Cav's Place

Why can’t I cry? Why can’t I cry when alone, of course, as I’m quite sure I could still cry if a person I feel close to would be with me. But there is nobody that could be with me, not even anybody I could talk to now. Even when I do happen to talk to somebody, they don’t understand. Can’t, won’t, I don’t know, I just know that they don’t. I mean to pour my heart out and it feels like so many words thrown into the wind.
I know it won’t help for more than one night, but I could at least let some of it out for a moment, have a couple of hours now and then without feeling like all this pain is tearing me up from inside. I feel like I’m going to explode all the time and it doesn’t seem to be happening. I said once that maybe the best way for me to tell somebody how I’m feeling would be to peel off the skin from my face with my bare hands and then send them a picture of the results.
Whenever something like this happens, my eyes get moist, I feel tears coming and then… Nothing. It’s like needing just one more touch to reach orgasm but being denied it time and time again, held there for so long you’ve forgotten how anything else feels like. You just want it to be over, don’t even care how anymore. No pleasure, just release and then sweet oblivion because you’re so exhausted from waiting for it for so long.
Or it could be fury instead of tears. Screaming, kicking, destroying things… But I can’t do that either, at least one of them is here almost always, and certainly every time I feel like doing this. But I doubt I would do much even if I were alone, there is still something holding me back from such acts, not to mention that there isn’t really anything I could destroy, anything I can call mine and be able to do without.
The only thing that could ever fix this, fix me, would be being with her again. I don’t care at what cost, I don’t care what would happen as long as she’ll be by my side, as long as I’ll be able to look into her eyes again, caress her face, hold her hands in mine, go to bed and wake up next to her, bury my face in her hair and whisper “I love you” after she falls asleep… But nobody understands that. And even if someone would, they couldn’t help. Couldn’t even be here with me in such moments, much less do anything to really help…
Nobody can help. Or… Yes, somebody could, but that won’t happen… No rapture in my future, no release and not even oblivion soon enough. All my future holds are such whimpers in the night… All alone in a crowd…