Cav's Place

Considered writing this during the evening and scheduling it to be posted at night, but eventually played a bit more Age of Wonders: Shadow Magic then, so here I am writing it now, late at night, hoping to just throw something here and then read a bit more of my story before going to bed.
Yes, I’m still doing that, though I initially meant to stop after the end of what I consider to be part two and I’m now nearing the end of part three, but I still knew where I wanted to take it at this point, most of the time, and it shows. There are some obvious places where I was at a loss and just tried to type something to get past that moment, but I actually almost liked the last two chapters I read, or at least the last one and the last section of the one before it. If I found myself thinking a fair number of times that these first three sections aren’t quite as bad overall as I thought while writing, having the story and the characters to perhaps allow the whole thing to be saved by someone who can actually write, the only “little” problem being that I’m not that person, this bit actually seemed almost all right in itself. No idea how that happened…

But this post is just about the fact that I’m 33 now, so one more year passed, Earth is once again in pretty much the same place on its orbit around the Sun as it was when I was thrown into this world through no choice or fault of my own and all. Seem to be doing better than a year ago physically though, which isn’t what one would expect after getting over 30, so something I’m not yet aware of may yet come and bite me, but for the moment that’s how it seems. The recent records for ten and 16 kilometers should prove I’m fitter, at least.
In terms of my situation otherwise, on the other hand, and of my mental and emotional state, things are going as expected, which is to say continuing to slowly get worse. Or at least no better and seeming worse because even more time has passed since anything still had any point and there was anything but fear and despair and a dark void leaving no room for any real hope when looking ahead. Admittedly, that was only different during a brief portion of my life, less then a tenth of it by now if you count from the day we met until she left, and in fact far less than that since it only was actually different when we were together and things were truly going well between us.

Speaking of that, had a dream that sure seemed quite real a few days ago. Pretty sure it was Thursday morning, since I know I meant to mention it in the previous post but that had a different topic so I didn’t. I was still aware that it was just a dream at some level, but… I guess I could just about lie to myself for a little while, and it was so clear, and she was so clear, nothing too foggy or missing or completely out of place or impossible in the sense of contradicting the laws of physics or any other such things that happen in dreams, not taking place in one of the settings that tend to be frequently reused in the dreams I remember, and not being about or even starting from a memory either, but instead being about meeting and spending time together for the first time after she had decided to try again. It even mostly fit with what little I could find out about her in recent years, not simply being an image pulled from the past. Not entirely, which was what gave it away that it was just a dream after all, but enough to allow me to mostly ignore those issues and enjoy those moments… And then be utterly crushed when I woke up and saw yet again that it had been just a dream instead of all of this, all the years since then, and in fact all the ones before as well, being just a nightmare.

So much for this just being a quick post, but now that I’m at it and also went through the one I wrote a year ago, when I also mentioned the others I wrote on this day over the years, guess I could also mention the friends, or at least the people I could still talk to, mentioned there and what happened since then. May in fact start with the person I was saying there seemed to have taken an interest in me that evening, who didn’t contact me after all, probably for the obvious reason. I mean, I could easily find her and saw that she was a kindergarten teacher, having pictures with a whole bunch of children, plus that she was sharing all sorts of pseudo-religious stuff and the infuriating kind of inspirational quotes. So I didn’t contact her and I guess once she had a look at my profile she also realized that her interest had been misplaced.
Since I also mentioned Ada in that previous post, may say that things didn’t end there, we could eventually talk again, maybe even more and about deeper issues a few times, after certain things happened with her, but now she does indeed seem gone, and not in the sense of just no longer wanting to talk to me, at least as far as I know. But I seem to have started to talk more to someone else more recently, Alexandra’s her name, and not long ago she actually said she’s thinking she may have found something like a friend in me, which felt nice. Not that we agree on many things, of course, but it seems we can talk at the moment, and that some things are similar, and similarly broken, deep down. And I guess Alma’s still talking to me too, if not much, but don’t know how relevant that may still be, considering how busy she is, the friends she actually does talk to and the recent issues we had.

But I really have to end this now, though there’s one more thing I want to mention, and that’s that I should really start reading steadily from now on if I want to still have a chance to get to the goal of 12 books by the end of the year, since I only read seven so far. And I’m pretty sure I’ll have to finally give in and start The Riftwar Saga, since I bought Silverthorn and A Darkness at Sethanon three and a half years ago but never got to them because the first two are from the books I took with me when I was thrown back here and didn’t read during those first few months, so reading them will mean “using up” another one of the few connections left to that period. But… I guess it’s time, even if it’ll make doing something stupid even more likely. In fact it’s long past time for both of these things, most probably.