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Fifteen…

What would be left to say after 15 years? Even if the first necessary miracle would somehow happen someday, it’d take a second for things to go even acceptably well after that and a third for that to mean regaining what I lost and still need, what we had, with her also feeling that this would be at least acceptable. Not sure how all of that would be affected by the fact that, considering what’s been going on this year, I’m partially back to how I was back then, and possibly getting more so as time passes, but with the chances being merely theoretical, and in truth not even that, I doubt it matters.

Wonder how much I should dare to risk on a message… Probably nothing, as in nothing relevant, just sending an e-mail which won’t get anywhere and not risking another block and likely being left with no place where I’m not blocked, at least as far as I’m aware. Not that I’d know what to say, or that there’s any point in saying anything in that message that won’t get anywhere… But I just need to send something, and just the fact that it won’t get anywhere means it doesn’t matter what I’ll end up writing. Probably won’t be what I need to say though, or the part of it that’s in that scheduled post I keep moving every week…

Have obviously been thinking about her more than usual these days, but I think Thursday morning was the worst. Slept poorly then, and I don’t know whether that was because of what was on my mind or my mind went there in that manner because I wasn’t sleeping, but there was the entire mix of memories and fantasies, wishes and fears, whether while awake or when dreaming, in the brief naps I was catching, or in that state in between, when I even briefly thought that it might just be real, being momentarily thrilled or terrified, depending on exactly what my mind was coming up with at the time, before realizing none of it was real and crashing even worse, possibly after a brief moment of relief if the realization came after a terrifying bit.

Maybe this afternoon’s argument with dad and remaining furious after that, spending over an hour getting the worst of the cat hair and other crap off his pile of socks before putting them in the washing machine likely also “helping” with that, and then also taking a little time to finally finish year two in Grim Fandango Remastered spared me from spending much of this day lost in such thoughts as well, but I’d hardly consider that a good thing. And wonder what the actual day of September 27 will be like, seeing as the plan is to go vote relatively early, maybe when I’ll happen to wake up to pee, and if I’ll get that over with early enough to know I’ll get back before the race, I also mean to go buy a few things from places that are relatively nearby. And then dad said he’ll also be away for a while, so maybe we won’t bump into each other too much and I’ll also be able to spend some more time on-line, but who knows what will actually end up happening and how that will affect me…

With the Museum of Broken Relationships having an exhibition in Bucharest until October 17, I’m thinking to go for a visit next week, since it’s also free. Probably not appropriate, and definitely not helpful, but it still seems fitting in a way. Would have probably gone Monday, but it’s closed then, as museums tend to be, and I think the latest version of the plan, changed twice already, has dad bringing my mother back here Tuesday and, even if I don’t want to, I should probably stick around that day, so I’ll see what I’ll do, seeing as the plans I have for running mean I’d rather not wander around too much later in the week. I’ll need to decide ahead of time though, seeing as they strongly recommend scheduling your visit on-line, considering the current circumstances.

Wrote the above earlier this evening, waiting for dad to leave, then managed to finally finish and post the statistics post surprisingly quickly after he did, seeing as I had left what should have been the hardest section, the viewed pages for the entire five-year period, last and yet it took me less time than a couple of others. In fact, took me less time than it did to clean up after him in the kitchen, since I spent a good hour and a half doing that after I was done with the post, then ate and shaved, and after finishing and scheduling this to be posted at the usual time of 4 AM I’ll… Well, I guess I’ll see what I’ll send into the void, then what else I’ll manage to still do on-line, depending on the state I’ll be in after something like that… And like this.

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