Cav's Place

Last year I was saying that it was terribly embarrassing to only manage to post a placeholder that was limited to a single paragraph at 4 AM on this day, but at least that was only the 20th September 27 if you also counted the first one, the real milestone, marking 20 years since she left, being this year… But here I am, on this milestone night, which is also the last September 27 before more than half of my life would have passed since she left, and I’m posting yet another placeholder that’s limited to a single paragraph. And last year I at least finished the post before going to bed, which can’t be the case now, not if I want to write anything meaningful and especially since I only started eating dinner at 3:50 AM, so I only added the rest in the evening.

Then again, it’d be surprising if I would manage to write anything meaningful. I mean, the post about this year’s half marathon remains basically a placeholder and the one about the Dream Trek that followed still misses most of the part about the actual run, while lately I’ve been resorting to posting old odds and ends in order to at least keep posting twice per week, since at least those are already written quite properly, while now not even the part about this week’s run is properly written in the file yet, not to mention anything that came after it. So the fact that I still didn’t have to resort to some of those old book reviews to create some more personal “slots” is rather surprising. And, on that note, I considered adding one now, not because I needed to but to mark the moment, especially since there are still a few that I connect to her, including the last one finished before she left, that I haven’t added, yet in the end I decided against it, hoping to keep all of them as a reserve for an even later time.
Since I got to reading, I was saying that the plan was to read Blood Communion two weeks ago but I didn’t even touch it then. Well, I’m reading it now, which seems quite fitting, another little way to mark the moment, and I should finish it tomorrow, making the quick review for it the week’s second post. It’d have probably been more fitting, following the pattern from back then, to finish it yesterday, but that’d have been out of the question even if I wouldn’t have gone out, and I’m not going to finish it today either, so I’m just aiming to leave relatively few pages for tomorrow.

I also mentioned that this is the last September 27 before more than half of my life would have passed since she left, and the day that would mark that moment seems to be September 9, 2026, so if I’ll still be around on September 10, 2026, and no miracle would have happened by then, I guess that will mark yet another stage. Not that a day more or less would really make a difference, at this point even a year probably doesn’t make much of one anymore, but the dates still have some symbolic significance, I guess. Just like this one and July 12 do every year.

In the end, it all comes back to the fact that I was too much of a coward to do what I had to do back then. Most preferably just that night, right after she left, but if not then while I was still there, or right after she got back, before I got thrown back here, or even shortly after I got thrown back here, before the pain switched from acute to chronic, to use such medical terms, and the passage of time made the direct connection somewhat less clear, perhaps not quite undeniable anymore, and therefore the odds of it giving me the strength and courage to do it decreased even further. After all, those who think of suicide may be cowards, but those who commit it are brave. And the fact that I’m still around just proves that.
Yes, there are those who’d look for things that I did since then and which I wouldn’t have done otherwise, like taking part in protests, running, or in fact becoming more active and fit and definitely much healthier in general, possibly even trying to write that book, even if I gave up on that long ago, and probably figuring out ways to be somewhat functional in general. But there’s no point in any of that and I don’t care for it to have a point. They’re just patterns and motions I’m forcing myself to go through because I’m still around and lying in bed in my own piss and shit would be even worse. Every day means only more suffering, plus using even more resources, having an even greater environmental impact, and in general just adding to the overall harm of existence, for myself and others, without anything to compensate for it in any noteworthy way, all the while getting closer to the inevitable end that will be that much more disappointing with every day that passes under these circumstances.
So, if it’d come to that question of what I’d use the ability to go back in time for, I guess my answer would still be that moment after she left, when I went to the balcony, and somehow keep trying until I’ll somehow find the strength and the courage to jump. Of course, it’d be great if I could find a way to fix things before that point, to make sure that she wouldn’t leave, or even after that point, to make her come back and ensure that we’ll stay together and things would truly work well between us from then on. But I have no idea how that could be achieved and there clearly isn’t one specific moment that could have changed the outcome, and it may well be that things wouldn’t have changed no matter what I’d have done, and quite certainly not if I’d have still been myself in any way. So that remains the only valid option, to have managed to do it when I had a chance, when it had a point, and before all of these years, now decades, of suffering and negative impact.