Cav's Place

This will be quick, even more so than last year’s, and you see it’s not at the regular time either. Whether I’d be able to post it at all was definitely a question, since I had no Internet access between about 10:30 AM Tuesday morning and 7:35 PM this evening, but I must also admit that I didn’t even notice the date, being so cut off from just about everything these days. I guess I noticed it after running today, when I wrote a few words in a file and added the date, but had to check in order to do that and I guess I promptly forgot the day as soon as I wrote it. Checked some news before starting to write this and they all seemed from the same day to me, despite the dates covering these past three days, so I guess my internal calendar is rather stuck on September 25 and will just need to skip straight to 28 for all other purposes, assuming I’ll manage to get it “unstuck” tomorrow at least.
Was thinking of that post I still have scheduled to show up at 11:59 PM on Sunday if I don’t reschedule it by then, stating that problems with my Internet access may be what prevented me from changing the date but if you see it then I’m likely dead or in hospital… If I wouldn’t have been able to get on-line at all until then, having that show up just this week, and with no other signs of activity, be it here or elsewhere, could have led people to certain conclusions… And I guess there could be stranger moments to pick than the day marking 13 years. But, of course, that only actually had a point within the first year or so, maybe at most the first year after getting thrown back here, dying after that, however it’d happen, without something to make the increasing amount of suffering, and also wasted resources, be worth it happening first just being an increasingly disappointing potential outcome. And I never had the courage to do it then, and I doubt I ever would anyway, since contrary to popular opinion suicide takes a whole lot of courage, while the sign of cowardice is this, surviving when you’re no longer really alive, shouldn’t be, have no reason to be. I keep saying that…

Unsurprisingly, this is ending up not being quicker than last year’s post on this date. Not shorter either, if I’ll include this paragraph, but definitely took me more to write than I thought. Then again, no idea how long last year’s took. They can be very easy, just flooding out, or quite hard. Not very hard, non-personal stuff is hard to write, creative stuff even more so, but hard enough, even though there’s not really anything new in them. Just posts to mark another year passing since Andra gave me one last kiss and then walked out the door, and out of my life, leaving me… I still don’t even know how. Knowing that something may indeed exist to just maybe make life worth living, and to make me more and better than I thought I was, and losing it all, being not only thrown back to the previous state but having this terrible loss added on top of it. Found some ways to escape some of it, and also to punish myself, that are definitely way better than most, including some leading to attempting, and in a few cases even accomplishing, things I likely wouldn’t have otherwise, but other than that… Not that it could in any way be worth it even if I’d be accomplishing who knows what great things. Nothing could be worth this.