Cav's Place

Just spent a couple of hours in bed, alternating between curling up in a ball, rocking myself, clawing at sheets, clothes, skin and hair, thinking, daydreaming and trying to ignore the completely erratic beating of my heart. As such, I’m quite certain that nothing else is going to be written here this week, unless miracles happen. I’m really running out of space for personal posts, but I don’t really care anymore. I may just drop all those rules and any idea this blog was originally created for and just keep writing only such posts, to let out things that I see I’m better off only telling myself, or nobody at all.
Still looking for someone who’d fully understand this and agree with me. Or disagree in the sense of saying I should do far more to get her back and offering serious advice along those lines that wouldn’t involve playing any tricks or doing things that would require me to no longer be true to myself. That’d probably be even better… But understanding and agreement first, so all I have to say to all those who “just sometimes think it’ll pass”, tell me to “find some other girl” or keep quiet about the issue until I mention one of these other things and then haltingly express their agreement with whoever “had the balls to say it”, to mention only what I got today, is that my answer stays the same.
Actually, if that “I just sometimes think it’ll pass” wouldn’t have come from the person I most recently started having personal conversations with, it probably would have gotten a post of its own. Unfortunately, that person did get a link to that post before as well, yet this complete lack of understanding of the issue is still very obvious. But there’s little else to do, or at least little else I care to do, other than point people who tell me such things to that post and tell them to read it very carefully before saying anything else. In some cases it even partially worked, making people understand what I feel, apologize for ever suggesting such things before and not mentioning them again. The full agreement part is still missing, however.
Wish I wouldn’t need to look for someone who’d understand and agree with this. In fact, wish nobody would ever go through it… But that’s not how things stand, so I guess I’ll keep being all fucked up, running to the bathroom so I won’t shit in my pants three times per day and trying probably more and more desperate things as the time passes. As for whether it’s worth it, which was the question that followed in that conversation, I can only say that I’ll only be able to answer that with my dying breath. If I’ll somehow succeed soon enough to be able to say, on my dying day, that I spent more time with her than apart, then absolutely. And if I’ll fail in that but at least have her next to me at the end, it’ll still be something. If not, at least I’d have lived and died true to my feelings and beliefs. So whether or not this is actually worth it depends on the end result, but doing anything other than this would make absolutely everything be completely worthless and absolutely nothing could ever change that.