A Storm and a Supposedly Busy Day
As I’m starting to write this, it’s been raining for over two and a half hours. Now it’s really calm, but at first it was quite a storm and likely the biggest lightning strike actually happened only about one hour ago. Unlike the first ones, that one was distant, as the thunder needed several seconds to get here, but it was very long, very deep and very loud when it did, quite literally shaking the whole building. And the flash seemed just blinding, though when it happened I was watching a movie, so not exactly looking out the window.
Actually, I think the rain just stopped right now, though it could start again. But that’s hardly a problem as long as I’m inside, seeing as I like to watch rain and storms… As long as my connection holds, at least, seeing as this one caused it to go out for two whole hours. Was actually wondering if some equipment got damaged again and they won’t replace it until tomorrow, if even then, but thankfully that wasn’t the case. Still, connection issues are that much worse now, seeing as I’m not talking to dad at all anymore and so I couldn’t tell him to ask them what’s going on.
No, things aren’t changing. I’m still scared of my own shadow and just rushing past when I absolutely need to get out of my room, all frightened that one of them would at some point try to say something or that some other scary thing would happen. Yesterday I had to run back here and leave food on the kitchen table since they left for a while and I went to grab something to eat, but I heard the key in the door before I was done. And today I just ducked and made myself as small as I could when I went out, thankfully in time to be back before the storm started.
I had certain things I meant to say here, but I can’t. It’s just been too long, so there’s no getting out of this. Five years and close to eight months now since she left and I’m still far from crazy enough to become oblivious to “reality” and just live in dreams and fantasies. So it can’t get any better because time only flows one way and the only thing that could fix everything isn’t going to happen in the future… If what I fear actually did come to pass, even the theoretical chance of that is gone.
I think I needed 30 minutes to write the above paragraph, so let’s just stop there, all right? Today was planned as a rather busy day, though of course still laughable for anyone who actually does anything. But you know what? Fuck you with glass shards glued to rusty metal poles if you think that! I had to go out a little, write a post, do the usual stuff in Forsaken World, write a fair bit more in something else as well, watch that movie to get rid of it and perhaps also submit some more things on MobyGames. So I’m done with the movie and the walk and this is the post, after realizing there was no way I could write the non-personal one I have in mind today. Only partially done with Forsaken World, so let’s hope my connection won’t fail again later. As for the writing and the submissions, let’s see what the night will bring. Did notice lately that it’s somewhat less difficult to write if I do it late at night…
Then again, I actually was busy in every sense of the word on Sunday, when I was alone and decided to make the most of it by finally spraying something on the mold. That involved moving everything towards the center of the room, spraying, cleaning and then moving everything back. The problem, of course, was that the stuff pooled on the floor a little and there was no way there could be enough time for it to dry by the time they got back, so I tried to just wipe a little and then moved the furniture back anyway. Not sure what the result of that will be, but just barely managed to finish in time even so.
Otherwise, right now I’m getting really excited about The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings, though I still haven’t even played the first one. These are really at the very top of the list of games I don’t want to play pirated, so that makes it quite a problem. Even more so now, when I couldn’t even ask dad for it, not to mention that I’d strongly prefer to just get a digital edition and that’s utterly impossible since I’d really have no way to pay. But if I were to buy it it’d probably have the same fate as the others, which is to say that I wouldn’t even start it for a long time and then abandon it at some point, so let’s just leave it as wishful thinking for now…
Reviewers do make it sound just outstanding though, especially when it comes to the story, the impact and importance of your decisions and the level of maturity of it all. Unfortunately, it does seem to have been rushed to the market too soon, so I’m expecting quite a few patches in the coming months to fix what they can of the issues, not to mention a fair number of actual additions to the game, but at least I trust this developer to actually do all of that, and properly too. And I also trust them to treat the gamers fairly, which is unfortunately more and more of a rarity. Their attitude is, after all, perhaps even more important than the quality of the games themselves when it comes to deciding not to play them pirated.
But I’ve been struggling with writing this for over and hour and a half now and God’s Trial is open, so I’ll rush to Forsaken World to get Calad through it as well, then finish the other things I have to do…
hi! I’m Romanian, my englih is not as good as my romanian, french or italian for that matter, but since english is the vehicle here, I’ll use it.
just wanted to say something obvious for you too, but neverthelessextremely dangerous and mindblowing: yous have issues that only a professional could help solving. I say that in all good faith (it means I’m not judging, I’m just noticing a fact) and I really hope you’ll get somehow the professional help needed. sooner rather than later.
but I doubt you will, considering nobody around you (mainly your parents) seem to realize the situation.
I have a personal story too, as everybody. it includes a death (of my significant other), an illness (of one of my parents) and all the everyday issues. I say that just in case you were wondering why I took the time to write here.
so you can easily realize I understand not only in theory, but from the heart and soul flesh and bones perspective.
you’re trapped in something you don’t want to get out from. andra will never get you back. that’s for sure. I’m sorry I have to put it so bluntly…
as for all the other things…
get help somehow. it would be a shame if your soul (how much is left from it) would remain stuck on the things your mind builds just in order to get from one day to the other…
June 2, 2011 @ 9:52 AM
Oh hell, this was a pain in the butt to recover since I just sort of went on auto-pilot and deleted it (from trash as well), being too used with the other person who kept posting in Romanian recently. But since it’d have been the first non-spam post in English that I didn’t approve, I dug deep to recover it and reinsert it manually in the database.
Hope the effort’s appreciated. Now move along… This sort of thing might have obtained a reaction from me (namely anger) until this happened, but since then…
June 4, 2011 @ 3:09 AM
I will move along, but is you who doesn’t. I’m not judging.
you need help, professional one.
I can’t say good luck to someone who’s undead, as you yourself mentioned.
so I’ll say I hope someday you’ll get it, though I doubt you’ll do that……………….
sad, sad, sad…. it’s sad to watch someone killing himself this way.
June 4, 2011 @ 4:01 AM
Yes you are (judging, I mean).
… And it’s not like I had the guts it to do in a more proper way.
June 4, 2011 @ 4:07 AM
cav, I’m not judging. I’m observing facts. you have psy issues, very serious ones. I’ll be here after ten years or so. let’s talk then, if you’ll still be functioning. I doubt strngly you will…
and I’m so sorry for that…
you have anxiety, paranoia, dillusion, depresssion that could turn bipolar. and not to talk about borderline personality…
it’s so easy to say someone’s judging when that someone (me, in this case) just tells you facts you don’t wanna hear…
June 4, 2011 @ 1:12 PM
There is one way in which I’ll be functioning. You just so nicely said it won’t happen, but I see you read that post I linked to so you know why I can’t have that. If I’d go off the deep end enough to just be in my dreamworld, unaware of the nightmare that is “reality”, it wouldn’t matter I guess, but as long as I’m far from crazy enough for that I need to hold on to this if I’m to even get out of bed at any point… Though it sure is working worse and worse lately and obviously not going to get any better unless facts do first. Which obviously means that at some point I won’t be functioning at all anymore, sure, it’s not rocket science, but there was no point in functioning so far either, so no loss there if the future only holds more of the same from the point of view I care about. Just sad that it took so long, in that case…
Now let’s see, accusations…
Anxiety: Yep, a part of my personality that does not make me harm others who don’t deserve it (like, say, being a psycho killer would). In general, anyone’s mind is exactly as it should be unless it causes them to unwillingly cause real harm to others who don’t deserve it (in which case they should just be kept separate from said others, but still otherwise offered a good life as much as possible). As such, society should ensure that everyone can live well and, if they so desire, achieve something exactly as they are.
Paranoia: Well, in certain cases past (and current) experience seems to justify it. See right now for one. Hardly anyone contacted me first in the 5 years since I got thrown back here, but now I have several people contacting me within days of each other, all but one Romanian, all but one (not the same one) giving me more or less the same lines. And this happens just when I’m pulling away even more from everyone. Seems easy to conclude that something highly suspicious is going on… Then you have dad, where I can say that, historically, an assumption that he will not do something he says he would or that he will do something highly undesirable for me while hiding it from me until the very last moment (and possibly even afterwards, if he can), is generally proven correct far more often than not, so it’s much safer to go on it from the beginning… As for the two truly major concerns, well, in one case I have some circumstantial evidence in support of my fear, in the other I may just be imagining things, don’t know for sure and don’t care to look for more detailed information just it case it would confirm my suspicions even more, but either of these only need to happen once for all to be over so it’s not like I can have any past experience to go on.
Delusion: Hm, had to look up an exact definition of that and now that I did I’m not sure how it’s different from paranoia, so see above…
Depression: It’s a normal and expected response to bad things happening or to not enough good things happening to make life worthwhile. What’s worrying are the people who “get over it” all the time, whatever “it” is, and just encourage bad things to keep happening because, you know, “nobody’ll die of it”, right? In general, really don’t see how could a person with a brain to think things through and sensory organs to see what’s going on in the world be anything other than depressed. And when you add such important personal matters on top of it… Again, what’d be wrong would be to be in any other state under these circumstances.
Bipolar? Wouldn’t that imply that I’d also be very happy at times for no apparent reason? That sounds highly unlikely.
Borderline? You know, could never quite figure out what that means…
Did some of those “what’s your mental illness” tests and considering the scores you might have missed a few, I think. Let’s see if I find that particular one again… Yep, here we go:
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
Still find that narcissistic score oddly high.
Anyway, yeah, you forgot a few.
June 4, 2011 @ 3:21 PM
borderline is the main issue you have. no wonder you don’t get its meaning, because is very tricky.
we all have borderline manifestations, but only some have syndrome (sorry if i misspelled it).
obsessive is very high, antisocial is very high, considering you won’t even get out of your room.
some talk with a therapist would make it clear for you.
but then again, you don’t talk to people, you just type to some very few internet presences which don’t even have faces.
you do your best to get worse, to cultivate your issues.
and yet you wait for love. it will not happen if you remain in the cage and do your best to make it more and more little.
so your sense of reality is zero, although you claim to be realistic.
that’s delusion. the difference between delusion and paranoia should not be so difficult to make, considering…
you froze yourself to a point in time and broke contact with your inner self, creating a robotic self that produces things that end up taking control of you.
you’re the victim of the obsessions you created. that’s why your lost, at least for the moment.
and you use every occasion to justify your state instead of fighting to be well.
hoping doesn’t mean sitting in a room, as a parasite of your parents, typing online about how you hope.
hoping means trying something concrete, real, not doing your best to cultivate the thing that destroy you.
that’s why I told you you are killing yourself. so I guess you can call yourself brave, you do kill yourself. the difference between what you’re doing and the ones that kill themselves in an instant it’s only a method issue.
that’s all.
and believe me i know people who killed themselves in an instant. I do not talk from books….
June 4, 2011 @ 3:51 PM
and sorry for the typing errors I made.
June 4, 2011 @ 3:53 PM
I believe you’re confusing OCD with dependent (according to those test results). Also really confusing antisocial with, hm, avoidant I think? Antisocial largely refers to what I said above is the only real problem, what makes you specifically harm others.
Feel that I am talking to a therapist right now. As every time when someone takes such a line, it’s mildly amusing.
Not waiting for love in general, just for something very specific. And if, as you pointed out, that’s impossible, what’d be the point in doing anything anyway?
My sense of reality is probably just that of a typical INTP. Saw a result once that said INTPs only care about current reality inasmuch as it lets them describe exactly what needs to be changed. That’s about it. And the definition I found of delusional was a person who is convinced that certain things that are proven false but could theoretically be plausible are true, as long as they’re not also seeing or hearing things that aren’t there, as that’d become something else.
I’m quite in contact with my inner self, thank you. It’s most of the rest of the world, bar a few people, I’m trying to cut off from completely.
We all use every occasion to justify ourselves. See here. And there’s only one “well” scenario I’d consider as such.
Actually, hoping means hoping. Trying is doing, quite different. Usually tends to require a real motivation as well. As in, you know, really thinking that you can achieve what you’re trying for.
Nah, can’t call myself brave. If I were I wouldn’t be alive anymore. The method does make all the difference here…
June 4, 2011 @ 4:14 PM
the point in doing things is not being a megalomaniac and waiting for the universe to do that specific irealistic thing.
you are lying to yourself and not making the necessary distinctions between things.
in fact, all you do is justifying your laziness and the fact you are not able, nor willing to make a living of your own, to be able, for instance, to buy your own food. that’s a parasite, sorry. just a fact.
but you have pretentions…
June 4, 2011 @ 4:29 PM
you realize that without your parents you would not even have the computer that keeps you “alive”?
you realize you refuse to have ANY independence and that your parents do not have the obligation to keep you physically alive?
that’s a thing you should do: being able to maintain yourself alive / buying your food, paying your rent etc.
the rest is bullshit… sorry for the strong word.
but I’m not sorry for being blunt.
where’ the humanity in you if you think only about how to maintain your obsessions and not at all at the ones without whom you couldn’t have not event the possibility to type the enormities you type…
no wonder andra doesn’t even talk to you anymore…
June 4, 2011 @ 4:49 PM
Ah, finally, that “not sorry” bit made this have some point after all. You weren’t sorry about being blunt the first time either, but you had to hide behind your finger. (Not that you should be sorry for expressing an opinion.)
The point in doing things is doing something that goes towards something you see any point in doing. Basically anything that doesn’t involve her falls under things I don’t exactly see any point in, and usually specifically do not want.
Actually used that wording in my old OKC profile. Under “what I’m doing with my life” it read: “Wasting it and/or being a parasite by most people’s standards… What I think about it? I think my parents made me without me demanding it of them, so they are obligated to provide for me for as long as they’re in any way able to do so.”
Very general opinion there, mind you. Any parent has that same obligation towards any child of theirs, no matter what that child does or doesn’t do or their age. So I very much realize that, but they do have that obligation.
But you are getting slightly boring. Not saying anything I haven’t heard before.
June 4, 2011 @ 5:12 PM
hiding?
told you you are a parasite number of times.
and you have no right to complain when you don’t do anything.
I pitty your parents…
I see you don’t even go there. but it’s tipical…
at least have the humanity in you to say ‘thank you, parents, without you I’d be a homeless dying from inanition”.
and you should say that every day, every time you hip a key on your keyboard, every time you eat, every time you wash yourself, every time you get some clothes on, everytime you sit on something, under their roof.
June 4, 2011 @ 5:18 PM
Without them I wouldn’t have been born and wouldn’t be suffering in the first place. Wouldn’t need food, shelter, etc. either. The only acceptable parent is a perfect one, and no human is perfect, so any parent has a whole lot to atone for. (If everyone would get that idea it could sure help a lot with the world’s most important problem…)
So who are you, exactly?
June 4, 2011 @ 5:22 PM
*hit a key
and question: why don’t you just go on the streets and test your capacity to take life in your hands?
it’s enormous to have the guts to complain all day as long as ALL YOU HAVE IS NOT YOUR MERIT. THEREFORE, ALL YOU ARE IS NOT YOUR MERIT, ’cause without what you have in order to survive you won’t even be alive.
you wanna die?
HAVE THE GUTS TO GO ON THE STREETS AND DIE FROM INANITION.
that would be fair to everyone.
I’m not wishing your death. I just make a point concerning your hypocrisy…
June 4, 2011 @ 5:22 PM
Did I ever claim I had that capacity? Or in fact any desire for it? Or ever wanted to live in the first place (bar the time spent with Andra)?
But you are getting angry. You no longer think straight when you’re angry, did you know that?
June 4, 2011 @ 5:26 PM
haha
I’m not angry, just seing you’re blind, that’s why the caps on.
so, parasite, go thank the others you can even type all this bullshit…
’cause I see you don’t even think…
June 4, 2011 @ 5:31 PM
We always assume that anyone who disagrees with a strong conviction of ours is either blind, an idiot or has ulterior motives. In this sense, at least, you and I are no different.
June 4, 2011 @ 5:33 PM
I see you don’t even answer about the fact that without your parents you’d be n even bigger zero…
you’re hopeless.
and now I can rest and pray for your parents to have the strength to go through what you put them in..
June 4, 2011 @ 5:35 PM
beliefs?
you make me laugh…
parasite, what rights you have to speak when you do nothing to be a PERSON?
hush now, I got the point you don’t think straight…
June 4, 2011 @ 5:37 PM
Weird. Thought I had.
June 4, 2011 @ 5:37 PM
nope, you don’t.
June 4, 2011 @ 5:43 PM