Cav's Place

Since I finished this hours ago but can only post it after midnight, I’m using the file time. With that out of the way, I’ll start by saying that, after needing all of three days, April 19 to 21, to read Skykeep and also post the quick review for it, I mean to also go through Ichor Well this week, but let’s see how it’ll go after writing this. That’s also because, on the one hand, I’m at a point in Lionheart that makes me wary of continuing, which should therefore make me push myself to do just that so I won’t give up on it for who knows how long, while on the other, I really should let the computer go through the work units it has to go through, for both MilkyWay@home, which is the current emergency, since until last evening I had suspended that project and they’re about to time out, and SETI@home, since I received quite a number and am just about to reach that target credit of 7.5 million, but shouldn’t risk waiting long enough for them to be canceled, if that will happen.
On the topic of SETI@home, received 33 work units on April 18, then had just finished those when I received a full quota of 150 the following night, which also means that the maximum work units per day limit doesn’t apply anymore, or perhaps it never did, or not in this manner, since mine was way lower at that time, considering that mess. That still wouldn’t have been enough, but I then received 60 more, the first two coming separately, Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, when I quickly checked when I woke up to go to the toilet, and the other 58 coming at once later on Wednesday, taking me back to a full quota, so there would have likely been more available if I’d have finished more by then. Those would have just barely been enough, if I calculated everything correctly, taking me at most a few hundred credits over that threshold, and possibly even less than 100, but after seeing calls to cancel unneeded tasks, as in those that have already been validated but which have been sent to more than the necessary number of users, since that’s what the project is doing now in order to hasten the completion of all remaining work units, I was worried that it’ll actually happen, and my chances of hitting that target depended on completing all those tasks, when only a few of them were actually still needed, the other computers which had received them being way faster. However, Sunday night I got back to a full quota, receiving 117 more tasks, so once again I’d have probably received more if I’d have finished more before then. And this should ensure that I’ll get well over 7.5 million, but I’m not quite there yet, have to pause SETI@home for the next few days to catch up with MilkyWay@home, and just about all of these new, for me, tasks that I have remaining have already been validated as well, so I certainly hope they won’t end up being canceled by then and leave me so near and yet so far…

Before moving on to the two days when I went out, I’ll add here that last Sunday I sent an e-mail to Elena P. as well, since there was no sign otherwise, but did say that nothing good can come of it and I likely shouldn’t have sent the earlier messages either, so in case this will be the last contact it’d at least be fitting, since the last contact 18 years ago was also around Easter. The address I found is quite clearly her work one, and I did find it on a site where mental health professionals volunteer their services for those who need them during this period, and there was a phone number there as well, and I did consider sending a message that way, making it less obvious who I am, to possibly prompt a reply that way, but as I said, nothing good can come of it anyway, so decided against it. And, of course, there was no reply to the e-mail.
Other than that, slept poorly Saturday morning. Kept waking up, wasn’t sure when I was awake and caught in worries and fears and when I was asleep and having nightmares, got up at noon to go to the bathroom and noticed that my gums were bleeding, on the lower right side, and the bleeding wouldn’t stop until I held cold water there for a while… Spent some time on the computer after that and meant to also wait for the 1 PM daily report, but dad woke up just before that time and I disconnected, watching the news on TV instead, then played a little more Lionheart and crawled back in bed. Couldn’t get back to sleep though, also being bothered by noise made by dad and the upstairs neighbor, and while things were quieter after 2 PM or so, I can’t really say how much I slept even after that, if at all, until I finally got up, at 3:40 PM. It is possible that I did nap for up to one hour, but it’s also possible that I spent at least most of that time just curled up in a ball, caught in those same thoughts, unable to find any comfortable position and feeling that I was just cracking apart, going through the reasons why and feeling like I was running out of mental “breath” before I could even finish the list…

Last week’s run was Thursday, when I again had the alarm wake me up at 11 AM, had the usual stuff plus almonds, with a piece of apple pie as something sweet, and went out at 1:15 PM, when the reported temperature was 18°C, though it was rather windy at times. Had the running pants and t-shirt and the regular shoes, but this time around didn’t take the other stuff I was going to need later with me, so I just went for the run at first. The problem was that I had eaten some things that didn’t really agree with me those days, probably starting with having too many eggs and possibly also including some of the sweets, but at least I finally managed to get rid of some excess weight before leaving, after three days of being constipated.
Under those circumstances, I only aimed to stay under 50 minutes and the time was 49:52.40, with lap times of 12:28.18, 12:24.09, 12:38 (12:37.80) and 12:22.33. On lap one I had to stop for a few seconds to let a car pass, deciding not to risk trying to squeeze ahead of it past the spot where the sidewalk was blocked even though I’d have had time to do so, and it also slowed for a speed bump, making me wait even longer. On the first two laps there was also a large car parked so I had to pick my way around it at the end of that alley in that nicer bit of the route, and on lap two there was a woman with a dog there as well, just standing in that area and talking on the phone, so I had to also squeeze past her the first time, and then she moved in front of the car and the dog’s leash meant that the next two times I had to pass through that spot before leaving that area I had to go around another car, and also a tree once. Then, on lap three, I think I had to briefly stop for two cars, though there’s a chance that one of them was on lap four, also slow for another and weave to make room for a couple of others. As for lap four, an old woman with a little dog had stopped to talk to someone else at the end of that same alley, the dog being off the leash and making for my legs each time I passed by, making me need to be careful each time I passed that spot. The dog had also charged for my legs as I passed them on lap three, when they were walking to that area, but she had the leash to pull it back then, while on lap four she was just calling to it, only picking it up after I passed the first time but putting it back down before I came through there the second time.

Had a whole lot of recyclables to take out, including those things I take to Kaufland, and had placed them near the door, along with my jacket and the bag with the other stuff, so after the run I just came up, grabbed everything and left again. Had some tiny insect end up in my eyelashes on the way to Kaufland, and trying to blow it away obviously didn’t work with the mask on, and I didn’t want to touch my face, but it eventually did end up blown to my cap and I could pick it off that. That actually happened just as I was about to reach a bank that’s close to that Kaufland, since I went there first, meaning to make that donation, but a note stated that the location in question was closed during the state of emergency, so I had to leave it for another time.
After dropping off those things I drop off there and checking prices in Kaufland, I also went to that Carrefour and got a few things. Kept hovering around the cucumbers, trying to get an amount that’d result in a total that I had exact change for, but it was hard to pick some that weren’t too bad in the first place, and there were employees standing around there as well, and also trying to pick some for those who had ordered on-line, and one even commented about how bad they were, so I didn’t try enough times to manage that. That did lead to discovering quite a trick they were trying to pull, however, since I once used the scales next to the fruits and the price was almost double, though it was correct at the two that were closest to them. So I waited until I could weigh them there again, finished shopping there, then went back to also get what I wanted from Kaufland and walked back. Also checked the nearby Mega Image for cabbage, but it was too expensive, so I went right back out and was just entering the building at 5 PM. Interestingly, the mask seemed better than last time, little water getting through when I washed it after getting back, though the spot where I think the tip of the nose is has the inner lining rubbed off pretty much completely.

This week’s run was yesterday, when I again slept poorly. Woke up just after 8 AM and wanted to pee, but dad was there at the time, so I had to wait for a while and had a hard time getting back to sleep after that, and kept waking up even when I did happen to manage to fall asleep. There were again moments when I wasn’t sure whether I was having nightmares or was just wrapped in my thoughts, but definitely had nightmares about computer problems, so it was something of a relief when the alarm again rang at 11 AM. Felt quite exhausted, but had the usual stuff plus almonds, and a slice of cozonac with honey as something sweet, spent quite some time on the toilet and only managed to get a little out, then went out when it was almost 1:20 PM, wearing the running pants and the regular shoes, but also a regular t-shirt. The reported temperature was again around 18°C, but there was less wind and it actually felt quite hot when there was no shade.
The time was an embarrassing 50:27.09, with lap times of 12:39.18, 12:26.43, 12:40 (12:39.51) and 12:42 (12:41.97), the main problem being that I had happened to hear how this type of mask is actually supposed to be worn and realized how much I had been breathing over it so far, since I bent that metal thing in order to have it fit around my nose before leaving and immediately realized that I won’t have any chance to run that way. Loosened it a bit at that point, but still had it on much more properly than before, and that made it a struggle, which became quite a desperate one on the last half a lap. There weren’t many other problems, only needing to slow for a car on that same lap four, just as the situation was starting to get desperate, plus something getting in my eye on lap two and bothering me for quite a long time, forgetting that loop once again for a moment on lap one and needing to turn around after a few meters, and slowing for a few seconds at the start of that same lap four to see the time better. But I was just out of air, and trying to breathe it in faster than it could get through the mask also meant that my nostrils were closing. Tried to manage it, resigning myself to the pace I could maintain under those circumstances, but on lap four I tried to push harder and things got a whole lot worse after turning around here, my nostrils starting to close pretty much completely. I tried not to, but soon enough I was forced to occasionally breathe in through my mouth and also pulled on the mask a few times, and probably made the fact that I had been wearing it at all completely irrelevant when I believe I stuck a finger inside a nostril to try to open it up again. I’m not completely sure, but my nose had just closed completely as I was pushing and I felt that if I didn’t get enough air in before the next step I’ll black out, so I just reacted in desperation.

Had bags and money with me again, so I kept going after the run, at first having a quick look in the nearby Mega Image, then walking to the Dristor metro station, mostly using the alleys between buildings, to leave those two old found cards, as they were about to expire. One only had one trip left on it, but the other listed eight yet I seem to remember seeing that it actually only had two left when I found it, the machines not printing the other uses, so I wanted to check again and write the real number above the little message, since I had written a little message on each, saying that anyone who needed a trip could take them. It didn’t work, however, the first machine reacting when I touched the “i” but just telling me to remove the card, without displaying any information, after that, and then no longer doing anything at all when I again touched that “i”, and the other three I tried not reacting at all from the beginning, despite repeated attempts. So I just left them on one, but at that point the cashier told me to not do that and that there’s a trash can nearby, and another person joined in when I went to the cashier instead, before they actually listened enough to hear that I was saying I wanted to leave them for those who needed them. The cashier then said that the wind will just blow them away, and a woman was just coming in, so when I spotted her behind me I asked whether she wanted some metro cards that are about to expire and she asked whether they were monthly passes, but the cashier urged her to just take them and she did, so I just told her the number of trips I thought were still on them and left.
From there, there was a slightly shorter route to Kaufland, but I spotted the sign for another location of that bank I needed to get to for that donation and went towards it instead, despite having checked and knowing that it should also be closed during this period, the open one being located past that Kaufland. And it was indeed closed, but since I kept going that way after passing by it, I also spotted a small shop that had Romanian cabbage that looked good enough for the lowest price I’ve seen these days, so I kept that in mind.
When I reached that area, I first checked that pet shop, seeing that they had indeed raised the prices for that kind of cat food as well, and dad had asked me to get some more for Rocky. Then I also checked prices at Kaufland, also for mouthwash, since he had also told me that my mother wanted some and the day’s offer was actually 30% off for all oral care products. Also looked at bread, but now, at least in that location, customers aren’t allowed in the bakery area anymore, but since they didn’t change the area and the products are readily accessible and not bagged anymore, they actually stop you from even approaching, so when I was trying to squint to read the ingredients an employee came and told me to ask her if I wanted anything, then quickly told me what the types of bread in the area I was looking at were made of, but in general terms when I just wanted to read the actual list of ingredients, exactly, for two or three of them.
Went back out after that, wanting to take care of that donation first. Was also wondering whether I should also go to Auchan, since that cat food should now be slightly cheaper there and there was also a chance of finding some bread I’d like more, but there was also the risk of going there for nothing and the time didn’t add up, so I just went to that bank. Had to wait outside for a while, since they only allow two people inside and there were two already there, but it wasn’t that long before one came out and I probably finished even faster. The infuriating part was that the person there told me there will be a fee, which turned out to be 10 RON, and I gather it’s a fixed fee, but since I was donating 50 RON, it ended up deducting 20% from the amount donated. Good thing I waited until I could put more aside and didn’t go to donate the 20 RON I initially had in mind, as that’d have been pretty much pointless. Did I mention how much I hate banks?
Back to that pet shop after that, getting that cat food, and then to Kaufland as well, getting what I wanted, plus some bread for dad that was discounted because it was expiring soon. Should have been three of those, but when I scanned the first one, which was actually the better one, at the self-checkout, I found myself holding slices of bread, the bag tearing, though I hadn’t noticed it being torn when I picked it up. That caused me to make a startled noise and the employee who was nearby told me to hand it to her if I no longer wanted it, but then immediately moved to help someone else, without canceling it as well, so I had to wait for her to finish and do that before I could scan anything else. But there were no other problems.
Used the same route on the way back, to return to that small shop and get a cabbage, and then I passed through the farmers’ market to get apples as well. Got two kinds, but only half a kilogram of the second kind, and the moment was rather awkward, since I was looking over the types that were on that stall and stopped at the pile that was right at the end, which turned out to not belong to the woman who had asked what I wanted. She followed me and weighed them, but I initially dismissed the slight bitterness I thought I heard in her voice when she asked whether those were the ones I wanted, until she asked what the price was and said that they weren’t hers. That prompted a surprised reaction from me, since she was the only person there at the time, so I just assumed that they were all her apples, even though I had indeed moved to the next stall, but at that point it was too late to perhaps get back to her stall and buy some of hers instead. She actually had some of the same kind and at the same price, but I liked those from the pile I chose a little better and until she said that I didn’t wonder why would the same person have the same product, at the same price, in two different piles. Did feel rather awkward because of it, but I took the apples, gave her the money and left her and the other person to sort it out I guess.
Got something else in my eye, actually the same eye, on the way back, and if I think that what got in my eye during the run was a small petal, that seemed worse and my eye occasionally stung for hours after I got back, though by the time I went to bed it seemed fine again. But I was back at 5 PM, again sticking to the schedule I made for the days when I’ll go out during this period… And had another banana, which again made me feel nauseous. But I was apparently lucky to be able to take a shower then, because there had been no hot water when I left and the problem returned today, so I caught just the right moment.

I wouldn’t even dare to hope to write something that’d be anywhere close to doing justice to a day that isn’t just Earth Day, but the 50th anniversary of Earth Day. I doubt it’s even possible, since there can be nothing more important for our species than the one planet we can live on, currently and for the foreseeable future, the planet we share with all other lifeforms we’re currently aware of, and the planet we are, or should be, responsible for. This should make us finally realize that our position as the dominant species that’s also capable of altering the entire ecosystem, the planet as a whole, according to our will makes us its stewards, not its masters. It should make us finally realize that our position gives us a duty to care for it and all other species we share it with, offering good living conditions for them as well and fixing the damage already caused, not any right to exploit and destroy at will, for the fulfillment for our selfish, short-term and usually shortsighted whims and desires.
Of course, that means there should be no need and, in fact, no place for a particular Earth Day. Every day should be Earth Day, and not in any formal sense, but in terms of our behavior, also as individuals but mainly as a society and as a species. Our lives, all rules and regulations, be they written or unwritten, the systems and concepts that our society is based on, they must all recognize these truths and be shaped according to them. This should have happened decades ago, probably around the time of the first Earth Day, this being a necessary condition for avoiding disaster and offering all those alive today the chance to have a good life on a healthy planet, but if we would just stop right now, immediately, and overhaul everything according to these principles, we may still have a chance to avoid the worst of it and allow for a better future, even if it may well be too distant for us to experience ourselves.

Unfortunately, what’s actually happening is quite the opposite, the crisis caused by the new coronavirus being pretty much the only thing almost everyone seems to still be able to think or talk about. Some environmental problems may still enter the mainstream, but only when it comes to how they relate to the appearance or effects of this virus, an event of this magnitude being required for the much bigger crisis affecting the environment, a crisis that we are directly responsible for, to get a passing mention, if even that. And that’s despite the fact that the magnitude of the environmental crisis should be perfectly obvious even from that infuriating anthropocentric point of view that’s such a major part of its cause, for example even the most conservative estimates stating that the reduced air pollution caused by the reduction in economic activity caused by the measures taken against the new virus saves many times more lives than the virus takes, and that’s even without considering the effects of air pollution on the death rates of COVID-19 patients.
Admittedly, there is an initiative, supported by many media institutions and journalists, aimed at changing that, but when you look at what’s actually happening, even those partners that pay it more than lip service don’t act anything like they’d be in any way aware of the true importance and gravity of the situation. Plus that even that initiative is only focused on climate change, which is but a symptom of our behavior, and likely not even the most important one, and the stories published on the current topic of “climate solutions” may well do more harm than good, offering the false impression that technological “fixes” and/or small lifestyle changes could somehow solve the problem and still allow for business as usual to more or less continue, allowing people to feel good about themselves while in fact continuing to worsen the problem, or at least doing far from enough to have any significant beneficial effects.

On that topic, did watch Planet of the Humans last night and found the general idea to be absolutely correct. That doesn’t mean that my otherwise poor opinion of Michael Moore changed, because even if he supposedly took a step back in order for his collaborators to actually produce this documentary, the reasons for that poor opinion are obvious here as well, starting with conspiracy theories and also including the editing that’s all over the place, at times making the film hard to follow, and the misleading practices sometimes used when presenting the other side’s position, which is in fact so precarious that it’s actually strengthened by such practices, which only serve to seed doubt in the minds of discerning viewers. But, definitely, this “bright green” focus on technological solutions, the green energy that the documentary is mainly about but all other aspects as well, not to mention the even less relevant “everyday actions” supported by “light greens“, all of this isn’t just by no means enough, but likely harmful, for the reason I already stated above.
On the other hand, I’d have obviously wanted to see far more about overpopulation, which actually is the biggest problem, the one that needs to be solved before we’ll have any real chance to solve any other major environmental or social one, and which was indeed presented as not just the elephant but the entire herd of elephants in the room, yet was otherwise only offered one brief section that hardly included any real discussion. And I’d have liked those conspiracy theories about doing it all for profit to be replaced with the view, which was also only allowed a brief segment, that the environmentalists who advocate such “fixes” do so out of their need to believe that we can save ourselves and pretty much continue as we are, which belief causes them to delude themselves in such a manner in order to avoid despairing. But, again, the general idea is that such “fixes” can’t ever work and we need a fundamental shift, to use far less, be far fewer, live and behave very differently, also as individuals but mainly as a society, and that idea is absolutely correct.

The thing is that the current crisis proves that much can be done when people recognize that a crisis exists… Which obviously means that we never have recognized that any sort of environmental crisis existed at all, and still don’t, even the many environmental benefits of the current measures being only accidental and harming many in ways that could and should have been avoided if the measures would have been taken in the right way and for the right reasons, not to mention at the right time.
Speaking of those benefits, the magnitude of the necessary changes should become even clearer when you realize that, even if again focusing only on the matter of climate change, the estimated emissions reductions, while unprecedented and so far nearly unimaginable, are barely two thirds of what’d be necessary, and that’s according to estimates that usually tend to be too optimistic anyway. Yet plans for the necessary complete overhaul are nowhere to be seen and even some calling for local and far lesser improvements are few and far between, while on the other hand those seeking to make things much worse don’t waste any time. Just this list of policies being rolled back should be enough to make anyone shudder and despair, and that’s again focused on climate change and primarily on the United States, so one can only imagine how much is missing from it.

However, in the end… Today is Earth Day. Today is the Earth Day that falls on the 50th anniversary of Earth Day. Tomorrow is Earth Day. Tomorrow is the Earth Day that falls the day after the 50th anniversary of Earth Day. We need to recognize that, and act like it. Or at least those of us who recognize it need to act like it. If we don’t, who will?
Yes, it certainly looks like a lost battle, but continuing to fight it means that we, this world and all the species we share, or should be sharing, it with still have at least a theoretical chance. If we stop, or do less than we could, or delude ourselves into thinking that completely insufficient and possibly even harmful measures could be the right ones, only then will it all be truly lost. And maybe “there’s always hope, at least that’s what I tell myself when I awaken in the middle of the night and the only sound I can hear is the beating of my own desperate heart” may seem like a good way to put it, but hope isn’t really required. Belief in any chance of success isn’t required. We will fight because we must. Because it’s the difference between most probably failing and certainly failing. Most of all, we will fight because all reasonably advanced life on this planet, including many people who can do little more than barely survive and who may still, even in this day and age, lack the tools, the information or, to put it bluntly, the mental capacity required to even comprehend the severity of the situation, need us to.

Note: The review refers to the edition included in Free-Wrench Collection: Volume 1.

Must say that, after what was in fact just a NaNoWriMo project laid an interesting foundation, I expected more from what should have been a proper sequel. Yes, the world remains interesting and a few more details are presented, but Skykeep is just as short as Free-Wrench and more focused on action, leaving little room for worldbuilding, character development or making those points about some of the things that are wrong in our world. The call to fight against them still exists, however, being a part of the action. Still, there are some good things to be said about the development of Lil, perhaps to a small extent even Coop, and quite clearly about the inspectors. And the action is sufficiently gripping, the final chapter delivering on what was building up until then.
Taken like that, as just a story, and if you leave aside the few spots requiring better editing, including one where Coop apparently takes Gunner’s place as well even though he’s also in that scene at the same time, it’s good enough, reads quickly and keeps you interested to the end. It does seem more of a simple adventure, however, just a story taking place in a certain setting instead of the “proper” next book in a series. Then again, the Collection including the first three books in the series is probably the only one that should really count as a “proper” book…

Rating: 3/5

I keep meaning to write a post about the opportunity the current crisis offers to finally do what needs to be done to solve the major environmental and social problems caused by the behavior of humans, which are in fact far worse and more important than the crisis caused by the new coronavirus. Mentioned in a previous post that the response to this crisis shows what could actually be done and wasn’t, and still isn’t, but that was general and I wanted to point out a number of specific measures, including a few which are already taken for the crisis that’s currently recognized and which should be expanded and kept in place for the foreseeable future, as steps that are needed in order to have a chance to solve those other problems as well.
Considering the importance of the issue, it should go without saying that I’m having a hard time even trying to put together the ideas for that post in my mind, not to mention actually writing it. If I may use the term, I don’t dare to do it because I know I won’t be able to do it justice. But another reason why I’m having such a hard time with it is that what’s happening is quite the opposite of what should be happening, many using this crisis as an opportunity to ensure that things will get worse, so I find myself focusing on that instead of the path forward, once again wondering how to stop the mountain from toppling over and destroying even what little’s left instead of building the future. Exchanged a few messages with someone these days and she mentioned the depression and anxiety caused by worrying over how much worse things will get after this and I said I’m worried that what we’re currently worried about will prove to be nothing compared to what will really happen, because we can’t even imagine how much worse it’ll be.

Sticking to what comes naturally for me and focusing on those negative aspects, and also just on environmental matters at first, I intended to at least write a post to list some of those steps in the wrong direction. I was thinking of things such as the demands to “neuter” the regulations for aviation emissions; the attempts to halt or even reverse plastic bag bans and the fact that single-use plastic, plus various other materials, are now used at levels beyond even our previous nightmares; Trump exempting corporations from environmental regulations; Czech and Polish officials demanding to set aside climate goals to focus only on the new coronavirus; reusable containers no longer being accepted and the BBC article about Starbucks’ change of policy in this direction quoting someone who should definitely know better expressing the utterly baffling view that fighting the virus must be more important than the environment; streets being disinfected with substances that may well cause other health problems even for people, and quite clearly harm other animals and plants, having the potential to destroy pretty much all urban vegetation; clean air plans getting postponed; even the climate talks getting postponed, though this would have been the perfect opportunity not only to set the path forward, society finally being in the position to overhaul its fundamental systems and practices, but also for something as simple as no longer flying delegations from all over the world to such an event, making officials learn to discuss such important matters without physically being in the same room… And then, of course, we get to what I mentioned above, the efforts that will be made to restart the economy once the measures intended to slow the spread of the new virus will be eased, at which point any and all regulations are likely to be sacrificed on the altar of growth and profits to an extent unseen before, and which may well surpass our worst fears.

Well, I guess I did that now, but this was after seeing the condensed partial summary of these developments published by The Guardian, which misses some of those I listed above but adds many more, and the page put together by Mighty Earth which seems to have prompted that summary. That page also dedicates sections to the situations in Brazil and Indonesia, which I must admit I had mostly ignored, the former because it was as expected and I just glanced over titles and moved on, but the latter because I can’t say I saw articles describing it in the context of the current crisis until now. And all of these, while perhaps the most notable, are likely only the tip of the iceberg, and I’m sure there are far, far more such negative developments to be found all over the world. Plus that, again, this is only about environmental matters, though I’d also take this opportunity to point to the much longer article published by The Guardian at the end of March, which tackles various other problems that made up what used to be “normal” and which risk getting even worse if we won’t make full use of this opportunity to fix them.

Yes, there are also some rays of light among the darkness, such as Amsterdam’s plans, and the page and the summary linked above point out some others at the end. But I wouldn’t even call them rays of hope, as they’re few and faint, at this point little more than words unlikely to survive the other side’s onslaught, and even if they would, promising far less than what’s absolutely necessary at this point, not to mention what’s possible and desirable, considering humanity’s level of knowledge and development and the severity of the situation.

This is an immense opportunity, but merely an opportunity for change. And, after all, “the world is changing every day, the only question is who’s doing it“. Those who have only selfish, short-term, shallow interests in mind are always better at agreeing to work together for some common benefit and doing whatever it takes to achieve their goals, said common benefits being much easier to identify in their case and any qualms or misgivings being far from their minds. For that reason, as I already said and repeated above, I worry that we won’t only miss what’s certainly our best and possibly also our last opportunity to get on the right path and actually take large leaps forward, but that the current crisis will be taken advantage of in ways that will make the future worse than even our worst nightmares. And I’m not talking about a distant future, but about things that may well happen over the next couple of years, some perhaps even over the next few months.

To go in reverse chronological order, this afternoon I noticed that the water was quite brown, which made me wonder whether it had been like that when I made tea as well, one hour or so before noticing this, since I was rushing then and can’t really say that I looked. But since I drank half of it before noticing, I’ll just drink the rest as well and hope it’ll be fine. On the other hand, when I woke up to pee I quickly connected again and SETI@home got four more work units. There had been two others in the period covered by this post, one of them an instant overflow, and there was one more of those among the four received today, but the others required more processing. Yes, the two that I checked were also overflows, but they got there pretty much at the end. Since the fourth one received today came after the others and was also the last to be processed and returned, I again tried to save it on the Internet Archive, but let’s see if it’ll stay there, since weird things seem to be happening when I do this, the other snapshots I attempted to save before seeming to vanish when the work units in question were cleared from the SETI@home site, but one of them having returned by now. For that reason, I’ll leave this link even if the snapshot will appear gone when I’ll check again after posting this. There should be quite a few other resent work units, however, so even if I’m not connected most of the time and therefore miss out on most of them, I should still receive a few more before it’ll all be over.

The next part also has to do with my computer and it happened last night, starting at 1:16 AM, about a quarter of an hour before I got back, since I had connected it when dad left, quickly checked a few things and then went to the kitchen. In fact, I probably briefly came into my room while it was still going on, since the HDD led showed a lot of activity, but it was Wednesday night, so I assumed that Defrag was running and didn’t turn on the monitor to try to see what was going on before going to the bathroom… And still didn’t check for about one hour after getting back, only doing so after manually updating Avira and seeing that the logs listed the services stopping and restarting, which would happen in case of a program update, but the program version was unchanged and Avira’s logs didn’t mention anything having happened earlier either. When I checked the logs of Comodo Firewall, however, I saw that a lot of things had changed between 1:16 AM and 1:20 AM, and then I saw an “Avira” entry with April 16 as the listed date in the list of installed programs, alongside the older “Avira Antivirus” one. In addition, alongside entries about Avira having stopped, installed and started services, and failed to restart one, and apparently requiring a reboot, I found entries about Windows automatic updates having been resumed and then stopped again at that time in the Windows event logs, though Windows Update doesn’t list any activity at that time. But that instance of WmiPrvSE.exe that constantly took up at least 3% of the CPU also seems to have vanished.
Now it seems that I can’t completely disable automatic updates in Avira Antivirus Pro, but I had them set to only happen once every seven days and the one time that did happen so far was clearly marked in the logs, so this was something entirely different and it seems to have something to do with the Avira “package” and not the Antivirus itself, but if that is indeed what happened, how can they get away with such forced automatic updates without even any sort of logging, not to mention settings and notifications? Though, of course, the first question is whether that was what actually happened, and not knowing makes me feel even more uneasy about even using my computer now… But I guess it at least makes it clear that I will need to restore from the backup after this trial will be over, to be sure any traces of this or anything else that will happen will be removed.
To return to what happened last night, at 3 AM I rebooted, and was greeted by an UAC prompt from BOINC, which definitely shouldn’t have happened. But it seemed to work just fine, and while Comodo Firewall again “forgot” its HIPS settings, I had exported the configuration just before rebooting and could quickly restore it. The much bigger problem appeared around 3:30 AM, when I wanted to check whether Lionheart still worked and for some reason it started minimized. I had accidentally switched away from it, with Alt+Tab, before it displayed the main menu once before, and it just about froze my computer, making me spend several minutes very slowly and carefully getting to the point where I could force it to close, but now that process was even more difficult and I only finally managed it after a good half an hour! But at least I finally managed it and the system recovered right away, without the need for a hard reset, even if one of the first things I tried was to hit Ctrl+Alt+Del and that resulted in an error message stating that Windows was unable to display that screen and to use the power button if the computer fails to respond. And Lionheart started just fine on the second attempt, and each time I started it today, since I’ve been playing quite a lot.
I will, however, add here that the HDD again was busy when I got back after showering, after initially posting this, and there were no logs anywhere mentioning that anything had just happened and that was after the computer had been idle for some 40 minutes, so it wasn’t the usual thing it does after about 20 minutes of inactivity. And an instance WmiPrvSE.exe showed up again after that and remained running, but didn’t seem to be using any processing power anymore, and then vanished again after I updated manually at night, which resulted in the services stopping and restarting again, though the program version was again the same. This is making me increasingly anxious, and I’m fighting off quite a bad a panic attack as I’m writing this. Wonder how I’ll sleep tonight…

This week’s run was Monday, after sleeping very poorly and little. Was anxious, close to a panic attack, kept waking up, and the last time was at 10:56 AM, when I got up, since the alarm was supposed to ring at 11 AM. Had the usual stuff, with the cereals being another one of those free servings and the sweet thing being a large doughnut with honey, also had almonds again, and left at 1:20 PM. The reported temperature was around 20°C, maybe a little more than that, it was sunny and there was little wind, but I wore the running pants, not the tights, the regular shoes and also a regular t-shirt, so I won’t stand out after the run, since I was going to go buy some things as well. Obviously also wore the mask, and had the stuff I took with me in that small bag I held. My ID card and the required paper were still in a pocket, but the way I folded that paper and placed the card inside it meant I was much less worried that I could lose them.
The time was 49:04.93, with lap times of 12:17.39, 12:14.33, 12:19 (12:18.87) and 12:14.34, which probably marks the end of my hopes of getting under 48 minutes even on this route and under these conditions, the gains becoming minimal, though at least the lap times were very close. I would have been able to just get under 49 minutes, but I could have done that last time as well, if I wouldn’t have taken it easier for much of lap four. This time around, there were two moments when I had to step aside and wait for a couple of seconds to allow a car to pass, the first of them on lap one and the second probably on lap two, though it’s possible that it was in fact on lap three. There was another moment, I think on lap four, when I had to slow down for another car, and another, again on lap one, when I had to go around an oncoming car, needing to get behind it before being able to turn right and follow the route, again probably causing me to lose a couple of seconds. There were a few other moments when I had to step aside, but the sidewalk was clear in those spots, so I could keep running. One parked car caused me to lose a few seconds over the course of the first two laps, on the other hand, since it was parked in a spot that didn’t allow me to follow the optimal route. Then again, there’s another one that’s always parked in a similar way in another location, but since that one’s always there, getting around it has so far been a normal part of the route, which wasn’t the case with this one. In addition, it seemed that somebody kept spitting from above in what I consider to be the one nicer spot on this route, so I was careful whenever I passed through there, and doing so three times per lap means I likely lost a few more seconds there as well. Otherwise, my liver started hurting not long after starting lap four, but I could manage that.

This time I meant to go to the Auchan at Vitan, and it was the only destination listed on my paper, though I was prepared to add that Kaufland after it if I won’t find Liza’s food there. Used the main roads this time around, however, since I decided to also stop by that Carrefour on the way, finally finding bread there and getting that and some tea… And somehow losing my shopping list. It probably happened when I pulled the bag I use for bread out of that little one, since I wanted to put the bread in it right away and not use a cart, but I went back to that spot moments later, even looked under the shelves, and couldn’t find it. But that wasn’t a problem, so I kept going to that Auchan and found some food for Liza. Not the one she likes, however, but the one type from this brand that they did have was one she had eaten a few times before, so I got some of that so she’ll have something until next week. Also asked an employee about that kind, saying that the site states it’s in stock at that location and I went there specifically for that, but he said the site’s not updated and that if they had any it’d be on the shelf, but that entire section is almost completely empty, so they really don’t have any left. So I got a couple of other things… And somehow only realized two days later that I used a regular checkout.
On the way back, I went through the farmers’ market, buying some cheap apples, and then used the alleys between buildings, not that I had seen anyone that could check the papers at any point, unless you count a few local police cars passing by. They seem to have rearranged some of the stalls in that market though, since the entrance I used was blocked by them, though those were fortunately unused at the time and I could squeeze around them, not having to go back. Did have to turn around when I left, on the other hand, since the exit I meant to use was locked for some reason. But I got back here pretty much when I meant to, at 5:05 PM, albeit without cabbage and this month’s issue of National Geographic. About the cabbage, the new one seems to have appeared everywhere, so the old one can’t be found anymore and this new one is about three times more expensive, but the situation with National Geographic is stranger, since I couldn’t see it anywhere and even asked in one place, after leaving Auchan, and they said it wasn’t out yet, though when I checked that evening I saw posts stating that it was out on April 9. Guess I’ll look again next week and hope I’ll find it then, if dad won’t until then, since I don’t mean to go out again until Wednesday. I’ll need to start looking for another good mask though, since this trip seems to have damaged this one.

Since I mentioned dad, Sunday I noticed that it seems like the jack going into the router, from the cable connecting his computer, broke already, so now he told me to stop disconnecting it, soon after he had insisted that I do that when he leaves his computer on when he’s away and I want to connect for a while, so he won’t have to check, since he doesn’t anyway. The new “instructions” are to unplug it from his computer, but there’s no reason to think it won’t soon break from there as well… Of course, this situation was supposed to end in March, when we were supposed to get a second connection, if at all possible from another such network, for me to use, or otherwise from another major ISP, in which case he’d have ended up using that new one while I’ll be left alone on this one, at least no longer sharing it, even if I’ll feel just as uncomfortable and anxious using it. But that’s obviously out of the question now, and most likely for quite some time to come…
While I’m on the topic of dad, a few hours later, Sunday evening, I noticed a small piece of carpet in the kitchen, asked him about it and he said he had brought some junk in it and dumped it in the trash, adding that it was metal and plastic but starting to say that it wasn’t something to recycle. I obviously cut him off, saying that of course it was recyclable, and he said he won’t separate it. Then, when I said I will, but would rather not have to dig through the trash for it, he told me not to dig, and that the Earth will live just fine without it. And this came after I again dug something out of the trash a couple of days earlier and he told me to stop doing that. So I ignored him, shut up and started digging through the trash again…

Before finishing this, I’ll also mention that I risked it and sent Andra a message on Goodreads before going to bed Saturday morning, asking whether she was all right and how was she dealing with the situation. Had also sent an e-mail some time ago, but I’m quite clearly blocked there, or perhaps she’s not even using that address at all anymore, so I made use of that, even if it’s one of the two contact methods I had saved for future emergencies, and the one place where I know I’m not blocked. As such, there’s a huge risk in making her aware of my account there and, more importantly, of the fact that I know hers, but it seems that she’s just ignoring the message and not actually blocking me, since it was saying that she was last active in February and after I sent the message it said that she was active this month, but I can still see the profile… At least so far…
On the other hand, while I’m on this topic and also thinking of checking up on others as well, or at least on Jen, there’s still no reply from Elena P., and I’m wondering whether I should use another contact method these days for one last attempt, even if I’m quite aware that no good can come of it and it’d be better to just leave things as they are. Another message sent to Elena G. some time ago, also asking whether she was all right and where, seeing as she used to travel a lot, did produce a reply, after she had also sent a quick reply to the birthday message I sent back in November, but when this time around I attempted to continue the conversation, that second message remained unanswered. And then I also sent Susana a birthday message these days and she replied as well, and continued to reply after that, but things are really awkward and, while in that first reply she asked what does this mean and what happens next, I’m the one wondering those things, since she’s the one who went through all that trouble to get rid of me all those years ago, and still blocks me on some other sites.