Cav's Place

The world’s human population is supposed to hit seven billion tomorrow. But that’s what I will write about in the next post, this one being only a brief personal rant about my last week before we reach such a terrible milestone… And the first full week after actually being put on ignore.
In truth, I’m slightly suprised that I can still write anything at all, but the things that took place this week certainly have nearly all the merit for that. Unfortunately, they’re also one more reason why it’ll become even harder to write here. Under these circumstances, I’m dreading to even think of tomorrow.

First I found myself talking to Susana again, which was nice. Or, all right, it also was very frustrating, but still nice. Granted that it didn’t start this week, but it continued during it and at least, unlike everyone else, she doesn’t and quite clearly won’t tell me to get over it, though there keep seeming to be misunderstandings of all sorts. But that was to be expected, seeing as we have similar issues and seem to have taken similar amounts of shit from people so far.
Then, as of a few days ago, I also found myself talking to some other girl which I had bumped into on OkCupid at least several months ago, possibly a whole year. We just exchanged a couple of messages then and left it at that, but she has way more questions answered than me and I kept checking out her answers to answer more myself, so at some point I sent her a message about going past a certain number of questions and found that she only now replied, likely a couple of months or so after my original message. And also found that, as it was already quite clear from her profile, we do agree on lots of things and could have plenty to talk about, so at first I actually spent several hours per day exchanging messages with her.

The thing is that during such talks I tend to just think that I need Andra, want to cuddle and other such things perhaps even more than usual and tend to either just talk about that or start babbling about whatever else could possibly be on my mind at the time, sometimes just to avoid spelling out all that all over again. Now that may not happen if the other person would be pouring her heart out as well in such a way that I couldn’t stop her even if I wanted to, which is often the kind of discussion I want to have anyway, but it hardly ever happens like that. Which leaves me sort of alternating between curling in a ball, hugging myself and writing such messages around the replies given to the ones received from them until, if they don’t go away first, I either really need to curl up in a ball and therefore can’t keep on writing or I become even more interested in whatever it was that I was babbling about and excuse myself to go do something about it.
And that’s what I’ll be doing after I finish writing this as well, because what caught my attention this time was Tropico 3, which I installed after I finished and reviewed Risen. Been struggling with it for the past couple of days, so I’ll try to make the most of it before adding up the failures and concluding that I’m even more worthless than I thought… Or, who knows, it may just become the second proper game I’ll play and finish this year, though at this point that seems highly unlikely.

I started playing Risen without going through Gothic 3, but after first playing and finishing the first Gothic several years ago and then starting and giving up on Gothic II, both with and without the expansion, multiple times since. As such, I was probably more surprised by some features of Risen and less surprised by others compared to anyone who either played all of Piranha Bytes‘ Gothic games or none of them… But I guess that could at most affect what I liked about the game, the reasons for annoyance probably being more or less the same either way.
However, I want to start by pointing out that the retail version of the game uses TAGES and, unlike Gothic 3, it has no official patch to remove it. I didn’t check this before buying it, so I’ve been feeling pretty bad about it ever since and strongly advise everyone against legally purchasing it unless or until they’ll remove this. It didn’t cause me any problems other than saying that I didn’t have the right disk in the drive once every five or six times I tried to start the game, which was fixed by simply starting it again, but I’m firmly against any such methods and don’t want to support anyone who uses them.

To move on to the actual game, the way Risen starts is exactly how the fans suggested that Gothic 3 should start, while also seeming to be somewhat similar to the start of the first Gothic, which I found to be a rather pleasant nod towards the fans of the series. I don’t know whether that was intentional or not, but it was the impression I got… Despite some elements being rather unrealistic, but that’s nothing compared to what’ll come in the latter stages of the game.
Still, what becomes obvious almost immediately after the start is that, much unlike the first two Gothic games, combat in Risen is actually manageable. That’s largely thanks to shields, which I see had first been introduced in Gothic 3, and the fact that you only use one button to attack and one to block, without having to struggle with combinations and leaving yourself exposed if you pressed the wrong key or even simply because of the character’s low skill level. Soon enough you’ll see that, given patience and a defensive and tactical approach, even characters who plan to become mages can make their way through the first chapter reasonably enough, so the previous rule that said that if you wanted to be a mage in a Gothic game you should be prepared to spend more time during the first chapter dying and reloading than actually playing no longer applies. Ashbeasts and ogres are out of your league at that point and ghouls will probably get you nine times out of ten, but anything else is manageable, though you may find yourself spending a good five minutes in a fight with a war cricket, for example.
On the other hand, this determination to only use two buttons to control your combat actions does make for some strange situations later, if you train your weapon skills and gain new abilities. If you’ll learn to charge your strikes, regular attacks will then require just a tap on the attack button, as if you hold it pressed for just a fraction of a second you’ll start charging your strike, so at first you’ll find yourself charging when you don’t mean to. And if you learn to counter-parry, you’ll also see that it requires just tapping the block button, as holding it pressed for just a fraction of a second will result in a regular block, therefore making an already difficult action even worse. And if you add the little fact that neither the text tips nor the game’s manual mention anything about dodging, you’ll see that they could have done far more for the combat after all. (In case you didn’t know, you dodge by either quickly tapping a movement key twice or by pressing and holding a movement key and then tapping the jump key. It only works if you’re not blocking at the time and if you choose the latter option you must make sure that you press the movement key first, because if you press the jump key first you’ll just hop around and give your opponent a free hit.)

The world itself seems really nice at first, and I’m not just talking about graphics here. The way it’s designed more or less makes sense, actually seeming reasonably realistic at first, and I actually really liked the break from fighting offered by the long time spent doing quests in Harbor Town during the first chapter. The factions are also presented quite reasonably (though nobody’ll accuse you of anything if you’ll be wondering for a moment if they weren’t just copied from Gothic II, for example, and only given new names), and most fights are actually quite enjoyable… Unless they’re against ghouls or, if you’re relying on melee, against brontocs, but that’s another matter.
What also must be noted is that, in good Gothic fashion, the world is very open, only a few areas not being accessible from the beginning. Thankfully, a lot of effort seems to have been put into making sure that taking advantage of this open world and completing quests before getting them or doing them completely out of order will not break the game, in some cases the dialogue actually flowing quite nicely even after such an event, showing that the scenario was fully covered, not just prevented from causing a crash.
Also in good Gothic fashion, there are no loading screens unless you teleport, which I assume means that the various areas are otherwise loaded in the background as you approach them, making for a seamless experience. However, this seamless experience from a technical point of view will become irrelevant when all the care and the realism that the game seemed to be based on at first will suddenly decide to go away at a later point. In fact, the realism takes a serious hit after you’ll do something in chapter two, which will have some rather dubious effects. That can still be waved away if you have otherwise enjoyed the ride until then, but the chapter’s end is nothing short of frustrating and most of chapter three pretty much requires suspension of disbelief while also including several frustrating moments of its own. In case you’re wondering, when I’m talking about frustrating moments I’m referring to the fights during which you’re not grouped with your allies, which can be up to twelve at one point, and you therefore stand to lose thousands of experience points unless you somehow manage to land the killing blows on everything, which will only add to the experience the game will always trick you out of when you level up, unless you’re extremely careful.
Perhaps strangely, I found that the game partially recovered in chapter four, providing some elements that at least made some sort of sense once again and a decent number of nice challenges, some of them quite unlike anything the game had thrown at me until then. The experience issue is also fixed, as you’ll actually be grouped with the ones who’ll fight alongside you in chapter four. There’s still a feeling of the game being rushed here and there, doing quests out of order or completing them before getting them will, as in chapter three, result in rather broken dialogue and even some confusion, and there’s at least one place where you will get stuck and need to return to an earlier save if you don’t do what the developers wanted you to, but overall it’s still a significant improvement.
Unfortunately, the very end is something of an anti-climax, appearing both rushed and out of place. One dialogue before it may or may not even take place and the final fight would seem more at home in a JRPG, not to mention that it’s awkward and I needed to check a guide to see what I actually had to do to win it. I was somewhat reminded of the end of Escape from Monkey Island, as I recall trying to win that fight the wrong way for well over an hour before giving in and checking a guide. Here the hour included several deaths, but the general idea of a fight that can only be won in a specific and counter-intuitive way is the same.

Otherwise, since I always play mages, I found it rather unpleasant that they’re not worth much in Risen. You can start from the fact that crystal magic doesn’t home in on the target and some projectiles can be rather slow, so hitting moving targets is close to impossible, but the main issue is that crystal magic can be used by warriors of the order as well and scrolls can be used by anyone, so all mages get are runes. However, using a rune requires its corresponding seal, which means a certain minimum wisdom and also five learning points spent for each, so 20 total, while using a scroll doesn’t have such requirements and only costs half the mana, but the effects are the same! So using runes means basically trading mana for money… And mana isn’t easy to raise either. I finished the game at level 30, with just 194 mana, and that was after playing as a mage!
At least wisdom isn’t trained in any of the usual ways, instead being raised by reading books and stone tablets, allowing you to save learning points and permanent effect potions for the combat skills and attributes you’ll need to get through chapters three and four, but it’s quite annoying that you need to do that. Then again, it’s probably the price to pay for the manageable chapter one. If in previous Gothic games mages had to get used to being killed by anything and everything at the start but knew that they’ll more or less just cruise through the end, now the difficulty is spread out more evenly… At least until you’ll give in, dump a bunch of learning points in a weapon skill, I’ll say most preferably sword, and make and drink as many strength potions as needed to pick up the best weapon you can find and just cleave your way through anything that dares to stand in your way, with your magic only there to back you up in the few moments when it may still be needed… By which point you’ll be wondering why didn’t you just do that from the beginning.

In the end, in most ways Risen is Gothic by another name. From what I know so far, in some ways it can even be said to be more like the first two Gothics than Gothic 3, and certainly far, far more of a Gothic game than Gothic 4. And that’s a rather good thing, especially since some of the issues that had previously plagued the series seem to have finally been resolved in this game, though character development is still tied to the faction you choose.
Unfortunately, game designers either ran out of ideas about halfway through or just got bored of it, and the entire team seems to have been too rushed to release the game to polish the last two chapters. So it starts as a good game, then drops everything, becomes frustrating and rather dubious before somewhat successfully trying to recover… Only to fall more or less flat at the very end.
Despite all that, I still enjoyed it and, while certainly not planning to buy it if they stick to TAGES or any other such methods, I am looking forward to playing Risen 2… But perhaps a part of the reason is also the nice voice-over you’ll hear at the very end of the credits, if you don’t skip them and pay attention. Let’s hope they’ll work it into the next game in the series somehow, though what little I heard so far would unfortunately seem to indicate otherwise.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for the past four and a half years, at first being meant to be based on three studies regarding the sexual behavior of people of various ages who are in long-term relationships. That never got written, so I meant to give it another shot some two years ago, trying to base it on four articles about the general benefits of sex and the reasons why people, whether or not in a committed relationship, report having it. That didn’t work either, so here I am now, trying once again, this time basing it solely on my own opinions and perceptions. As such, don’t expect too much from it, especially considering my state of mind.

Most people are drawn towards sex on all levels, whether we’re talking about the purely physical, the mental or the emotional. Some people may also be drawn towards sex for spiritual reasons, making for a total of four levels. One of these may be emphasized over the others, or one may be given far less importance than the others, but they’re all usually present to some extent. More exactly, each of these motivations is usually seen in a person to an extent roughly similar to the development of the corresponding levels or aspects of said person’s personality. For example, a person with a highly developed mental aspect and a poorly developed emotional one is likely to rationalize and justify their desire for sex while at the same time not caring much about their relationship with their sexual partner.
That said, it’s true that sexual desire originated as a very basic instinct, but the fact that humans are capable of developing these other aspects to such an extent provides a huge range of motivations, benefits and methods, many of them at least justifiable and sometimes even recommended in various scenarios. Yet this post isn’t about sex in general or about what can be determined about a person from their sexual desires and practices, but specifically about the role of sex in a relationship.
Admittedly, what sex means to a person who’s in a relationship largely depends on the reason why said person is in that relationship in the first place. For example, there are unfortunately still many people who enter relationships mainly in order to have and raise children, which makes it quite easy to determine the primary role sex has for them. At the same time, there are people who prize other aspects of their lives far more than relationships, which means that the role sex has for them has more to do with how it can help them outside the relationship, including by reducing stress, improving health or even obtaining certain more direct benefits. Yet the most complex and most important, not to mention most desirable, scenario is that in which people are in a relationship for each other and for the relationship itself. It’s probably also the only scenario that truly fits the purpose of this post, so this is what I’ll focus on.

In a relationship based on feelings and on the bonds between the people involved, sex is a way to give a physical form to those feelings and bonds, to act on them in a way that’s easier for our bodies and even our minds to understand. That’s the simplest way to explain the role of sex in most true relationships: A physical representation of the thoughts and feelings the people involved have about each other.
Unless certain health issues make sexual activity very difficult or even impossible, it’s very easy to notice this reflection. People who feel very close to each other emotionally will tend to prefer sexual activities and positions that favor close and prolonged physical contact, people who feel that their feelings are not enough and that they need to somehow make themselves interesting in order to stay together will also tend to keep trying to add new elements to their sex lives, and so on. However, one must keep in mind that this is a reflection of a person’s real thoughts and feelings, not necessarily of their general behavior, because there are far fewer things that can get in the way and influence the outcome. As such, a very important role of sex in a relationship is that of a communication and diagnostic tool.

Obviously, the above implies that sex is also a means of bringing the people involved closer together. One only needs to notice that many couples who otherwise still love each other tend to have sex shortly after an argument, whether or not they actually realize what this accomplishes. And even if it doesn’t follow an argument or any other outbursts, we’re talking about a way to relieve tension, express even negative thoughts and emotions in a way that the other person may at the very least not find entirely unpleasant, ensure each other of your continued commitment to the relationship and pave the way towards a more calm and constructive discussion afterwards, in case one is still needed. It’s really not hard to see the benefits of making full use of something like this.
However, while it’s hard to think that any relationship could remain completely devoid of stress, tension and negative emotions, sex certainly doesn’t require the presence of such elements in order to strengthen the bond between the people involved. Yes, it can eliminate negativity, but it can also enhance the positive thoughts and feelings that those involved have for each other, as long as it’s allowed to do so. All it takes is for people to let themselves go, allow themselves to trust each other, please and be pleased. As long as the feelings are there, it’s really as simple as that.

As I said in the beginning, you shouldn’t expect much from this post. There should probably be others on this topic in the future, because this only covered a few of the most important roles in the most general sense, but there you have it. On top of the benefits that sex can have on its own, its primary roles in a committed relationship are to give a physical form to thoughts and feelings, enhance communication, strengthen the bond between the people involved, help diagnose potential problems and release negativity in a way that may at least not be perceived as entirely unpleasant by the other person. It obviously can’t replace simply speaking to each other in all but the first of these scenarios, but it greatly aids any effort in that direction and is therefore not hard to see why it is, or at least why it should be, of paramount importance to anyone who is in such a relationship, regardless of its duration or of the age of the people involved.

I was quite determined to write a post today that’s been sitting in my drafts for years. Not that it’d be the first time I meant to do that, but this time I actually felt that I had a good shot at it. But after I woke up today I found that she had put me on ignore, which ruled out any chance of me doing anything productive in any way, instead turning to some pretty desperate measures… Which are likely to only make things worse, but I really didn’t know what else to do. Still don’t, in fact, so this is all you’re going to get right now.

Kept planning to write one of those “25 things” posts, but since I just turned 27 today I decided to go for 27 things instead. You probably won’t find anything new here if you’ve known me for a while, but it’d be pretty weird if you did. So let’s get to it, shall we?

1. Overpopulation is my main concern and it’s a worldwide problem, so no country can say that only others have to be concerned with this issue, regardless of said country’s current fertility rates, and no person can say that they have any right to breed under the current circumstances. Sure, if you had children over ten years ago I’ll frown but accept that things weren’t so well known then and let it be, only stating that I couldn’t possibly enter a romantic relationship with you, but I consider having children these days as the worst crime possible and I’ll treat anyone committing it accordingly! This is the one thing that is not and never will be negotiable with me under any circumstances! Same goes for adoption, since knowing that the possibility exists may make some more likely to have kids even if they don’t intend to raise them, therefore only aggravating the problem. No, the children themselves are not to blame in any way and they certainly deserve to be raised in the best possible conditions, but knowing what they represent means that I could never physically be around any for any noticeable length of time. As such, my first concern is to make sure that I’ll never be in that situation, selecting the people I have any sort of personal contact with accordingly.

2. It may seem that I have none, but in fact I’m quite aware of my own reproductive instinct. It’s not just that, at some point in my teens, I wanted to have three children, but that I’m still very much aware that such a perceived need still exists at some instinctive level. In fact, alongside a strong mind, I think that such awareness is necessary to ensure that such instinctive urges will never be acted on. And yes, I firmly believe that anyone who can’t or won’t do something like this is vastly inferior to anyone who does.

3. I can’t stand and will always attack people who do “normal” things, in the sense that society defines the term, and this also goes for people who are “different” just for the sake of being different. I’ll probably attack these types of people even more than those who are “different” in harmful ways, because those at least have an impact and could even generate a strong enough reaction for the end result to be positive.

4. I firmly believe that marriage is at best pointless, and usually harmful, so I certainly have no intention of ever marrying. That’s about legal marriage, mind you, as what people feel the need to do in accordance with their religious beliefs is their own business. From the state’s perspective, I firmly believe that the rights and advantages meant for people in committed relationships should be granted to those who live together, gradually, over a period of at least a few years, so it’d actually be the commitment that’s being rewarded. As for the individual perspective, my view is that anyone who feels that some papers or rings will help them stay with their partner is in fact saying that their commitment alone isn’t enough, which is a problem that no papers or rings can solve, as the divorce rates prove. At the same time, as long as the concept of legal marriage exists, I’m of course firmly in favor of gay marriage.

5. My general “privacy policy” is that, unless otherwise specified, I can tell anything to anyone who doesn’t personally know the person I’m talking about. Though it’s very taxing, I can keep completely quiet if I’m specifically told not to tell anybody a certain thing, but only as long as we’re only talking about something very specific, as “don’t tell anyone anything” is perhaps more likely to have the opposite effect. However, I won’t hold back information that will help someone I’m close to if revealed, not even at the request of another person I’m close to.

6. When I was little, I thought that trees caused wind, since they always moved when there was wind, and therefore wanted to cut them all down because strong winds scared me. It simply made no sense to me when I was being told that it was in fact the wind that moved the trees, because there were trees in the yard and on the street and I always saw them move when there was wind, while those air masses I was being told about where nowhere to be seen, so I assumed that everybody was trying to trick me… And now I’m an environmentalist who also enjoys strong winds and storms…

7. I was raised by strictly Christian grandparents, but started getting very interested in studying religions when I was 13 and, after reading a few things about several, kept finding myself returning to Wicca. Got scared of it after a couple of years and returned to something that passed well enough for Christianity even in my personal practices, not just in what I let others see, but my belief system continued building itself on that foundation. It incorporated bits and pieces that seemed to fit together despite being gathered from different religions, various theories about the paranormal, scientific facts and my own theories as well. Eventually, at the end of 2004, a series of events made me decide to turn again towards what felt right for me, researched even more after Andra left, then took some time off to be sure and finally came to the decision to actually call myself an eclectic Wiccan. However, not long afterwards, after noticing that I was even disagreeing with some core concepts and reading some articles written by more traditional Wiccans who were making the very valid point that if you don’t even adhere to the core tenets of a religion you really shouldn’t call yourself one of its followers, I decided to call myself simply Neopagan, since that term is broad enough to reasonably cover my belief system.

8. Though I firmly support polyamorous relationships and would eventually like to be in one, I only deal with people one-on-one. If “others” are around, I’ll be feeling uncomfortable at best, no matter what’s going on or how comfortable I’d feel with each of them separately. It even applies if I have to tell the same thing to several people, in which case I either tell each of them separately or, if need be, tell one of them to also inform the rest. If I’m to become less uncomfortable in such a situation, I’d first need to feel comfortable around each of the people involved and then, very gradually, get used to all of us being together. It’s something that’s next to impossible to happen outside of a polyamorous relationship, and even then it’d require a very strong incentive, such as some sexual scenarios that I’ll describe below, and either way I’m sure I’ll always need more time spent one-on-one than like this.

9. Though there are a couple of physical deal breakers that can negate it, what actually sparks my sexual interest in a girl is feeling really close to her. Sure, a good looking girl can get me aroused for a moment, but it’ll be all out of my mind the next. For me, sex is the ultimate connection between people, so I guess that level of closeness and trust is what makes me really desire someone sexually. It also means that if I find myself being absolutely certain that there would be at least one situation in which I’d really have sex with someone, I really feel “bonded” to that person, at least as a very close friend.

10. The idea of my girlfriend having sex with someone else really turns me on. Not with random people, but with people I feel I can trust as well, for obvious reasons. Yes, that includes other guys. In fact, that could even be recommended, as in that case I’d only be interested in watching her or listening to her describe what happened, while if she were to do it with another girl I’d be looking at both or would want to hear all about it from both of them. But this isn’t supposed to just be some sort of masturbation aid and I think I’d be very uncomfortable with being in the same room while it happens without participating, as I would also be if the situation were to be reversed. As such, the way it happens in my fantasies is that they either somehow film themselves in good quality and then I watch the film with her, or she at least tells me all about how it went, at length and in detail. We’re naked and cuddling while that happens, at some point I have an orgasm, either ejaculating somewhere on her body or slipping inside her for a little while, and after the end of the story or film we have some very hot sex together.

11. I’m very interested in a threesome. Foursome, in the sense of two couples doing it at the same time but also interacting with each other, perhaps even more so. It’d require carefully working up to it, as I said above that I don’t see myself as being ready to dive into something that requires me to interact with two or more people at once too soon, but these are both things that I could eventually see happening up to once per week if I think of my ideal sex life, as long as I’d still do it one-on-one on most days. It could perhaps also be interesting to eventually try something that’d involve me being in an established triad or quad that would also invite a friend or perhaps another couple, so it’d still only be two “units”. If it would work out well enough at first, we could return to it later on for some variety, but only on rare occasions. Anything involving more than six people or more than two “units”, however, is far too much for me.

12. My favorite position is basically the reverse missionary. Her lying on top of me, with our bodies pressed together, locked in an embrace. Why? Her on top because, though I have my moments, I usually like not to be the one controlling things, and the rest because of the intimacy full-body contact offers and because being able to kiss her and look into her eyes while doing it is crucial for me. Yes, this tends to make for slow and possibly shallow movements, but that’s the idea, as for me intercourse is mainly about the emotional connection, strongly preferring oral sex when the focus is on physical pleasure.

13. I had a huge crush on Lucy Lawless in my early teens, when Xena: Warrior Princess was first on TV here. It was my first crush of any kind, and in fact one of the only two I ever had, the other also being a celebrity crush, on Alyssa Milano, roughly during the same period, as Who’s the Boss? was also on at the time. No more crushes after that. Just falling in love, twice…

14. The first girl I fell in love with was a high school classmate named Rosemarie. Yes, she was Romanian, despite the name. It really was love at first sight, from the first moment I laid eyes on her in front of the school building on the first day, before learning that we’d actually be classmates. Then again, it took me a while to fully realize how I felt, so much so that I believe one of her friends knew what it was all about before I did. She never gave me the slightest chance, but the only reason I managed to finish even ninth grade was because I could keep hoping that she would. When that hope faded, at the start of the tenth grade, there was no way I could keep going. Yet the feelings didn’t fade and I certainly said from the beginning that I’d never look for a relationship with anyone else. But then, after suffering for a total of close to three years after Rose, Andra just showed up in my life and I found myself in a relationship without looking for it, which was a possibility I did allow for, since I never actually was with Rose to say that I’d never replace her with anyone else in any way, like I do in Andra’s case. It still took me some six months to bury the feelings I had for Rose under those that were developing for Andra, however.

15. The last time I saw a person that I truly considered to be my best friend at the time was November 17, 2001. She was the only person I ever met who acted and truly “felt” like I think a best friend should, even if it lasted so little. After completely losing contact with her, in early 2002, I haven’t met anyone who came anywhere near that. I love Andra and I didn’t love Elena P., but the kind of connection I seemed to have with her was simply surreal. But there’s still the chance that it was all an act, of course.

16. My last kiss was on September 27, 2005, around 4 AM. It was the last thing Andra did before going out the door… And out of my life…

17. I can’t cry when I’m alone. I need to have a person that I feel close to next to me, even if that person is just why I’m crying, otherwise I just can’t. Or, all right, it is sometimes possible, with difficulty, if triggered by something like a song or a massive battle scene in a movie, but that happens extremely rarely. I did manage to cry a couple of weeks ago, as well as some two and a half months ago, but these are the only two occasions I can recall during the past three years and even they took quite a lot.

18. If I could change one thing about my appearance, it’d be to have healthy hair on my head, to be able to keep it relatively long, as opposed to balding from forehead to the top of my head. There’s something else that bothers me, which has to do with the second physical deal breaker, but that’s not quite bad enough to reach that level. Hair, on the other hand, is, as I always wanted to have long hair and my mental image of myself almost always has shoulder-length hair. Shoulder-length white hair, that is, but that’s another matter.

19. Unless somehow hidden, hair is quite certainly the first thing I notice when I look at a girl from any direction other than the front, and sometimes, depending on the distance and what other features stand out, possibly even from the front. Talking about physical features, it’s usually far more likely for me to want to get a better look if I first happen to notice a girl’s hair from behind and find it nice than if I first notice pretty much anything else about her. Put simply, healthy and straight or slightly curly hair that reaches at least halfway down the back and is allowed to simply flow freely turns me on. Partially depending on body type, brown hair, especially if not light brown, seems to have that same effect even in case of some simple hairdos and even if it’s somewhat shorter, though still at least going past the shoulders. On the other hand, short hair is a deal breaker and any hairdo that seems to have required any noticeable amount of time or effort makes me cringe, as does noticeably dyed hair, which includes that type of black that looks just too good to be real and seems to be so popular among young women around here.

20. I sleep with a teddy bear that Andra gave me when I turned 18. It’s the only thing connected to her that I can sleep with, so I do. I hug it before going to sleep, kiss it when I wake up, and yes, I make sure it’s well tucked in, just like I did with her. Crazy? Perhaps, but certainly far less crazy than I wish I’d be.

21. I rock myself to sleep. And again when I wake up. Didn’t feel any need to when Andra was next to me in bed, so while living with her I only did it on purpose when I happened to go to bed when she wasn’t at home, and even then only very briefly, though during the first couple of months she told me that I’d start doing it as soon as I’d fall asleep even if I didn’t otherwise. After she left, I obviously started doing it again. More recently, I almost stopped for several months, after it for some reason started producing headaches instead of that pleasantly dizzy feeling that had until then helped my thoughts settle with little interference from the outside world. Even so, stopping was only possible because I “played” quite a lot before going to bed during that period, though of course without finishing, but for the past few weeks I almost stopped doing that, so now I noticed myself getting back to rocking myself to sleep again. Guess you can safely call this an addiction.

22. I haven’t masturbated to orgasm since early 2006. The end of February, to be exact. It was hard to do it at all after she left, but did manage every now and then while I still had some hope. Then I just couldn’t anymore. I do “play” often, but never finish it, though my body doesn’t seem to understand the idea and I wake up sticky every now and then.

23. I actually started masturbating when I was five. Can’t say that I learned it from anywhere; just discovered that touching a certain area in a certain way felt nice and certainly thought that I was the only one who knew how to do that back then. Even managed to do it under the blanket with my grandparents all around me, until dad walked in on me once when I was seven and told them what I was up to that is. That turned out ugly. Lost interest in it a few months later and only started again when I was 12.

24. While my long-term memory is excellent, I have extremely poor short-term memory. I can’t keep something in mind, but must usually first memorize and then recall it some time later. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I meant to pick something up but turned to do something else first and forgot all about the first thing until I realized that I needed it at some later point and remembered the entire scene. Please don’t think I’m not paying attention if I can’t remember what you just told me. I’ll often remember it well enough the next day.

25. When I say that my brain always works with numbers, I sure mean it. And it strongly prefers certain numbers, namely one, three, seven, twelve and any that can be divided by five. This is quite loose, as it may be that only the last two digits count, so 103 or 6512 would look “nice” to me, and sometimes it may even be just the last digit, so anything that doesn’t end in four, six, eight or nine can be all right, but I really try to avoid creating or keeping things in amounts that would be expressed by those numbers. This is most frequently noticed when I create music playlists, slice bread or grab certain small edible things, such as cookies.

26. The only time when I actually enjoy going out, though not for very long, is when there’s a lot of snow and it’s cold enough for it to settle nicely and stay on the ground for a long time without melting. I also like to just look out the window on such days, or especially on such nights, though I also like to do that during thunderstorms, when I certainly wouldn’t go out. On the other hand, sunlight usually makes me sad. Or perhaps not necessarily sad, but awfully uncomfortable. It’s not all that uncommon for me to keep the blinds drawn for most of the day, and sometimes even for the entire day.

27. Not only that I don’t drink coffee, but even the smell of it makes me sick. It may be tolerable once it’s been sitting in a cup for a while, but if I open the cupboard and there’s an open bag or jar of coffee in there or I walk past the kitchen when coffee has just been brewed I instantly need to fight to hold on to the contents of my stomach.