Cav's Place

I think that a good part of the reason why I’m feeling even worse than usual lately is lacking anybody to “connect” with. Adding the lack of a real friend on top of the main problem, not being with Andra, worsens things faster than I can predict, meaning that I end up feeling worse than I’m expecting to feel and it shows. And this lack is more and more obvious as time passes, considering that the only person I’ve kept in touch with through it all has been really distant for quite some time.
Having realized that, my mind went on to point out that I’m very unlikely to stumble upon a new friend, since I’m very weird and there are very few people I’d get along with that well. There is that idea that “we are all unique”, meaning that we’re far more similar than we think, but that doesn’t seem to apply to me. If there would be plenty of similar people, shouldn’t I have a close friend who’d stick around? (Because that’s what I’m talking about, just a close friend, not a best friend. Read the “Rule of Four” post for the “definitions”.) I’m thinking about the friends I’ve had in the past and how they usually moved in a different direction and left me behind. Granted that I’ve cut contact with some after Andra left, and also with Liz afterwards (also because of Andra, in a way), but those relationships were already strained because we didn’t see eye to eye on some key issues. Talking to somebody who sees relationships the same way I do would be a good start, but that never happened so far.
Knowing how I need to analyze everything, this train of thought led me to try to describe a potential close friend. Not that it helps to know exactly what I’m looking for when it’s apparently unattainable, but at least I will be able to honestly say, once again, that I know exactly what I want. That said, this is the result. Don’t take it as a “looking for” ad (despite the title), it’s nothing but a mind dump…

Let’s get the “demographics” out if the way first.
I only get along with girls, that’s a given. I guess she could even be a lesbian, after all we’d be nothing more than friends, but it might feel rather awkward for her in that case, considering the way I interact with a person I’m close to, if I feel really at ease. So her sexual orientation would be irrelevant unless it’d cause awkwardness.
Age does have some relevance, though. I did get along quite well with Liz while we talked, despite the age difference, and there were a couple of other older people I got along rather well with for brief periods of time in the past, but a close friend should really be around my age. I’m going to turn 24 next month so I’ll say that an age range of 20 to 27 would be best, possibly extended to a maximum of 18 to 30 if everything else would be just right. At first I’m inclined to say that younger is better than older (you might have noticed that I shaved a year off the high end of the “best” range) since she’d be less likely to be caught up in “real life”, but then again being older and still not “fitting in” means she’s more likely to continue down this path she’s on and not decide to get into the “rat race” at some point and leave me behind like everyone else tends to do. So I guess it doesn’t matter whether she’d be younger or older, as long as the difference wouldn’t be too great.
As for location, she could be anywhere. Yes, it’d be nice to have somebody I could actually spend some time with, but things could turn out badly if I woudn’t feel really comfortable from the beginning or if something would go wrong when we’d meet. So she could be from around here and we could also meet or from anywhere else and we’d just talk on-line, nothing wrong with that. A problem could arise if she’d be from another city or another country and would want to visit. It’d make no sense for her to book a hotel room instead of staying here with me, but I’m not sure I could handle that.

Now let’s get to the important issues we should agree on. These are all requirements and not negotiable.
A close friend would need to fully agree with my view of relationships and understand and support what I’m doing. She shouldn’t just not tell me to get over Andra or other such things, she shouldn’t even think it, it shouldn’t even cross her mind. She must put romantic relationships above all else as much as I do, be willing to sacrifice everything in an instant for the one she loves, agree that once you start a relationship you must keep fighting to make it work and that breaking up is only acceptable under extreme circumstances, but also share my view of marriage, namely that it should be avoided and if you feel any need for papers, ceremonies or rings then it means your commitment alone is not enough, which is a problem that no papers, ceremonies or rings can solve. It would help a lot if she’d either currently be in a similar situation from this point of view, having been dumped years ago but still being determined to wait for another chance all her life if that’s what it takes, or is a living example that such a course of action can work out, being in a great relationship after having received, after years of waiting, another chance from the person who had dumped her. And still on the topic of relationships, she must not be jealous. Also, since friendships are also relationships, she should have only a few friends, but be very close to them, reserving enough of her time and attention for each.
She must not have and must be absolutely determined to never have children, regardless of circumstances, and she should also tell others to do the same. From my point of view, the worst problem this world is facing is human overpopulation. I will not talk to anyone who’s not part of the solution for that problem. Period. This also applies for adopting or even caring for others’ children. I’m aware that it’s a very debatable issue, but knowing that some people would be willing to care for them makes some have children that they otherwise wouldn’t have, and that’s certainly not helping the cause. Of course, it’d be great if she’d agree with me on all of these issues, including my proposed solutions, but the reasons behind it are less important than the end result. If she doesn’t want children simply because she can’t stand them, or if she’d actually go even further and support VHEMT, that’s fine too.
She must be an open book, sharing even the most personal details without a second thought, often without me needing to ask. She should want me to do the same, I would anyway. I might sometimes not know what to say, or where to start, so she should know what to ask. She must not mind discussing very intimate details, giving and receiving advice on such issues. Even if one can’t change the past, there is still a point in discussing it. Also, since this deals with intimacy, there should be a lot of hugs and cuddling if we’d meet and we should be doing our best to create that feeling of closeness even while just talking on-line. This is why I said she might feel awkward if she’d be a lesbian.
She must be very intelligent and open minded and must make up her own mind about everything, not let anyone or anything tell her what to do. When she has to make a decision, she must gather as much information as possible and then do the right thing according to all that information and her own concepts, regardless of what the law, society, religion or various authority figures would say about it. She must not spend time or money on her “image”, whether it’s the one created by her actions or her physical appearance (so no make-up or fancy clothes either). She must be able to hold her own against challenges when it comes to such things, even thrive on them. She must like and know how to discuss, debate and even argue. We do need to agree on these important issues, but there are many others that we could disagree on, so good debating skills are a must. I like people who actually prove to be a challenge when they disagree with me, who have the arguments and the determination to make me reconsider things and perhaps even make some changes in my theories. I’ve only met a few of those so far…
She must be an idealist and a dreamer on a grand scale, looking at the big picture and imagining a new world, a better world, only caring about how things are right now or how they were at some point in the past in order to learn from others’ mistakes and make sure they won’t be repeated in her world. She should focus on the destination, knowing that you need to know exactly where you want to go before there’s any point in trying to figure out how to get there. The fact that her dreams seem impossible should not deter her, quite the opposite. She should agree with my idea that if you don’t like the beaten path before you, you should head off into the jungle and make your own. Even if you’ll fall a hundred times on your butt and a dozen times on your head and you might very well die before ever reaching your destination, at least you’ll know that you did your best. However, our ideas about how things should be don’t have to be similar. As long as hers wouldn’t contradict any of the important issues I’m listing here and she’d like debates, differences could actually make things interesting.
She should care about the environment, putting it above the economy and even humanity as a whole, and do something about it. That “something” could be anything from signing petitions and discussing environmental issues with people now and then to being a member of an environmental organization, participating in protests and meeting with officials. Being “rabid” about it might put me off initially, but at the same time it might just provide the kick in the butt I need in order to become more involved myself. Of course, her lifestyle must reflect her concerns, you can’t claim to care for the environment if you drive an SUV, for example.
She must not be in the “rat race” and must not care for fame or fortune. She must not allow herself to be dragged away by “real life”, not even in order to “create change from within”. She should know that anything you do to “fit in” only makes the current world order stronger and therefore reduces the chance for change, so she should focus on her relationships and dreams, make them be the best they can be and constantly play her part, as little as it may be, in bringing about that major change. And speaking of her priorities, as a close friend, my place would be behind her significant other and best friend, if they would exist in her life, and also behind whatever would be directly required in order to create the change she dreams about, but ahead of everything else. She’d enjoy the same position in my life, of course.

Having gotten past the key issues, I should now also add some “recommended” things as well. These aren’t required, but it would help a lot if they’d also be true.
She should be interested in computers, both hardware and software. If she’d have some programming skills (besides (X)HTML and CSS), it might just make me want to learn again. Otherwise, an interest in computers would provide a great topic for conversation when we’d want to take a break from the deep discussions. If she’d also like computer games, even better. Most kinds would help, but I’m mainly talking about single-player RPGs, those are my focus. She should stay away from consoles, though. By the way, for me it’s PCs, Windows, Intel and NVIDIA. I will go through the Windows versus Linux debate very calmly (possibly because I have plenty of issues with Windows myself, but I have more with Linux), but mention Macs, AMD or ATI (now also AMD) to me at your own risk.
She should like reading, but not realistic things. Stick to fantasy and some SF and we’ll have a lot to talk about. I find that this ties in rather well with being a dreamer, in which case it might be a given. If she’d read books in English and could loan me some, even better. But, of course, this has nothing to do with getting along with her.
Back to relationships for a moment. It’d be great if she’d also support polyamory. I’m talking about the (mostly) “closed” kind, not open relationships or swinging but steady relationships between three or more people. You don’t go around looking for other people, but adding another person to the relationship is possible if you happen to fall in love with someone who agrees with the situation, as long as everyone else who’s already involved agrees too. (I know that the term polyfidelity describes what I’m talking about more accurately, but I just wanted to explain.) If she actually is (or was) involved in something like this, it’d be a great topic for conversation. She shouldn’t see the fact that I also support this as an excuse to tell me to look for someone else even if I still love Andra, though.
As far as religion goes, I think it would help if she’d believe in something, it’d be an interesting topic for debate. Of course, she must have chosen her beliefs according to her own ideas, not let anyone else impose theirs on her, and even so she must not let her religion run her life, she must always question and adapt her beliefs and never try to force them on anyone else. This also applies if she’d be some kind of Neopagan, wouldn’t want her to be that serious about it even if our beliefs would be similar, though it would be somewhat interesting if we’d agree on these things.
And I certainly didn’t see myself saying this a few of years ago, but it’d also help if she’d have similar tastes in music, namely the more melodic kinds of metal. She should also be very interested in the lyrics and focus on those that deal with love and loss and/or how humanity harms the Earth. Besides being something to talk about, you can express a lot in a song, so it’d help if each would know what the other is talking about when they’d say that this or that song expresses exactly what they’re thinking or feeling.

I guess this would be it, at a glance. Now, how likely is it to ever stumble upon somebody like that? Yeah, I thought so…