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Another September 27th…

Three years ago she was leaving… Three years of pain, sorrow and suffering for me, three years during which all my plans, hopes and dreams have died, leaving only an empty shell… That’s all that’s left of me, and that’s all I’ll ever be, unless a miracle happens and someday I’ll get another chance from her. If that miracle won’t happen and I’ll somehow live that long, these three years will turn into six, or nine, or 30… She was the only real reason to live I’ve ever had, the only reason to fight to become all that I could be. But it wasn’t enough, all I could be was not enough and that’s how it’ll always be, how I’ll always be…
So I’m left with memories, struggling not to let them fade but dreading the reality that some of them inevitably will, or already have. Actually, I’m dreading all reality as long as it’s without her. At least tonight I managed to get all the passwords for “those” files correctly and in the right order on the first try, I’m quite sure that this is the first time that happens…
I wonder if she ever asked herself what might have been. And, if so, what her answer was… Actually, I wonder if she even remembers the last moments before she left, or our last talks, while she was there. Quite sure that she remembers her first moments there, with him, but what about what came before? I wonder if it ever really meant anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite sure she thought it meant a lot at the time, but did it really? What does she think now?
I’m left at the crossroads of dying hopes and shattered dreams. But I do have to take the hope, dying as it is. I have to hope in order to live (though this can hardly be called living), and since I’m too much of a coward to kill myself… That’s all I have in front of me, being undead, clinging to a false hope simply because it’s the only thing I can do.

Not that you’ll ever read this, but I love you, Andra, and I always will. Forever means forever, no matter what.

3 Comments

  1. Kat says:

    Not that I would say anything about this subject, cause I really dislike it… Six year ago on September the 27th I left home.

    September 30, 2008 @ 12:04 PM

  2. Cavalary says:

    And is that good or bad?

    (Funny, just yesterday I remembered to check out your blog, after about a month and a half.)

    September 30, 2008 @ 2:02 PM

  3. Kat says:

    Good question! I don’t know! It was disturbing! But that was the path then, and I have no habit in regretting the past.

    (and you think it’s a coincidence that I checked your blog right after that… well you’re not that smart either)

    October 1, 2008 @ 12:07 PM

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