Cav's Place

As I said last year, this is the last July 12 before the time spent suffering after Andra will be more than half of my life, so I guess it’s sort of a milestone. Of course, the day the relationship started is only an anniversary if you stay together, but memories are still mine to keep, so it counts. And this was part of the reason why I even went out today, despite having gone out last evening as well and getting in bed at 7:10 AM, because I wanted to get some kashkaval and make kashkaval pane, which I still associate with that trip we took together, which was the reason why we actually met. But I wanted to get that from Penny, where there were supposed to be packs of 300 grams at a good price, and I ended up not even going there anymore, so I don’t even have that. But it was my choice, and I had been worried that I might do a poor job of it, so finding some expiring vegan “schnitzel” in Carrefour solved the problem, offering something that may at least look somewhat similar, even if it has nothing in common inside, and sparing me the need to cook it and the risk of messing it up, especially on this day.
And now that I said that, I guess I might as well write about all of today here, even if it does seem wrong to put such odds and ends into these posts. So I’ll start with the fact that I slept well until just after noon, but after getting up to pee at that point, I just couldn’t get back to sleep and was even about to give up when, after a long time, it finally seemed that I might have a chance, and I caught two or three naps before getting up, at 2:40 PM, though I really couldn’t say how long they were. And I went out at 5 PM, after doing the day’s squats, taking the recyclables with the deposit symbol and grabbing some more, most of them from that mall, before putting them in the machine from Carrefour. And then I found that thing among the expiring products and also got two things for dad, one of them also expiring and at half price, and a cabbage and a watermelon, which is the first one I buy this year, though I already ate some, brought by my parents. And dad actually called while I was digging through the watermelons. Either way, I also used the voucher received for the recyclables, then struggled to get the cabbage and the watermelon in the backpack, washed my hands, and decided against going to Penny anymore, as I said. So I made my way back, grabbing a few more recyclables, plus one that didn’t have the symbol but was of the right size for a label that I still had, so I placed it on it. And I put all of them in the machine from the nearby Mega Image, seeing that I could open it myself and retrieve the voucher when it remained inside, and then I cashed it and the one I had been left with from yesterday.
I got back at 7:10 PM, with less than 12 kg but having struggled a fair bit with the watermelon pressing against my back and those rope straps digging into my shoulders. But at least that was early enough to also be able to wash before the Supercup match, which started at 8:30 PM and which was why I didn’t stay out later or check Kaufland at all, because I wanted to be done with everything, including lunch, by the end of the match, to be able to focus on writing this after it. And I really don’t see how that could have happened if I’d have had to cook, even if kashkaval pane should be easy, in theory, and I did make some before, albeit for dad… Or mostly for him, since I said that I had bought those pieces of kashaval for him and kept my word, but that was last year and I can’t recall whether he actually ate all of them of left one for a few days and I ended up eating it after all. Either way, I also ate some of that watermelon and it does indeed seem to not be fully ripe yet, which was the impression I got for all of those that were there, but let’s see how the rest of it will be.

Now that I got that out of the way, I’m looking at last year’s post again and see that I was saying that I had two incomplete posts, the one about that year’s half marathon still being basically just a placeholder and the one about that year’s Dream Trek skipping over the actual run… And the sad thing is that, while the one about the Dream Trek was finally finished in January, the one about the half marathon remains untouched even now, and I may need to admit that I’ll never write it, and perhaps just drop the quick notes that I have in there as they are, to at least have that. But at least earlier this week I did manage to finish the post about this year’s half marathon. The one about the Dream Trek doesn’t exist at all, however, though I did expand the few things I scribbled on a piece of paper into a page and a half of notes, so I have plenty to base that post on when I’ll finally get around to it… The question being when that will be, especially since I don’t write about runs out of order, so I’m stuck at that point and can’t add the rest even if it’s already written. But I will mention that this week’s run was the first decent one in a long time, since I got back to 10 km after the Dream Trek and the time was 47:42.60, making it the first one below 48 minutes since November and the best since October. Admittedly, I didn’t run 10 km between the end of January and the morning run done on the week of the half marathon, but that was because I was awfully slow and decided to at least be slow on longer distances.

Back on what really should be this post’s topic, I didn’t really find anything new this year either, still only professional stuff and only a couple more mentions even from that point of view, plus the confirmation that she’s still there. So I’ll once again say that maybe no news, or at least no significant news, is good news, but that’s one big “maybe” and what’d matter for me won’t be noticeable in those things. And, otherwise, I do still wonder if she may at least sometimes remember. Not the date, I guess, especially since she wasn’t remembering such things even back then, but the time together, what we had, and in a good way, not with hate or just the negative aspects. Probably not… But it can happen in my mind. What else do I have, after all this time? I mean, this September 27 will mark 21 years since she left, and the point when I’d have spent more than half my life suffering after her will come earlier that month. Unless a miracle will happen by then, of course, or unless I’ll die first, with the latter prospect being more and more disappointing as time passes. But that’s how it was all along, and I’ll keep saying that if I could go back and do or say something after she left, or right after she got back and I was being kicked out, when I was going through ways to end it, it’d be to grow a pair and do it, or just push myself directly if I could, because that was when it made some sense and when the raw pain which hadn’t scabbed over might have just been enough to overpower my cowardice. Because, as I saw it said once, he who thinks of suicide proves that he’s a coward, he who committed suicide proved that he was brave. And things only got worse ever since, and the only thing that could make it worth it would be getting back together and things actually working wonderfully between us, with me as I am… Which would be impossible even if we somehow would get back together…