up on an armchair in the kitchen and watching it while making out. That was an interesting piece of multitasking.
Her telling me to drop my pants so she could get busy the morning she had to leave, just minutes before the time she was supposed to leave to catch the train. Dad was already up and walking around, since he was going to drive. With my door not locking, it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he didn’t come in. She said I owe her one after I was done.
At her place. Her talking with the creature on the phone, apparently being told to make me go back to school by any means necessary if she really loves me. She replied “I do love your son, ma’am, and just because I love him I won’t do that. In the time we spent together I have come to realize that going back would destroy him and I don’t want that to happen. If you know him less after being with him since he was born than I do after one year, I feel sorry for you.” and ended the conversation.
Her not wanting me to sleep unless she did because she didn’t want to go to bed without me so she wanted me to be sleepy when she was. That caused a real problem when she stayed awake for some 40 hours once. At the end I could barely breathe anymore and she felt like going out. I just very quietly said “you will get in bed and go to sleep, now” and she did, thankfully.
Going to the pottery fair. Her getting stuff and telling me to pick something as well so it wouldn’t be just for herself. I didn’t want anything but in the end I picked something decorative. Treasured items now, of course.
The time she blindfolded me. Initially said she’d tie my hands too, but then changed her mind and only told me not to touch her and she just masturbated next to me. After a while we switched, but when she asked dubiously if I really wanted to blindfold her too I decided against it, just told her not to look while I “took care of her”.
Might have been the same day, just after that part, but I don’t know. I had just finished and she got on top of me right away, causing me to come again immediately. Only time that happened and I certainly wasn’t happy about it, but she was just laughing. I wanted to try a third time but she got bored of trying to get me up again after a few minutes.
Rushing with her to her grandparents’ place when she knew they were away for a short while, so I could take a shower since there was no hot water at her place those days.
Dad picking me up from there. She stayed with me in the car for a few minutes and when she said bye and got out I tried to reach for her hand and hold her back. I missed and wondered all the way back if dad realized what I meant to do. That was when I decided this can’t go on anymore and I need to move in with her.
Me taking her to the train station by myself, early in the morning, wondering how I was going to get back.
Apart again, discussing how I could move in with her there since it was unlikely that the creature would let me if she knew my plans. Her saying that from their talks she’s certain I won’t be allowed to go there again until after my birthday. Making plans to leave as soon as possible after that.
Getting there, knowing it’s for good while dad thought it was just another visit. Thinking things are finally working well for us…

I guess that’s another part of it, the time we spent actually living together will come later… Maybe…
It might seem that I’m focusing too much on sex, but I didn’t ask you. I’m just saying what I remember without really trying to, the flashes I get, nothing more, nothing less.

Since this is the last would-have-been anniversary before getting to be hurt longer than I was in the relationship, I’m trying to figure out exactly when that’ll happen. But it depends on the day I consider as the day we broke up. I don’t think that will ever be clear, but I tend to take the day she left as the day we broke up, though if you think things through it seems the least likely out of all the options. Still, if it’s that day then the tipping point should be December 12th… Exactly five months from now. Sure, a lot can happen in five months, but that’d be nothing short of a miracle and I seem to have been found unworthy of any of those.

I’m just sitting here and remembering bits and pieces, perhaps reliving some of them… It’s terrible and wonderful at the same time. Yes, far more terrible than wonderful, considering how things stand, but I wouldn’t give up what we had for anything. I wouldn’t give up what I’m feeling for anything either, regardless of how much it hurts. The feelings, memories and precious few items I still have that I can somehow connect to her are all I have left. And the pain they cause is infinitely better than the nothingness that would be left without them. But enough about that. Here’s our relationship in the flashes that are running through my mind…

The first time we met, exactly six years ago. We had no idea how it would turn out, just hoped we’d manage to go on that vacation together and really thought we’d do it as just friends. Train station, me looking right at her as she got off the train but thinking that can’t be her. But then she caught up to me, struggling to drag her luggage after her, and pulled on my sleeve.
Later that day, sitting on my bed with quite a bit of distance between us. I got a strange urge to tell her I like her eyes, so I did. She rolled them and said I’m not the first to say that, but it doesn’t work with her. I wondered what didn’t work, since I wasn’t trying to do anything.
That evening. Me being angry at my parents because they didn’t leave as they said they would. I turned towards the wall, fuming, but she got in front of me, hugged me and pecked me four times. Never on the lips, but close enough.
Then the kiss, or the attempt anyway. I’ll never know what got into me to do that… Mumbling “shows I don’t know how to do that” and then staring at her as she was staring at me, unblinking, for about one minute. One endless minute of sheer panic, not knowing how she’ll react, until she finally said “then let me teach you” and proceeded to do just that.
Her begging me to go sleep with her in the other bedroom since my parents left it for her when she said she didn’t want to sleep in the same room with me before reaching the hotel. Eventually each of us sleeping alone. Me staring at the ceiling for a long time and wondering what’s going on.
Next morning, parents gone, waking up to her looking at me and saying it’s already too late to be sleeping. I thought I was in trouble, stumbled upon a morning person…
A little later. Kissing and groping each other until I had a really bad case of blue balls and she said she’s hurting in certain areas too, but we didn’t move further than that.
Next day, on the train, her trying to hold my hand and cuddle, or at least get me to react somehow, and me ignoring her completely because I was too uncomfortable since there were others around.
Getting there, looking around confused, wondering what we were going to do next. Her taking charge, picking a cab driver and being on our way to the hotel.
In our room, or apartment to be more exact. On the floor, me struggling with her to find out why she was upset. Then making out a bit right then and there, until she got worried that somebody might see since all windows were wide open. I doubt anybody could have seen us, not without a helicopter at least.
Going out to eat for the first time, after she took about one hour to “get ready”. Me saying “next time I’ll tell you we should go out an hour early” right as we went past the maid. Her whispering “now you just confirmed it” a few seconds later, referring to the fact that those at the hotel thought we were married, somehow.
The waiter at the restaurant asking me for the order. Me promptly getting up and running away, leaving her alone. I kept running until some barking scared me, then I just stood there, frozen. Eventually went back in, with her, feeling like shit.
That night, fooling around until I came, clothed. Washing my underwear in the sink while she was laughing her ass off.
Later that night, me feeling bad about what had just happened, thinking we went too far. Her getting upset at this. Arguments. Breaking up, apparently. Despair. Long talks. Hugging and making up after a sleepless night.
Going out while there, me keeping my distance, not wanting to hold her hand. Her being frustrated every time.
Third day there, her wanting to do oral to me in the morning. Me worried that I’ll give her something if she does, considering the rash I had been having there for years (recently found out it’s atopic dermatitis, nothing much to do about it). Her saying she’ll take a look and judge for herself, checking out my cock and balls on all sides, saying she doesn’t think it’s contagious and starting to play with it.
That night, her going all the way with the oral after a long talk about what to do when I’ll come. She said she’ll kiss me and pass it on, me saying ok and her doing just that after I was done. A long time later, her telling me that moment was crucial in getting rid of her blocks when it came to sex.
Same night, taking a bath together with the lights off because she wouldn’t have it any other way. Trying to be really quiet because she was afraid others from the hotel would hear us…
Next day (I think), walking and talking. Finding out our grandparents are from the same village. Her saying that if we dig deep enough we might find out we’re some kind of cousins. Me thinking that’d be seriously fucked up.
Me tricking her into letting me do oral on her. The initial protests quickly dying down, but her eventually stopping me. Me asking if it was that bad and her saying “no, quite the contrary” while appearing quite confused.
The night we tried to go all the way for the first time, worried about lots of things and not managing much in the end because we were both too tense.
Next day, things finally working well. Her saying “I think I might have finished too if you had kept that up just a few seconds more” just after I was done. Me getting pissed and asking why didn’t she just say so and her saying she just didn’t want to.
A morning when the maid wanted to come in while we were sleeping (again). She got up and went to the door while I crawled on to an armchair and almost toppled over immediately.
A couple of days later. Me getting a cold, her getting me something for it which made me quite drowsy but I wanted to do it. Was done in about five seconds. Felt like shit.
Our only real hike, up to a cabin that was actually the starting point of several trails. All the times she said she’ll stop and wait for me to get back. Me wanting to pick a trail and keep going after we reached the cabin, but her barely being able to make it inside, sit down at a table and order some food.
Her first orgasm with me. She was exhausted, fell asleep while I was doing oral and woke up having an orgasm.
The only other trip outside the city while we were there, climbing up through the forest and back down on a ski slope, talking all the time. Or a ski slope is what it looked like, but it was summer so we couldn’t be sure.
A dinner at a gas station. No idea why I remember that so vividly, but I do.
An evening when we were in bed, eating and watching TV. Her saying “you’d say we were married”, me saying “no, if we were married we’d be doing something else in bed” and her replying with “no, before marriage we should be doing something else in bed, afterwards we’d do exactly this”.
The time she wanted to have sex during a Formula One race, just to see how good I am at “multitasking”. I was just going through the motions while my attention was on the race, which seemed to amuse her quite a lot.
The last night there. Making the most of it. Her saying she wants me inside of her when I knew I was so close I couldn’t even put a condom on. Her saying we’ll do it without one in that case and managing to get me in anyway despite my protests. Me asking if she’s sure she wants me to come inside of her, her saying no while at the same time clinging on to me tightly and starting to move, which caused the inevitable to happen in about two seconds… Both of us being worried sick about it afterwards. Still not proud at all for allowing that to happen, even though nothing bad came out of it.
The sadness we both felt while waiting for the train that’d bring us back, not knowing what would happen next. A moment when I was just walking around with the camera, turned towards her and saw her looking the other way. I took a picture, it turned out bad, but it means a lot.
The inner struggle to mask the joy we both felt in the car after getting back here, when dad said they’re planning to have some work done on the house and asked if she could arrange for me to live with her during that time instead of dragging me to my grandparents as they’d have done otherwise.
The frustration we felt while trying to act as just friends again around my parents for the few days she spent here after coming back from our trip, before her mom came to get her since she didn’t want to go back alone.
How careful we were about anything we did at night so nobody would hear anything, since that bed squeaked like crazy.
A moment when dad started calling me while I was doing oral to her. Someone else was around as well. My door can’t be locked. We both froze. That evening he asked if we had slept earlier and I managed to say “I guess so, why?” while we both kept a straight face. The laugh we had about it after we got back to my room…

And here I go focusing on just those first two weeks again. Have to post this now because I want it posted today and there’s not much time left until midnight. I seem to focus on the beginning a lot when I remember things. I guess it’s normal, everything was new, everything happened the first time for me, everything started from there. But I’ll keep writing this and post the other flashes later too. It probably won’t be a very accurate description of our relationship, but it’s not meant to be. Only images running through my mind these days, nothing more…

Today is World Population Day and I couldn’t miss the opportunity. It’s been far too long since I wrote about this, and that’s strange because I see overpopulation as the worst problem these days. At first I wanted to have a series of posts on this topic, but after the first I just couldn’t bring myself to it anymore. It’s a big struggle to write this too because I feel I have to write it and I can’t want to do something I have to do, just how my mind works, and if I don’t want to do something obviously I can’t do it well, and when something this important turns out badly I feel like crap. But I feel like crap anyway…

The purpose of this day seems to be to create awareness about the availability of safe, affordable and reliable voluntary birth control. Some would say that’s enough to stop our population growth, but I don’t think so. It works with intelligent people who are interested in the big picture, aren’t driven by their instincts and don’t accept society’s norms, but that’s only a very small percentage of people. Yes, of course you’ll reduce the number of births and offer a lot of other benefits by eliminating unwanted pregnancies, but that reduction will not be enough, not to mention that making safe, affordable and reliable birth control available to all doesn’t equal eliminating unwanted pregnancies.
The problem here is that there is massive resistance to any attempt to limit births. Even in China’s case where such a rule has been implemented and considered successful by the authorities there are plenty of exceptions and loopholes, plus people who would rather have more children and face the consequences anyway. Many see it as their right to have children, maybe even as their duty! Whether for religious reasons, tradition or simply because they are driven by their instincts, people will not voluntarily reduce birth rates so much as to quickly begin significantly reducing the population worldwide. I think the fact that some people are trying to come up with cheap fertility treatments and their reasons for doing so proves that point.

Still, it’s a good sign that even financial institutions support reducing the number of births. The current world economy is designed like an ancient empire, it needs its base to continue expanding in order to be able to support itself, and the population is that base. But it seems that we have reached a tipping point, the base is too large to be sustainable anymore so the expansion has to be halted for economic reasons too. Never thought that’d happen…
Considering how influential the rich are, if the current population is becoming unsustainable from a financial point of view as well then there might actually be some hope. On the other hand, more people means more demand, resulting in higher prices and potentially greater profits. Some will stop their reasoning right there regardless of circumstances, even when it’s obvious that such a demand can’t be met anymore and that the only possible result of that is the population being reduced by famine, disease and war.
But maybe enough will see how things truly stand, look beyond today and be willing to make their resources available so this problem will eventually be solved. There are plenty of organizations trying to make that happen already, though some are going too far (if only because we still need to clean up our own mess). Some try to achieve that through education, others through legislation… I don’t think any one means is enough and perhaps not even all of them together could solve the problem quickly enough unless paired with a very direct (and harsh, wherever needed) approach, but everything helps.

What humanity as a whole needs to understand is that people are the only species that managed to override the laws of Nature on this planet. Or at least the only one which has survived (so far) after doing it. Everything that happens without being caused by humans should happen, whether good or bad that’s the natural order of things. However, when we get involved then everything should be judged according to the results, the effects each action has over the planet as a whole. And from that point of view we have a lot to answer for, and a large part of that is simply because there are so many of us!
The human population has more than doubled over the past 50 years! Knowing that, how do people expect anything other than our current problems? Of course there can’t be enough food or water for all of us, of course there can’t be enough room for all of us to live in decent conditions, of course there can’t be enough resources to create necessary items for everyone, of course there simply can’t be enough things to do for all to earn enough to make a living!
A hundred million people would probably be able to live well even without being too careful with the amount of resources they use, not to mention that they’d be able to settle only the most suitable regions and therefore have the best living conditions at all times. Two or three billion people could also live in decent conditions if they’d be at least somewhat careful, and I think that’s what we should be aiming for… Because nearly seven billion is just mind-blowing…

July 12th is coming. It’d have been our sixth anniversary. As it is, it just means it’s been nearly three years since she left. Getting closer and closer to being hurt longer than I’ve been in the relationship.
I’m just stuck on that now, have been since last week, but I supposedly have work to do these days so I have to let it out early. Not that I see any chance of not crashing completely two days from now, but maybe I’ll manage to get something done until then. Dad again, of course, but at least this time I don’t mind since it’s something I would have done anyway since I meant to post something on the topic tomorrow. Just wish it’d have been any other time, but others have picked the date a long time ago.
On another note, the summer has been surprisingly nice so far. Not too hot, some wind and rain, occasional brief storms… I like storms. It’s so sad that most people run away from Nature instead of embracing it.
I’m thinking of the cats a lot too. Miss them… Blacky as well, wonder if she’s still alive. Considering what Andra said about her condition when we talked and that it’s been several months since then, I guess the right thing would be to hope she isn’t, so she won’t be suffering anymore.
Just bruised my knuckles punching the door. At least I’m alone right now. I’m alone and all I’m doing is sitting here, listening to depressing songs and writing this. When I wrote that it’s been several months since me and Andra talked I just had to do that. Not that it helps with anything. There was a time when turning some of it into physical pain made it a little more bearable for a little while, but I guess that’s over too.