Cav's Place

Writing something like this is asking for it, and so is sending hundreds of e-mails along the same lines to one person over the past two years.
Here I was, pacing about the room and reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows today. That would have probably been enough for a mental link in itself, but dad had also asked me this morning where are the other books in the series, so I showed him the fifth and sixth and said that Andra gave me the other four and I left them to her when I got shipped back here. So at some point I got struck by the memory of my 18th birthday, when she gave me the first three Harry Potter books and the teddy bear.
That made me write an e-mail about it, as I often do, and expected no reply, as I hardly ever get any when I tell somebody such things. Then I curled up in bed, hugging the teddy, going through memories, what ifs and what might have beens, as I so often do.

Then, a while later, I got up and went back to the computer. To my surprise, I saw a reply to my previous e-mail and realized that it couldn’t be anything good. So I covered my eyes when I opened it and then looked through my fingers.
It certainly was harsh, but, much to my surprise, it didn’t hurt me, didn’t even anger me. I was staring at it for a few minutes, thinking that it would be appropriate to send a harsh reply back, yet not feeling anything that would justify it. Quite the contrary, I found myself smiling…
I was smiling because it washed right over me and didn’t cause any reaction. Smiling because it didn’t cause the reflex reaction such things would have caused in the first months after she left. Smiling because I realized that reaction was largely prompted by the fear of someone saying anything that would create any cracks where my feelings for her merged with the other, lesser, parts of me, so the lack of it meant that no cracks could be created anymore. Smiling because I finally had proof that what I feel for her is not only a large part of me, but truly who I am.
So I let it fly right past me, like the questions of a child who’d be unable to understand the answers if they were given, and then replied accordingly.

Considering the following conversation, I think I need to make a few things clearer for everyone who happens to read this…
When I recently said that I hate people who complain but don’t do anything about it, I meant those who don’t fight to get what they need, as long as it can be obtained without causing unjustified harm to others, so don’t tell me I’m complaining but not fighting either since I won’t move on. Moving on would be exactly the resignation that angers me in others.
Also, don’t tell me to fight to get a girl either. My complaint is not the general fact that I’m single, but very specifically that Andra left. If anybody has a fair way to get her back, I’m all ears. Otherwise, there’s nothing for me to fight for, I neither need nor want “a girl”!
I’ll gladly fight society, generally don’t mind fighting my own instincts and sometimes even tolerate fighting my own thoughts, but I’ll never fight my feelings. What I feel is the only thing that makes me able to fight everything else. They’re what makes me what I am, and I just got proof of that now.

Was also told how I’m wasting myself and how valuable I could be for the world if only I’d move on and do something. Firstly, I hate compliments! Secondly, I don’t know as much as I seem to know and can hardly do anything that I might seem to be able to do. I could probably win a public debate on a topic I hardly knew anything about, as long as the audience was neutral to start with. That’s not knowledge, that’s a lot of attention and logic and a bit of manipulation, that’s thinking on your feet, learning as you go along and using your opponent’s words against them, that’s “selling” yourself. And thirdly, if I was good at anything, I’d have succeeded in holding on to the one thing that really mattered. Yet I couldn’t do shit about that, could I?
But perhaps there is a purpose to all of this. If some people see me as being valuable, maybe they’ll tell of what they think the world lost because of a person’s refusal to fight to keep a relationship going. And maybe someone else will hear this story just when they’re considering dumping their significant other and it’ll change their mind. If this happens twice, it would be worth it. Sacrifice one life to save two, simple math. And those two would probably do way more than I ever could alone, so the world would be better off anyway.

Said it even while we were still together and will say it again now: The world is worth so much less than the one you love, or the ones you love, as the case may be. And I’d give up everything else I’m fighting for in a heartbeat if that’s what it’d take to be with her.
Losing everything else would be a small price to pay for that. All the suffering that came before meeting her was worth it for what we had, and all that came afterwards will be worth it if we’ll be together again. Mark my words: If I’ll unfortunately make it to 100 and she’d also still be alive then, if she’d be with me on my dying day then it’d have all been worth it. If you think I need to say anything more about what I feel, read that again and think about what it means.

But let me tackle another issue now as well. Apparently people think that I could do a lot if I’d just move on. Firstly, nothing would be left to drive me to do anything. Secondly, I’d have no right to say anything anymore. When I say that I demand more from myself than from anyone else, I mean it.
What right would I have to tell anyone to put relationships above anything and everything else if I wouldn’t? What right would I have to tell anyone to fight for what they feel is right if I wouldn’t? Not that it could happen, but just in case, what right would I have to tell anyone not to hurt others who don’t deserve such pain if I’d start meeting plenty of new people and somehow one of them would fall in love with me and I’d need to hurt her by keeping my distance? And, if I wouldn’t keep my distance, what right would I have to tell anyone to only be in serious relationships and to never lie if I’d end up in a relationship just because it’d be easier that way? And if I couldn’t say those things, what right would I have to say anything else?

Yeah, you read that right: It’d be easier that way. What, you don’t think I know I could someday find someone else I could at least tolerate being with so I’ll stop being alone? Don’t think I know it’d be way easier to cuddle with a girlfriend than to find a female friend who’d also like to do that? Don’t think I just need to feel loved? Don’t think I even just need to get laid? I’m quite aware that I’d be far better off here and now if I’d do this… But are you aware that we’d all be far better off in the long run if nobody would?
Oh, instincts occasionally have their say… And then they get a swift kick in the groin for it. Where feelings are concerned, reason needs to take a break and the beast within should be sent on an extended vacation. Feelings rule me, and so they should.
Honestly, let’s assume for a moment that someday I’ll end up with someone else. It would all be a lie, both to myself and to her. Not saying I could never love again, of course I could, but not over what I feel for Andra. Everyone should probably know how strongly I support polyamory. Always thought that the ideal situation would be that, some years down the line, we’d each find someone else to have a “secondary” relationship with, which would actually strengthen what we have by eliminating boredom and providing one more potential target for venting when needed. But without being with her it’d all be a lie. It’d be just a faked relationship from start to end, which wouldn’t be fair to me and it certainly wouldn’t be fair to the girl.
If I’d do that, I wouldn’t be true to myself. About five years ago I promised I’ll always be with her. About ten years ago I promised myself I won’t get in a relationship I didn’t truly mean to stay in, and that I’ll stay with the first girl I’d be in a relationship with, though perhaps not with her alone. Five years is a long time. Ten years is an even longer time. But I know the meaning of “forever”, and neither of them is it. If I’d ever even consider moving on, I’d have broken the most important promises I ever made. Since I never broke a promise so far, that’d be a darn poorly chosen place to start! If I’m undead now, what will I be then? What would be left?

And no, I can’t realize that she’ll never be with me again. Losing all hope would mean needing to kill myself immediately, and if I could do that I’d have done it a long time ago. Since I’m still around, it’s obvious I can’t do it, which means I can’t stop hoping.
I just hope things will go well between them, otherwise not only would I have suffered needlessly, but also probably at least one of them would end up hurt in the process as well. Typical rotten win-lose mentality: So often everybody loses. Just hope that this time at least she won’t…

It’s so much easier to fight against the world than for the feelings of one person… There are weapons against the world, be they pen or sword, but how do you regain someone’s love? Or gain it the first time, if you never had it?
You’ll say you can’t… Well, then, if it’s impossible to make her remember what she felt for me, or to start loving me in case she never really did, then how can you ask me to bury all I feel for her, start loving someone else and walk right over everything I believe in, destroy everything that makes me who I am? Which of the two is harder? And I’m not demanding, only hoping and hurting…

“‘Tis sad to hear how young love has died
To know that, alone, someone has cried.
But memories are ours to keep.
To live them again, in our sleep.”
(The ending of “The Light at the End of the World” (My Dying Bride) – No, I can’t stand their singing, but some of the lyrics can leave you speechless.)

Never say never, only forever…